PAMELA'S STORY ( Updated Aug - 2010)
My name is Pamela Gaylene Givens (Hall.) I am 41 years old and
have five beautiful children, Sarah-24, John-21, Stephan- 20, Candis-18 and
Troy-16. I have been blessed. My
love for life comes from a lot of hard knocks, mistakes, hurt, anger and pain
and learning from it all.
I wouldn't have the wisdom that I now have if it was not for God
directing my path and allowing me to go through all that I have. Maybe because
of this, I can help others with some of the hurt, pain, anger and confusion
they are going through.
One of the valuable lessons that I learned in my life full of
chaos was forgiveness. Forgiveness is a very powerful word and easier said than
done but if you will bear with me, I will try to explain. As far back as I can
remember, I have had a genuine love for God. My heart has hurt so deeply but
through it all, God has been right there with me.
I remember when I was a
little girl, two years old, going to church. I loved it! I had an innocence and
passion for something I felt so deeply. I wasn't sure what it was, no
two-year-old would know, but going to church made me feel good. At a young age,
my innocence was stolen and that feeling that I had in my heart was hurt. I no
longer felt safe. (I will explain later in my story.) (At right
is 
Pam at
around age two, praising the Lord.)
I remember when I was five years of age. I had an ultimate
passion and desire to be blessed with the baptism of the Holy Ghost. I prayed
day and night that God would give me this gift. At age six, January 19, 1976, I
went up to the front of
After I received this gift and as time went on and the older I
became, something was happening inside of my heart. As a child, you not only
grow physically; you grow mentally and emotionally and let's not forget:
Spiritually. Somehow my spirit forgot to grow. Somehow it just shut down. My
story is not much different than a lot of others. There was a lot of pain
involved but through the mercy of God, healing is possible.
April 4, 1975, my mother
and father moved my two brothers and myself to
In September, I started first grade and I was so happy. My first
grade class had three people in it, Kevin Townes, Kenny Bough and myself. It
seemed like I was always in trouble. We had a discipline system that went like
this: 3 demerits = a detention - 3 detentions = a corporal punishment, meaning
a spanking. This was done with a board, which from my own recollections, was
about a half-inch thick, a foot or more long and six inches wide with holes
drilled an inch apart from the top of the handle of the paddle. Anyway, three
corporal punishments = suspension which was being kicked out of school for
three days. Three suspensions = expulsion from school. Needless to say, if it
had not been so close to the end of the year, I would have been expelled.
Getting a corporal punishment was not a normal school spanking.
Back then, it was okay for schools to discipline. Public schools were allowed
three swats. Gospel Assembly on the other hand, believed that children were to
be seen and not heard so we were spanked until our spirits were broken. They
were to spank until the child cried softly. Earlier, I spoke about Spiritual
growth. Well, my spirit was broken. In my opinion, a child that gets in trouble
for speaking unless spoken to doesn't have the capability of growing in wisdom
and knowledge. They learn fear and confusion and are unable to make decisions.
I remember I always liked to talk. I would just rattle away about
everything and nothing. That sent me straight to Lee and Alice Ray's office.
Neither of which showed any compassion or love. It was more like a control
thing. I would have to bend all the way over and grasp the back of the chair at
the bottom while they proceeded to spank me. After a while, I quit crying out
loud, but tears would stream down my cheeks. Afterward, they would pray with me
and make me ask God for forgiveness for being bad. All that I did was talk
without permission. I became totally submissive!
In second grade, Kevin Townes was moved to a higher grade so that
placed him in another area of the learning center, which left me clear to the
back, by myself. We used flags to call for help, a Christian flag for a monitor
and an American flag for a supervisor. I remember I had to go to the bathroom
one day. I watched the clock for two hours with my flag up. I was afraid to get
out of my seat and too afraid to talk. Finally I couldn't hold it anymore and
went all over myself.
I still had a love for God but I also had a great fear. We were
taught that God was vengeful and vengeance is mine, I will repay. What had I
done to make God so angry? Why did I have to be here? I wished I had never been
born but I kept it to myself. I tried harder to be good so I could make it to
the kingdom but it seemed like bad things would always happen to me. Before my
family moved to Des Moines,
So desperate for love, I started going to any man. When I was
around four years old, one of my cousins molested me. He was twelve or thirteen
years old. He told me he loved me and from that night I started thinking I was
bad because he told me to be quiet and not tell anyone because it was our
secret and we could get in trouble. I didn't see him again until I was around
twelve years old and the memory had faded but I had a horrible secret. I was
bad but he told me he loved me so maybe it was okay. It made me feel dirty so
as I got older, my mind covered up what had happened. Subconsciously though,
for many years, sex to me would be love.
By the time I started
third grade, I was getting better about spankings. I memorized chapters of the
Bible. I spoke in other tongues, testified in chapel and played a clarinet in
the school band. I embroidered, sewed and things got better. Actually, I just got
used to them. I remember one time when Lloyd and June Goodwin went overseas and
before they left, they promised me a candy bar if I kept my office clean while
they were gone. My office wasn't dirty, just cluttered. I did it and they gave
me a candy bar. I worked hard for it, believe me. I was proud of myself.
I really don't remember too many times with just my family. We
were always at church or school. Our lives were not based on family structure
but were based on church structure. We were not allowed to fellowship anyone
outside of the church or school. We were told that we were supposed to witness
to people but how do you snob your nose at "sinners" and witness at
the same time? Since our lives were based on church, a family bond was not present.
(Glenn, Pamela and Jeremie around 1977 I believe)
Remember that children are to be seen and not heard and after
being disciplined at school to the point of being afraid of speaking, I then
suffered another painful ordeal. A teenage boy who was sixteen or seventeen
started messing with me when I was between seven and eight years old. I was
afraid to raise my flag at school and ask to go to the restroom because he
would hear me and would be waiting for me upstairs where the women's restroom
was. He molested me many times. We went on a family picnic with his parents to
the lake and to their house afterwards. He molested me again. For some reason
he stopped going to our school and not long after, church. I don't remember if
he graduated or just left. I never told anyone because I was so ashamed. I was
so disgusted and I felt so bad. It was an awful secret that I would keep for
many years to come. Oh yes, he told me he loved me. I didn't realize that both
people who abused me sexually would play such a big role in my life.
So these are the things I had learned so far in my life: Fear of
speaking, fear of saying NO, sex equals love, my spirit was broken, my
innocence violated, no family structure, fear of God, fear of Lloyd Goodwin and
Lee and Alice Ray. Lloyd Goodwin's sermons seemed to talk about the wrath of
God, how we would go straight to hell. I thought for the longest time, that
Goodwin was God.
I remember one day; Lee Ray was doing opening exercises. He was
upset that morning about something and was talking about sin and I got really
sick at my stomach. I gagged and vomit came up in my mouth. I was holding it in
my mouth because I knew if I interrupted him, I would surely be in trouble. One
of my best friends in the world, Tammy Kelsey, was standing there and I poked
her and pointed to my mouth. Her mother, Betty Kelsey, was a monitor and Tammy
got her attention and she helped me out of the learning center. I loved that
Lady. Soon after, she got cancer and Tammy and I became separated and soon
hardly spoke after years of practically living at each other's houses. Later
after we grew up, she told me she wasn't allowed to be around me because she
needed to be with people who understood what she was going through. She also
told me that some of the other girls asked her why she would want to be around
me and she told them because she liked me. Tammy and I have a strong
relationship now and always will. (Tammy is now married to my
brother, Glenn since 2001)
One day we were on break
at school and the high school girls were primping and I had to go to the
bathroom. They wouldn't let me go so I said: "Shoot!" They all went
and told Lynn Revak, the supervisor, that I said "s--t!" I had never
even heard that word or knew what it meant, much less said it. When I told her
that I had not said that, she called me a liar and said I would get a spanking
for lying and she just kept threatening me so I finally just said, "okay,
I said it." Then she said, "Now you are getting a corporal punishment
for lying and saying it." I said "but I didn't say it, you made me
say I did." You know, I got so many corporals that I don't remember if I
got one that time or not but I know when I got home, I got very ill and I was
so shaken up, I bit a thermometer so hard that it broke in my mouth. My Mom
called Lynn Revak and told her that I had never heard that word and that I
didn't lie. (At right is Pam at age 12)
When we left the church, I was eleven and a half years old. I
went totally wild. I didn't know how to take freedom. I cut my hair, pierced my
ears, put on jeans and rode a bike, as if these were all such awful sins. But
then I started smoking cigarettes, pot and popping pills. I became an even more
mixed up kid. My Mom worked two jobs to take care of us so she was not able to
be there all the time. She didn't learn about some of the things we did until
many years later. She has repented to me many times and would have done
something to help me if she would have known. When I was fifteen, another high
school boy raped me. I moved in with my boyfriend's cousin when I was sixteen
and I became pregnant at sixteen by my boyfriend. I married him so that my
child would have a father and a name. He had a real problem with alcohol and
beat and raped me on many occasions. I tried to leave him on several occasions
and he would come back and make up so during this time, we had three more
children and I had several miscarriages. Finally after four children and all
the abuse, I left him for good and got a divorce. You may ask," Why did
you stay that long?" Because I was taught that it was a sin to divorce. I
then met another man, my youngest son's father. I was with him for three years.
I left because I was tired of being "thrown away." My first husband
told me that I was fat and ugly and that no man would ever want me with four
children.
I have been in a lot of relationships looking for this love.
After we left the church, I even went as far as witchcraft because the God I
had known was basically an evil being in my eyes. I cursed him and figured
since he was so terrible; all I had learned about Satan was a lie. So I started
worshipping him. There are three stages to this, dabbling, Incubus and suicide.
I endured all three. I tried to kill myself three times.
After I left my youngest
son's father, my drug abuse got worse. I became what most would call, a junkie.
I gave my kids up. All I cared about was my dope. As I would shoot it into my
veins, I would pray to God that it would kill me but something started
happening to me. My mind started opening up and I started seeing things in a
way I had never imagined even as a junkie. I got closer and closer to God. I
was dependent on drugs but God was still there for me. I started praying that I
wouldn't die every time I shot up. I was still growing closer to my Higher
Power (God). On August the 19th, 1995, I called my Mother and she
came over to the East Side of Des Moines and picked me up. I told her I was a
junkie but somehow, she already knew.
(The above picture is Pam with all five of her
children in 1996, at this point she was still an addict.)
So many times I wanted to kill my mother because I blamed her for
my life. My younger brother Jeremie had to take a 20-gauge shotgun out of my
hands because I told him I was going to kill her. But that day, I felt a need
for my Mother. I had already turned to my Heavenly Father. He pointed me to my
earthly Mother. She begged me to go to the hospital but I wasn't ready. I had
accepted my addiction but I wasn't ready for help. I still had a long way to
go. I wanted her to accept the fact that I was an addict. She couldn't and
wouldn't. I had never really been close to my Mom because like I said, I blamed
her for my life. We would get into arguments and I was physically violent with
her. She never knew about my being molested until I was 25 years old.
My anger and rage overwhelmed me at times so bad that I blacked
out. I just wanted to kill everyone and the two boys that molested me. I
planned daily to kill them, how I was going to torture them so they would pray
to die. One day I called my Mother and she told me that the boy from Gospel
Assembly who had molested me was in a bad accident and his skull had been
crushed in some kind of a bar fight or something. Something inside of me
clicked and I no longer wanted him to die or the others. I wanted to look them
in the face and give them back all the pain they gave to me. So a year later, I
confronted my cousin. I looked him in the eyes and reminded him of how he had
hurt me. Then I told him, while he made excuses, "Forget about your
excuses. I have to get rid of this. I love you and forgive you now I can go
on." I had dealt with it for so long and it was not my fault. I started
looking past all the things that people had done to me and thinking about how
their lives were. It wasn't that I had condoned their actions; it was because
someone had done something to them sometime in their life. I know we all know
the difference between right and wrong. We are born with that but even though
they knew it was wrong, someone gave them permission to do it. It goes back to
the beginning of time. I haven't seen the other boy who hurt me yet but one day
I will and I will look into his eyes and say this. "Your body and mind may
not understand but your spirit is still there and I want you to know what you
did to me as a child hurt me. But as my Heavenly Father forgives even the worst
of sinners, I forgive you. Now I can get on with my life. May God bless you and
heal you so you can be free.
It took a few more years
for me to become free from drugs. One thing that happened is that my Mom
finally accepted my addiction. One day she told me, "Pam, an addict is
what you are but it is not who you are. You can change what you are, you cannot
change who you are." That day I had planned to go to rehab. Rehab didn't
help because people were so busy worried about other's addictions; they
couldn't focus on their own. I called my Mom to come and get me. I stayed clean
for a few months, and then it was right back out there. This happened several
times. I knew I wanted off drugs but I just couldn't stay off. I was arrested
two times and went to jail. I started telling my Mother every time I did it.
She doesn't get those phone calls anymore. I am sober. Sometimes I want them so
bad but I have learned a lot out there in the real world. I was
"protected," deceived actually, because we all need to know how to
protect ourselves from getting hurt on caught up in lies. (Pamela,
clean and sober - 2007)
I learned some good
things from Gospel Assembly but my spirit was stolen, my mind was controlled
and my heart trusted too much. I was blind but now I see. I was in bondage but
now I'm free. I still have issues to work out but all in all I am getting
closer and my life is getting better and better.
So for all the bad that has happened in my life, I accept the
responsibility for all I have done and for all that I could have controlled and
I thank all those who hurt me. I am stronger because of it all. I just pray
that all the rest of you who have been hurt by Gospel Assembly or anything else
can get through the pain and forgive but don't ever forget! For God has a plan
for all of us. The hurt will die down. Face it while it's still there; don't
let it pile up so that you forget why you are angry and pray that your Higher
Power (God) will help you through even though you can't see it now. He is
already helping you. You are getting out from under bondage.
I owe a lot to my Mother
and stepfather, Robert, and also my Father, Glenn. God has brought us a long
way in our lives and I am closer to them than I ever thought possible. This is
all in God's plan. He is restoring the years to us.
To all the people who are still involved with Gospel Assembly, I
have a good life. I love life and God is so good through all the hurt and pain,
through all my mistakes, I have been forgiven because Jesus gave His life so
that all could be saved. We are all born God's children. We are all equal in
His eyes no matter our race, religion or what we wear. Whether we are rich or
poor, sick or healthy, God loves us all. I am not afraid of God. I respect Him.
He is caring and He won't smite me dead because I mess up. I know that for a
fact. God is waiting for judgment day but maybe every day is judgment day for
we bring judgment on ourselves. You see we are all sinners and we make choices
and we have repercussions from our choices.
Judge not lest you be judged. How does a sinner judge a sinner?
You who are without sin cast the first stone. For the judgment of another man
has no hold on us. It's God's judgment on sinners that will matter most and the
judges who act, as Gods and cast judgment on our souls will be the ones who
face the wrath of God.
Thanks for listening to my story.
God bless,
Pamela Hall
These are my children whom I thank God for. My youngest son now
lives with me in Iowa.
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Candis,
Stephan, Pam, Sarah, John |
Troy Cryer |
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"IS
THERE NOT A CAUSE?" (By a former member of
GAC in