JOURNEY TO A DREAM

BY: DEBI DOWLING

FORWARD

“So now I’m giving back to him all the praise he is worthy of.

I’ve been forgiven and that's why I love him sooo much.”

My name is Debra Lynn Dacus (Dowling, now that I am married), and I just want to lift my hands and praise almighty God for the power to overcome sin through the baptism of the Holy Ghost. Thank you, Lord, for letting me see that it is He that hath made us and not we ourselves; thank you, Lord, for being the Lord of my life, you are truly my strength, you are my guide, there is no one else above you. I pray, Lord, for those who seek this understanding of you. I thank you, Lord, for the mercy you have shown us all. I bow before you with a broken heart, empty of all the wickedness that would surely destroy me, taking from me the joy with which you have blessed me. I am yours, Lord, and yours alone. May each person that I come in contact with know of your blessing; Lord, teach me to speak for you. Thank you for the power to overcome! In Jesus’ name bless those on this web site who see your will and have learned through much suffering your true intentions for mankind.

My testimony has suddenly become very essential. My desire is to give comfort to the victims and even provoke the perpetrators to come forward. I would like to offer a place for the victims to speak out, but first it has to be me. My intention is not to hurt, but to provide an opportunity to heal. I feel a responsibility to these people even now. I occasionally go to the services held in my area. My desire is to bring all this to light. There is so much to tell that I don't really know how to start. I feel the opportunity these web sites gives is for each of us to finally receive the truth. Our life with Christ is truly personal. We have all we need in him. Even as a child I refused to trust any man. When it came to judging myself - that is a story in itself. I do believe there are some who have risen above the evil, but are afraid to uncover it. My testimony not only uncovers the church, but my family as well, as my father became a minister. I may need to tell my testimony in parts. I believe each part will help someone else as it has helped me. In reading others’ testimonies, to know that what they experienced was real and we can be healed. For the first time, we are able to know for ourselves who Jesus is. Thank you for this opportunity.

As I sit here sobbing, the pain inflicted on these innocent people overwhelms my heart. I too was a victim. I grew up in Gospel Assembly Church, but Lloyd Goodwin was not favored from our congregation. However, I feel because he was never dealt with, his venom poisoned many children of God. I would like to give my testimony here. I can't believe this website is available. The whole thing terrifies me. I am beginning to see how fear is in total contrast to believing in the power that Jesus' resurrection brought to us, fear that something we do or say will keep one of God's children from making the bride, or living an overcoming life.

I read Wanda’s story. It was as though I was reading a story about my own life in many ways, aside from the part where Lloyd Goodwin threatened her life. In 1994, I was diagnosed with Post -Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The doctor told me it is the same thing that some Vietnam Veterans have to experience for the rest of their lives, as Wanda’s husband, Robert has described. I must tell you, I find all this so frightening. I am beginning to realize what it is I am walking into. I also can see the divine mercy of our Father. We are blessed. We are free... free at last! We finally are able to have a true, undefiled relationship with our Lord and savior. My heart does rejoice for the victory. I will continue my attempt. If the Lord can get us this far, I'm sure He will take us all the way.

I am trying to face what is happening to me. I am so focused on the new thinking and because it came upon me so suddenly, I am putting it out here to be judged and questioned. I read my own words and find myself breaking down and crying each time. I feel myself believing for the first time that I belong. I don't believe I could ever prove what only I have witnessed. It is funny when a person experiences something really awful, like a car wreck or some other awesome tragedy, they want to tell it over and over and over and how they came through it, and often it starts a chain reaction. Others tell their experiences and you watch how everyone is affected. I am beginning to see that when you begin to speak of emotional or psychological victories, you also have to share the tragedy that brought you to the victory. People are affected and they try to put themselves into that situation and as the storyteller tells his/her story he/she learns to give it in such a way that the listener does feel it, like a preacher.

I question everything, and foremost, I question myself. If I know what keeps others from being honest then I know what keeps me from being honest. My desire is for honesty. I don't want to hide behind lies. I don't want to get so hyped up that I hurt someone else. I just want to serve the Lord with everything I have. I want to be a part of the solution. Thank you guys for listening to me. I am listening to you, all of you. I love relationships, even if they get sticky. I never want to walk away from someone that is reaching out. I believe it takes me getting to know myself before I have anything real to give to someone else. To me this is the teaching of the Gospel Assembly Church in Houston where I grew up.

“What goes up must come down.” Something was overlooked and now it is being taking care of. Hey, that is a part of my healing. I was one of those who were overlooked. I am pretty much beside myself right now. I need to be in a glass house. I need to be in the open. A lot is at stake, a lot of lives and this is what I mean by saying that I will die for this because putting myself out front like this is killing me. "It hasn't been easy but it has been worth it. I still feel the intimidation that I felt as a child, only now I can know if the intimidation is something I really need to fear.

How far have I come? I thought there was no more and I was not asking for any more. I was content and my life has been unbelievably changed. My husband spoils me rotten. He is awesomely good to me. I can't take on a job for too long because I have Post Trauma Stress Syndrome. I hate it, but I am able to cope because I can slow down long enough to take a breath because of my husband. I want to be someone he can depend on and rely on. I am really feeling all this stuff. I feel it personally. I am coming into this with my head back, exposing my jugular vein to Gospel Assembly, trusting, believing; and if they are who they say they are, and if I am who I say I am, then all will be restored. The worst that could happen is I will learn the truths such as, “Are the teachings still true?” Even if we come short of living up to the teachings, and if Gospel Assembly is to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ, they too will have to bow before the Father so they can be given the desires of their hearts. Whatever judgments I have, I bring to the cross for He knows it all. Jesus knows if I lie. The only truth is the gospel. We are all going to have to suffer to receive the understanding. To God is the Glory. He created us to do this and the mystery of Christ lives in us. I heard this song today; it really blessed me. I thought it would be appropriate here. This comes from the CD.

“Alabaster Box” by CeCe Winans.

(vs 1)

The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus;

she stumbles through the tears that made her blind.

She felt such pain; some spoke in anger,

heard folks whisper, there's no place here for her kind.

Still on she came through the shame that flushed her face,

till at last she knelt before his feet

and though she spoke no words,

everything she said was heard as she poured her love

for the master from her box of alabaster.

(Chorus)

And I’ve come to pour my praise on him

like oil from Mary’s alabaster box;

don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

and I dry them with my hair.

You weren't there the night he found me;

you did not feel what I felt when

he wrapped his love around me;

and you don't know the cost

of the oil in my alabaster box.

(vs 2)

I can't forget the way life used to be;

I was a prisoner to the sin that bound me;

and I spent my days, poured my life without measure

into a little treasure box I thought I found;

until the day when Jesus came to me and

healed my soul with the wonder of his touch.

So now I’m giving back to him all the praise he is worthy of.

I’ve been forgiven and that's why I love him sooo much.

I have a desire to worship with these people. Even to this day, they are my family, just as I seek peace with my natural family. Both families are guilty of the gross accounts described by testimonies on this web site I feel the sorrow. I also know the deliverance. The one thing that could not be taken from me was my personal relationship with God, with my savior Jesus Christ. His name is wonderful. Through it all, He has become more real to me than ever before. I told Brother Gary Wright that every time I hear that he is looking for a miracle, I want to raise my hand. I am a miracle. I have had a real struggle with my disconnection from the church. Although I would seek for peace, I could not find it. I feel that the Lord has really worked a great work in my life.

Please understand that I am really trying to get to the root of all this. I think it is dangerous to think about this stuff without an outlet. I choose this outlet because I believe we are all searching for a solution that will heal the soul. I feel that the purpose of this web site is to confront something that has been hidden for a long time. I feel it is very difficult to discuss it. I feel there are people out there holding their breath, hoping for some kind of a magic happening. I feel there are some that believe nothing will change. I am concerned that the damn holding back the rivers of life is made up of fear and disbelief, so I am sharing my story in a more intimate way. As I do, I feel the resistance. This resistance is not new to me. I feel that people don't want the details. I feel that if we don't open up and expose this evil, we are putting ourselves in danger of becoming a part of the damn holding back the waters of life. The damn will be destroyed. It is only by the grace of God it has stood this long. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Whether you are a victim of worshiping a man as your God, or of incest, or of adultery, or of whatever; or if you are a perpetrator, there is forgiveness. If you are with a group of people that will not forgive, do not stop searching until you find the support you need. The Holy Ghost will lead you and direct you. Don't be afraid to trust Him.

I have made a lot of mistakes; I have sinned; He has forgiven. He is a God of peace and good will. I pray that I have not hurt anyone. I pray that the Lord will have His way in our lives. God knows that we cannot judge this righteously and Satan knows it, too. Lord, bring us to the fullness of you. We need you! Our ministers need a special touch. I pray, Lord, you will lift their hearts; make them strong and courageous in your spirit, that all may glorify you. Jesus, I love you sooo much. Thank you for giving me a new life, one without wickedness, one of pure love. What a beautiful way to live! Without you, Lord, it is simply not possible. You are truly a mystery. Thank you; Lord, for making me a part of your mystery. Let each one of us claim the victory over sin and death. Let each of us become wise in the things of God and simple to sin. There is no power in sin. NONE. ZERO. NADA.

Something wonderful has happened to me. My faith has become my belief. It happened right here in my house. If we are to be led by the spirit, I stand on that. My voice will be heard, for there is neither male nor female in the Spirit. This is my testimony: the raising up of the weak in the name of Jesus, who have suffered the cause and have died in Christ and now live in Christ. I’m not the only one. Call me crazy– I’ve been called worse! If I am wrong, so be it! All I know is that something very wonderful and powerful has happened to me.

That is the amazing thing about all that is happening right now. I really prayed about this, am in prayer everyday. I cry myself to sleep over this. My family is talking about it; some of them have never been able to talk about it before. I did not expect to have the strength or courage to do what I am doing now; I am sincere when I say a miracle has taken place in my life, and I am sincere when I say that there is a church here on this earth that was not built by man. As of today, I know who Jesus really is and what He is capable of. If I be judged by anything, I pray to be judged the words that come out of my mouth. Although I do not put my trust in Brother Brown I respect him and he is equal to me, as I am equal to him, and we are both servants of Christ.

I am not here to serve man. Because of this great miracle, I feel I finally have something to give that is real. Some may hear it and some may not. I just know that when I told the truth about the things that happened to me, no one listened to that either. I am truly set free! I know that the kingdom of God is in me. I have sought it out diligently. I only am telling what God has revealed unto me. My salvation does not have anything to do with Gospel Assembly or any other group that builds them selves up as a religion. Jesus founded the church a long time ago. I just know that I am a part of that church by the grace of our Lord. I speak for that church that is unseen by man, and I know there are more. People over the web site need to hear this. Whether they believe or not is their choice, as it is mine. I believe there is something to this that is bigger than I am. I am willing to die for what God has done for me, and I want people to know. If you can know it for yourself, you can know it for others. I am not trying to make anyone look good or to cover anything up. I love you. Please pray for me and I will pray for you. This is my testimony.

I find it to be encouragement as I reach for my dreams. I thank the Lord for the strength He has placed in my life to confront the issues that are upon us. My husband had been telling me to go get my nails done, go to the tanning booth and have a few glasses of wine. I told him, "Honey, thank you, I'll get to all that later. "I can't stop no matter how much it hurts. It is not about me alone. I told him I was trying to understand my "zealousness", my obsession, and my drive. Am I just torturing myself? Then it came to me. It is like being in a serious accident and losing my leg. First there is anger, and then you have to come to accepting the loss. That is where I was before I found this web site. I had come to accept it. I was at peace with God. I was restored in Him but He came to give us life and that more abundantly. All of a sudden I have learned of a miracle that has been offered that would allow full restoration of the missing part of the body. Of course my heart will skip a beat. Of course I will jump forward. I need this miracle. I have waited so long.

I know that God loves us, and I am not afraid to express my fears, for I believe He will touch the hearts of those who read my words and God knows my prayer is for all of us to give Him our religion, our families, and accept the changes He is making for our salvation. The Lord let me know about six months ago that I will learn to hate what He hates and love what He loves. This was before I had made this commitment to serve Him and seek Him in all things. God knows the struggles within me. I am judged as a backslider; rebellious; and will never change. Those who judge me in this way are looking for me to conform and to give the appearance of one of them according to the eyes of man. That is so sad, because God has done an awesome work in my life. I have nothing in my carnal life to give any credibility to support who I am in Christ. I have done nothing to achieve His grace. He loves me. He knows me.

I have received messages of hurt saints, some of whom have not attended Gospel Assembly in years, due to hurt. These people seem to have a desire to forgive. Before I came to this web site, I could not have offered any more than my testimony of faith, which eventually brought me to the cross as I had mentioned before. I have longed to give my testimony of the healing to my family for years, and felt I could not because I did not want to offend the innocent or bring humiliation to the guilty unless it would be unto repentance, that their soul be saved. Jesus brought down the strongholds, leaving us without an excuse to serve Him. At the cross is where it begins. Through this awesome gift, today I can see through the eyes of Jesus rather than through the eyes of Judas, for through Judas' eyes we can only see the sin. Through the eyes of Jesus we see the cross and through the spirit of God, the Holy Ghost, we are able to die in Christ as He has died and resurrected overcoming death and the grave. I believe in miracles for I truly believe in Jesus. If not for Him we suffer for nothing. Our peace is in Him. Gospel Assembly is to be a church, not a religion. As Jesus was betrayed so shall we be betrayed. It was the kiss of Judas that brought the body of Christ to the cross. I have to make it to the cross, for Christ did not die for nothing.

These things are true, not because I say so or Billy Brown, Clyde Patton, Tom Jolly or William Sowders. The witness is in the blue in the sky, the green of the grass, the hairs on our heads, the sacrifice of Jesus and the fact that I live. We ask you Lord in faith and believing that you extend you arms of mercy to all those who have suffered, and Lord we receive your blessings with open hearts and open minds. Thank you Lord for giving us a free will. Thank you Lord for the baptism of the Holy Ghost, the baptism of water and the baptism of fire, leaving us wanting nothing, content, and preserved by your grace. Let this be my testimony and my hope for all who have suffered unjustly just as I have. I lift up the body of Christ as you Lord have lifted me. Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth, Peace and Good Will toward Men.

Go to: CHAPTER ONE - CHILDHOOD

PERSONAL STORIES