JOURNEY TO A DREAM

BY: DEBI DOWLING

FORWARD

“So now I’m giving back to him all the praise he is worthy of.

I’ve been forgiven and that's why I love him sooo much.”

My name is Debra Lynn Dacus (Dowling, now that I am married), and I just want to lift my hands and praise almighty God for the power to overcome sin through the baptism of the Holy Ghost. Thank you, Lord, for letting me see that it is He that hath made us and not we ourselves; thank you, Lord, for being the Lord of my life, you are truly my strength, you are my guide, there is no one else above you. I pray, Lord, for those who seek this understanding of you. I thank you, Lord, for the mercy you have shown us all. I bow before you with a broken heart, empty of all the wickedness that would surely destroy me, taking from me the joy with which you have blessed me. I am yours, Lord, and yours alone. May each person that I come in contact with know of your blessing; Lord, teach me to speak for you. Thank you for the power to overcome! In Jesus’ name bless those on this web site who see your will and have learned through much suffering your true intentions for mankind.

My testimony has suddenly become very essential. My desire is to give comfort to the victims and even provoke the perpetrators to come forward. I would like to offer a place for the victims to speak out, but first it has to be me. My intention is not to hurt, but to provide an opportunity to heal. I feel a responsibility to these people even now. I occasionally go to the services held in my area. My desire is to bring all this to light. There is so much to tell that I don't really know how to start. I feel the opportunity these web sites gives is for each of us to finally receive the truth. Our life with Christ is truly personal. We have all we need in him. Even as a child I refused to trust any man. When it came to judging myself - that is a story in itself. I do believe there are some who have risen above the evil, but are afraid to uncover it. My testimony not only uncovers the church, but my family as well, as my father became a minister. I may need to tell my testimony in parts. I believe each part will help someone else as it has helped me. In reading others’ testimonies, to know that what they experienced was real and we can be healed. For the first time, we are able to know for ourselves who Jesus is. Thank you for this opportunity.

As I sit here sobbing, the pain inflicted on these innocent people overwhelms my heart. I too was a victim. I grew up in Gospel Assembly Church, but Lloyd Goodwin was not favored from our congregation. However, I feel because he was never dealt with, his venom poisoned many children of God. I would like to post my testimony here. I’m not sure how to go about doing so. I can't believe this website is available. The whole thing terrifies me. I am beginning to see how fear is in total contrast to believing in the power that Jesus' resurrection brought to us, fear that something we do or say will keep one of God's children from making the bride, or living an overcoming life.

I read Wanda’s story. It was as though I was reading a story about my own life, aside from the part where Lloyd Goodwin threatened her life. In 1994, I was diagnosed with Post -Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The doctor told me it is the same thing that some Vietnam Veterans have to experience for the rest of their lives, as Wanda’s husband, Robert has described. I must tell you, I find all this so frightening. I am beginning to realize what it is I am walking into. I also can see the divine mercy of our Father. We are blessed. We are free... free at last! We finally are able to have a true, undefiled relationship with our Lord and savior. My heart does rejoice for the victory. I will continue my attempt. If the Lord can get us this far, I'm sure He will take us all the way.

I am trying to face what is happening to me. I am so focused on the new thinking and because it came upon me so suddenly, I am putting it out here to be judged and questioned. I read my own words and find myself breaking down and crying each time. I feel myself believing for the first time that I belong. I don't believe I could ever prove what only I have witnessed. It is funny when a person experiences something really awful, like a car wreck or some other awesome tragedy, they want to tell it over and over and over and how they came through it, and often it starts a chain reaction. Others tell their experiences and you watch how everyone is affected. I am beginning to see that when you begin to speak of emotional or psychological victories, you also have to share the tragedy that brought you to the victory. People are affected and they try to put themselves into that situation and as the storyteller tells his/her story he/she learns to give it in such a way that the listener does feel it, like a preacher.

I question everything, and foremost, I question myself. If I know what keeps others from being honest then I know what keeps me from being honest. My desire is for honesty. I don't want to hide behind lies. I don't want to get so hyped up that I hurt someone else. I just want to serve the Lord with everything I have. I want to be a part of the solution. Thank you guys for listening to me. I am listening to you, all of you. I love relationships, even if they get sticky. I never want to walk away from someone that is reaching out. I believe it takes me getting to know myself before I have anything real to give to someone else. To me this is the teaching of the Gospel Assembly Church in Houston where I grew up.

“What goes up must come down.” Something was overlooked and now it is being taking care of. Hey, that is a part of my healing. I was one of those who were overlooked. I am pretty much beside myself right now. I need to be in a glass house. I need to be in the open. A lot is at stake, a lot of lives and this is what I mean by saying that I will die for this because putting myself out front like this is killing me. "It hasn't been easy but it has been worth it. I still feel the intimidation that I felt as a child, only now I can know if the intimidation is something I really need to fear.

How far have I come? I thought there was no more and I was not asking for any more. I was content and my life has been unbelievably changed. My husband spoils me rotten. He is awesomely good to me. I can't take on a job for too long because I have Post Trauma Stress Syndrome. I hate it, but I am able to cope because I can slow down long enough to take a breath because of my husband. I want to be someone he can depend on and rely on. I am really feeling all this stuff. I feel it personally. I am coming into this with my head back, exposing my jugular vein to Gospel Assembly, trusting, believing; and if they are who they say they are, and if I am who I say I am, then all will be restored. The worst that could happen is I will learn the truths such as, “Are the teachings still true?” Even if we come short of living up to the teachings, and if Gospel Assembly is to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ, they too will have to bow before the Father so they can be given the desires of their hearts. Whatever judgments I have, I bring to the cross for He knows it all. Jesus knows if I lie. The only truth is the gospel. We are all going to have to suffer to receive the understanding. To God is the Glory. He created us to do this and the mystery of Christ lives in us. I heard this song today; it really blessed me. I thought it would be appropriate here. This comes from the CD

“Alabaster Box” by CeCe Winans.

(vs 1)

The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus;

she stumbles through the tears that made her blind.

She felt such pain; some spoke in anger,

heard folks whisper, there's no place here for her kind.

Still on she came through the shame that flushed her face,

till at last she knelt before his feet

and though she spoke no words,

everything she said was heard as she poured her love

for the master from her box of alabaster.

(Chorus)

And I’ve come to pour my praise on him

like oil from Mary’s alabaster box;

don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

and I dry them with my hair.

You weren't there the night he found me;

you did not feel what I felt when

he wrapped his love around me;

and you don't know the cost

of the oil in my alabaster box.

(vs 2)

I can't forget the way life used to be;

I was a prisoner to the sin that bound me;

and I spent my days, poured my life without measure

into a little treasure box I thought I found;

until the day when Jesus came to me and

healed my soul with the wonder of his touch.

So now I’m giving back to him all the praise he is worthy of.

I’ve been forgiven and that's why I love him sooo much.

I have a desire to worship with these people. Even to this day, they are my family, just as I seek peace with my natural family. Both families are guilty of the gross accounts described by testimonies on this web site I feel the sorrow. I also know the deliverance. The one thing that could not be taken from me was my personal relationship with God, with my savior Jesus Christ. His name is wonderful. Through it all, He has become more real to me than ever before. I told Bro. Gary Wright that every time I hear that he is looking for a miracle, I want to raise my hand. I am a miracle. I have had a real struggle with my disconnection from the church. Although I would seek for peace, I could not find it. I feel that the Lord has really worked a great work in my life.

Please understand that I am really trying to get to the root of all this. I think it is dangerous to think about this stuff without an outlet. I choose this outlet because I believe we are all searching for a solution that will heal the soul. I feel that the purpose of this web site is to confront something that has been hidden for a long time. I feel it is very difficult to discuss it. I feel there are people out there holding their breath, hoping for some kind of a magic happening. I feel there are some that believe nothing will change. I am concerned that the damn holding back the rivers of life is made up of fear and disbelief, so I am sharing my story in a more intimate way. As I do, I feel the resistance. This resistance is not new to me. I feel that people don't want the details. I feel that if we don't open up and expose this evil, we are putting ourselves in danger of becoming a part of the damn holding back the waters of life. The damn will be destroyed. It is only by the grace of God it has stood this long. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Whether you are a victim of worshiping a man as your God, or of incest, or of adultery, or of whatever; or if you are a perpetrator, there is forgiveness. If you are with a group of people that will not forgive, do not stop searching until you find the support you need. The Holy Ghost will lead you and direct you. Don't be afraid to trust Him.

I have made a lot of mistakes; I have sinned; He has forgiven. He is a God of peace and good will. I pray that I have not hurt anyone. I pray that the Lord will have His way in our lives. God knows that we cannot judge this righteously and Satan knows it, too. Lord, bring us to the fullness of you. We need you! Our ministers need a special touch. I pray, Lord, you will lift their hearts; make them strong and courageous in your spirit, that all may glorify you. Jesus, I love you sooo much. Thank you for giving me a new life, one without wickedness, one of pure love. What a beautiful way to live! Without you, Lord, it is simply not possible. You are truly a mystery. Thank you; Lord, for making me a part of your mystery. Let each one of us claim the victory over sin and death. Let each of us become wise in the things of God and simple to sin. There is no power in sin. NONE. ZERO. NADA.

Something wonderful has happened to me. My faith has become my belief. It happened right here in my house. If we are to be led by the spirit, I stand on that. My voice will be heard, for there is neither male nor female in the Spirit. This is my testimony: the raising up of the weak in the name of Jesus, who have suffered the cause and have died in Christ and now live in Christ. I’m not the only one. Call me crazy– I’ve been called worse! If I am wrong, so be it! All I know is that something very wonderful and powerful has happened to me.

That is the amazing thing about all that is happening right now. I really prayed about this, am in prayer everyday. I cry myself to sleep over this. My family is talking about it; some of them have never been able to talk about it before. I did not expect to have the strength or courage to do what I am doing now; I am sincere when I say a miracle has taken place in my life, and I am sincere when I say that there is a church here on this earth that was not built by man. As of today, I know who Jesus really is and what He is capable of. If I be judged by anything, I pray to be judged the words that come out of my mouth. Although I do not put my trust in Brother Brown I respect him and he is equal to me, as I am equal to him, and we are both servants of Christ.

I am not here to serve man. Because of this great miracle, I feel I finally have something to give that is real. Some may hear it and some may not. I just know that when I told the truth about the things that happened to me, no one listened to that either. I am truly set free! I know that the kingdom of God is in me. I have sought it out diligently. I only am telling what God has revealed unto me. My salvation does not have anything to do with Gospel Assembly or any other group that builds them selves up as a religion. Jesus founded the church a long time ago. I just know that I am a part of that church by the grace of our Lord. I speak for that church that is unseen by man, and I know there are more. People over the web site need to hear this. Whether they believe or not is their choice, as it is mine. I believe there is something to this that is bigger than I am. I am willing to die for what God has done for me, and I want people to know. If you can know it for yourself, you can know it for others. I am not trying to make anyone look good or to cover anything up. I love you. Please pray for me and I will pray for you. This is my testimony.

I find it to be encouragement as I reach for my dreams. I thank the Lord for the strength He has placed in my life to confront the issues that are upon us. My husband had been telling me to go get my nails done, go to the tanning booth and have a few glasses of wine. I told him, "Honey, thank you, I'll get to all that later. "I can't stop no matter how much it hurts. It is not about me alone. I told him I was trying to understand my "zealousness", my obsession, and my drive. Am I just torturing myself? Then it came to me. It is like being in a serious accident and losing my leg. First there is anger, and then you have to come to accepting the loss. That is where I was before I found this web site. I had come to accept it. I was at peace with God. I was restored in Him but He came to give us life and that more abundantly. All of a sudden I have learned of a miracle that has been offered that would allow full restoration of the missing part of the body. Of course my heart will skip a beat. Of course I will jump forward. I need this miracle. I have waited so long.

I know that God loves us, and I am not afraid to express my fears, for I believe He will touch the hearts of those who read my words and God knows my prayer is for all of us to give Him our religion, our families, and accept the changes He is making for our salvation. The Lord let me know about six months ago that I will learn to hate what He hates and love what He loves. This was before I had made this commitment to serve Him and seek Him in all things. God knows the struggles within me. I am judged as a backslider; rebellious; and will never change. Those who judge me in this way are looking for me to conform and to give the appearance of one of them according to the eyes of man. That is so sad, because God has done an awesome work in my life. I have nothing in my carnal life to give any credibility to support who I am in Christ. I have done nothing to achieve His grace. He loves me. He knows me.

I have received messages of hurt saints, some of whom have not attended Gospel Assembly in years, due to hurt. These people seem to have a desire to forgive. Before I came to this web site, I could not have offered any more than my testimony of faith, which eventually brought me to the cross as I had mentioned before. I have longed to give my testimony of the healing to my family for years, and felt I could not because I did not want to offend the innocent or bring humiliation to the guilty unless it would be unto repentance, that their soul be saved. Jesus brought down the strongholds, leaving us without an excuse to serve Him. At the cross is where it begins. Through this awesome gift, today I can see through the eyes of Jesus rather than through the eyes of Judas, for through Judas' eyes we can only see the sin. Through the eyes of Jesus we see the cross and through the spirit of God, the Holy Ghost, we are able to die in Christ as He has died and resurrected overcoming death and the grave. I believe in miracles for I truly believe in Jesus. If not for Him we suffer for nothing. Our peace is in Him. Gospel Assembly is to be a church, not a religion. As Jesus was betrayed so shall we be betrayed. It was the kiss of Judas that brought the body of Christ to the cross. I have to make it to the cross for Christ did not die for nothing.

These things are true, not because I say so or Billy Brown, Clyde Patton, Tom Jolly or William Sowders. The witness is in the blue in the sky, the green of the grass, the hairs on our heads, the sacrifice of Jesus and the fact that I live. We ask you Lord in faith and believing that you extend you arms of mercy to all those who have suffered, and Lord we receive your blessings with open hearts and open minds. Thank you Lord for giving us a free will. Thank you Lord for the baptism of the Holy Ghost, the baptism of water and the baptism of fire, leaving us wanting nothing, content, and preserved by your grace. Let this be my testimony and my hope for all who have suffered unjustly just as I have. I lift up the body of Christ as you Lord have lifted me. Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth, Peace and Good Will toward Men.

CHAPTER ONE – CHILDHOOD

When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

I remember the deliverance that fell upon the church at the time my family came into the church. The church had just split from Jolly. My experience at the time I received the Holy Ghost was miraculous. I received the Holy Ghost at eight years old. It was an awesome experience. I remember how close I felt to Him; I was safe from evil. I always wondered why didn't I receive it like everyone else? You know you go to church, receive the Holy Ghost, come home, everyone is excited and that's about it. Oh, not me. I had no Christian upbringing. When I received the Holy Ghost. I was under it for 4 to 6 hours. Visions like a picture show. I was astonished as I came to. (I know this sounds sci-fi.) I began telling my mom, "They were eating raw fish!” I could smell the sand; feel the wet of it under my feet. I could feel Paul's personality. It was like I knew these people intimately it was that experience that held me to the truth. It was great to tell of all I had seen.

I also received a lot of special attention that later became a burden. I was thought of as having some special gift that gave me a direct connection with God. I remember the burden getting so heavy that I told my mom it was a devil; that I was not so special. But, the visions did not stop. The blessings I received were so deep. I saw myself walking on this cloud, holding hands with Jesus. My feet got cold, so He picked me up and held me, then explained why my feet were cold. I was walking over the state of California, and they were experiencing an unusual amount of snow. My parents’ read of such an occurrence in the newspaper weeks later.

Still, I did not want the oppression of this kind of attention. There was also a vision or whatever one is more comfortable calling it, where this angel who introduced himself as Gabriel caught me up. We soared across this body of water; I saw a statue in the middle of the water, holding up one arm as if it were a sign of victory. The angel told me that when we passed this way again the image would not be there. And, sure enough, when the angel and I traveled back, this time in a speed that would allow observation, I saw that the image had been destroyed. All of theses visions were given in my childhood.

People who do not lean on the power of the Holy Ghost have visions, just like in the Bible. I think of how the Old Testament astrologers brought understanding to the kings. They were depended on. Daniel received great understanding through the form of visions. So many times we look to signs and wonders to prove to us that God is real. I know I have been guilty of this. Often we overlook the miracles right in front of us. I often thought that the scripture in the Bible that warns us of looking for signs and wonders, if it has something to do with this.

God spoke through a burning bush. He proved Himself with the ordeal with the snakes, the parting of the Red Sea. Throughout the Bible the stories are told of how God has revealed Himself. I think of Jesus as He was performing miracles. He asked. Why do you believe? Is it because of the miracles? Blessed are they that believe and cannot see.” (I feel the witness to this as I think of my own salvation). Overall, the way I see it, is we cannot prove God. We must let him prove Himself through our testimony. I am trying to answer to that calling. Though the request is so simple, the task is so great. I am seeing this as I empty myself out on this web site. It makes me humble; and my compassion for those who are seeking the will of God is enhanced. That in its self is proof to me of the existence of God. This compassion is truly of Him. For I have lived my life in anger. Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth, PEACE. My, my! What an awesome Father, a miracle worker, a beautiful mystery.

Outside of the intimate relation that I had with the Lord, were the other issues of abuse that were ongoing. When the BIG EVENT came down on my head around 10-11 years old, I began to change. I grew more and more angry and frustrated; I felt trapped. The Lord continued to bless me through deep blessings and visions, but I still dealt with the torture in my mind.

My life at home was very scary. My Mom was obsessed with the church. I can remember the beatings, as she would pray over us, casting out demons in the name of Jesus. I grew up thinking I was possessed. I never really learned to take responsibility for my own actions. I had very little grasp of what being a human being was all about. We were raised not to participate in worldly activities or communicate with the world. I lived behind the church. I went to the church school. I remember a time (I was in the first grade and my brother was in the second grade) when my mother could not find her keys to take us to school. She knew one of us kids had hidden them (my brother or myself). My family still talks about this; they all believe I am either devil possessed or blessed of God to endure this incident in the manner that I did. My mother told me she was going to take me in the bathroom and strip me of my clothes; she would begin at my ankles and by the time she got around my neck I would tell her the truth. She did as she had promised. I cried, but she would not stop beating me. I lay across the toilet and gave her my body to do whatever she wished. I dissociated myself from the blows of the belt, which made her angrier.

My brother was so scared for me. That it just the way things were and I had no choice. When the ministry stands up and says, “Honor your father and your mother,” for those that are not in abusive families, this is easily learned. As a child, I believed this was the way it was; I believed all this was for my perfection; I believed it was God's will to take this discipline; my soul was the issue. Well I was half right, I have learned that there is a discipline of Love and my soul is the issue. We listened to church teachings at home. I remember having one of my girlfriends over between services. We were listening to a country and western station on the radio. We had the volume down so low; we had to put our ear up against the radio to hear the music. My mother came in the door. She was angry. She took me in her room and began whipping me with a belt. I remember crying, feeling pity for myself. She continued beating me as she tried casting out evil spirits. I was so weak; when I went to stand up, I fell to the floor. She began beating me again. I can't believe I survived all the beatings. Throughout my life at home, I was marked as a rebellious child. I was continually running away. Then, there was my father. He molested me over and over. I’m not sure how important the details are. There were some incidents I will not mention. He really crossed the line. No one ever believed me.

I will start when my little sister was born. I was 10 years old. I took care of her, changed her diapers and all the mommy stuff. My mother had gone to a ladies’ prayer meeting, and my dad was home with us. My sister's baby bed was in the room my parents slept in, and I was actually in the baby bed with my sister, caring for her. My dad was in his bed and I heard and saw things that I should not have been subjected to. I told mom when she got home and she said he was doing that in his sleep. We moved into a house close to the church on Airline. I had a bed-wetting problem and my father would wake me up and put me in my bed. One night, he ran his tongue in my mouth. I told my mom. Another time, I was in the living room and my father paraded himself in front of me naked. I remember many times my mother would send me out of the room for no apparent reason and I would cry because I never knew what I had done wrong.

My mother got a job at a hamburger place, and my brother, two sisters, and I were home with my dad. He said he had a headache and asked me to lie at the end of the bed to answer the phone if it rang. I still cannot tell of the things that happened because I was so scared. He was making noises and I could feel his fat smothering my face. The phone rang and he answered it. I was pinned down under him and he hung up the phone and began saying, “Praise the Lord,” “Hallelujah,” and “Thank you Lord.” I don’t know how long this went on but I do remember the phone ringing three different times. I don't even remember how I got out of the room because the next thing I remember is that I was standing in my front yard. I was so scared and confused. I ran from him. The safest place I could think of was the church. I began running and my brother chased me down. When I told him what happened, he pushed me into the nearby ditch and ran to get my father. They caught me. When my dad approached me, he held my hand, so gentle and loving and said, “Honey what is wrong? You had a bad dream.” My father to this day does not admit any of this.

I had to sit in a room and wait for my mother to get home. I knew my dad was in big trouble when she got home. Well, dad was not in big trouble. All this went before the ministry, including Brother Clyde Patton, Brother Billy Brown and Brother George Wright, (Gary's dad). They suggested that I be moved into my grandmother's house. On the night of the big event, my father kept telling me it was all a dream.

I was taken down to what was called the "Little Red Barn." My mother, through the advice of the ministry, helped the men in casting out and naming the spirits that possessed me, such as the “spirit of lust.” She believed we had spirits that seduced each other. I remember wanting deliverance so bad. I wanted to be "a perfect overcomer." I wanted to be loved.

At one point, my mother did kick my father out of the house. She had a dream that she felt was an answer to prayer. She kicked my dad out. After my mom kicked dad out, Bro. Clyde Patton said she had done the right thing. He later came back to tell her she needed my father for financial support. In an effort to be obedient to the ministry, she let him come back and he continued to molest me. Not only was he asked to move back, sometime later, he was made pastor of the Willis church. The church was later taken from him because he was not financially responsible. Bro. Patton confronted him in front of everyone. This is what separated my dad from the church. Eventually, my parents divorced. My mother today says the divorce was because of what he did to me. My father was exposed when I was around 10. They divorced when I was in my 20's. No one did anything. I have come back. I look at Bro. Billy Brown; he counseled us throughout the whole event. I never really had much to say to him. I wonder why no one comes up to me now, no one to this day. Maybe we just learn to forgive. I do not go to church there to find comfort for myself. I seek to find the courage to let my life be a testimony for all the survivors.

At the age of twelve, I began to dream of what it would be like to be free. My mind was set on getting away from my home. I loved them all, but I just couldn't take anymore. I became a very rebellious youth. The dreams I had upon receiving the Holy Ghost stayed with me, like falling in love for the first time. It created an absolute bond. This was the one thing that haunted me throughout my life. I would tell only my closest friends. I always questioned it, the dream about California bad weather. I still don't understand the importance of it except that it takes away doubt when I am told, even when I am telling myself, God does not care or He is not paying attention.

I want to thank the Lord for all He has shown me through my afflictions. The joy in my soul has made the journey a blessing rather than a curse. Something for me that keeps coming to mind is that, as the Lord has been dealing with me through the years I am brought back to a memory. When I was young, much younger, early teens maybe, I had this amazing enlightening dream. I remember the emotions I felt in this dream. I knew that we had made it. I saw many of the sisters in the church. Now in this dream the emotion was one of joy, yet, the women in the church were not dressed as they dress now. They were hidden away in something similar to a war vault. They were very oppressed. Their names had been changed. I remember trying to get the point across in this dream. As my story was told, I had many of the saints ask me if they were specifically in the dream. I remember the burden I felt on me, as I watched each one with hope in their eyes. The true meaning of that vision was displaced, as I was too young to deliver it appropriately. I’m not sure I was even a teen at the time.

The dream of the women in oppression: I believe that is about what is going on now. I believe the women have been oppressed, but God has always had His hand in it, for His glory not man's. These women are already a part of the victory. Their sins will be pardoned, and this will release the sins that put them into oppression. All will know the true meaning of the power of forgiveness (this is my feeling); I believe this with all my heart. This blesses me. I believe it so much. I no longer fear the past. I rejoice in the future. I rejoice in my present, for I know if He brought me this far, He will do the rest. This is the dream I had, and I see it. Not only do I see it, I am a part of it, else I would have never had the kind of faith necessary to believe in what I now know. These dreams are a confirmation to me of the power of God. I am so blessed, amazed, and humbled by Him. Oh! My goodness. I wondered about the significance of this information, the vision of the women in oppression, yet rejoicing of their victory, so thankful they had "made it.” The dream where the angel showed me the statue had been destroyed: I knew the meaning of that dream upon receiving it. At the time, I could not imagine a life outside the church, so the dream left an uncomfortable feeling, certainly not one you go around shouting about.

I believe that dream is also about now. I still cannot give the interpretation of it because of the possibility that someone could be offended; someone who is so close to a victory for themselves that administering this information could cause them to lose hope. Some people serve God to find security, because they have not learned what it is, they have in God. He is your insecurity as well as your security.

My connection with the Houston church is through my spiritual birth, as is my connection to my natural family. After my marriage to my present husband, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to come to peace with my spiritual family. I would reason with that desire constantly. I really didn't have any animosity, I felt humiliation and terror every time I was around the familiar atmosphere. I remember one day driving into the parking lot of the church on Airline and crying out loud, “Please, I just want to come home.” I sat in the parking lot and went through the fear, allowing myself to be ripped apart inside, still praying, “Please Lord take this desire away!” I wanted so desperately to be whole again.

A year later, I went to the house where this had happened. This time I took a friend. I pulled off the side of the road and began vomiting. I hated how this had such a strong hold on me. This was one in a million times I had tried to go down that street. This time I made it. I thought to myself, “If this never happened to me, why am I so tormented?” “If I was so delusional, why didn't anyone seek help for me?” I remembered my father standing in the hallway and my mother looking at me, saying, “Now I want you to look your father in the eye and tell him what he did to you.” I was standing at the kitchen cabinets. I began to tell him. He laughed at me and asked me why I hated him so much and did I want him and my mother to get a divorce that bad? I began beating my head against the kitchen cabinets.

This all came back to me as I sat in front of the house where it happened. Or as it has always been said; “where it never happened.” It breaks me completely to think that anyone is going through this. I am afraid they may be overlooked. I am slowing down to grasp the feeling that was portrayed through my mother’s eyes: body language. I always wanted to understand the type of thinking of a person who commits acts of incest or tortures their children. How can they have any concept of love? She has described her view of the relationship of my father and myself. It was as though she were trying to show me how even in my innocence I was guilty. That I was born with the sin of Adam, and my father was the one who was weak. As she has tried to explain these things to me, I began to understand the beating I received from my mother (in the name of Jesus). She was battling her own mind. This is not God’s will. She carries so much guilt. At the same time, I have compassion for her because even when she wanted to do something, she felt she would be disobeying God if she did not obey the ministry. What I am telling her is that there is a church that Paul speaks of and the Lord has truly lifted me into a place of understanding that I am a part of it... by grace. There are others, whether they are imprisoned by the religious demon that has brought this illness on Gospel Assembly, or any other religious group. The point is, it all must come down.

I remember when I was a kid. On Airline Street, the whole street was filled with topless bars. I remember our church protesting against the bars. I got so angry. I lived behind the church. Often I would just watch the people going in and out. I wondered why I never heard of us offering help. I would truly try to figure out why we never offered a hand to people outside the church. I could imagine Jesus walking across the street. He would be dressed in a way that people would not see Him as different. He would blend in. I could imagine the beautiful words that would come out of His mouth, the words of life. I would get so blessed just daydreaming about it. I always felt our approach to overcoming sin was self-righteous. It is no wonder I "backslid.”

I am sure that Jesus would not hang out in topless bars anymore than he hung out with "Christians" or religious groups. The simplicity of Him is what I feel is missing. I feel that we (GAC) are building a place of safety in an effort to be in this world; but not of this world. Because of the influence that I grew up under as a child raised in GAC, I am compelled to believe there is more to that scripture than feeling safe because you attend service, dress a certain way, worship a certain way. The true separation from the world is the internal belief that we are saved by grace. The closer I come to the truth that I am no longer under the law of sin, but under the law of grace, I feel the resurrection of Christ. This is where I receive a new mind. This does not happen by drilling people through service every night or listening to tapes at home, making demands such as do not go outside the church for help (psychiatrists or counseling). I would have never received any kind of help if I had not gone outside the church. No one even believed it enough to offer any help. That is not a safe place; no matter how beautiful the worship is, or how holy the dress is; our hearts are blind to the needs of the people.

My backsliding put me in an honest relationship with myself. I am not happy about the things that I suffered; I am thankful that the Lord has used my life to reflect Him in a very real way. My life is not sugar coated. My testimony is a truth of how Jesus has a personal interest in each and every one of us. My story does not in any way reflect the power of man. I am, and will always be, a member of Gospel Assembly on Airline Drive. They will always be a very special people in my heart. My natural family will always be dear to me as well. I am in a constant struggle when it comes to always putting Jesus first. I am vulnerable to both influences. Then I have my own thinking that I do not trust anymore than I trust the judgment of GAC or the Dacus clan or all those on this web site.

My point is that I never personally developed a belief that the ministers were anything more than messengers of God. I never took that lightly. I feel we are all messengers or vessels of God and He will use us according to our hearts desire. Some are vessels of honor and some are vessels of dishonor. I remember the stir over the young people when we heard that Brother and Sister Brown were going to have a baby. We had heard him teach that we would have to overcome sex. I never thought of overcoming as “not being human.” I always thought of overcoming as giving everything to God, your sins, your lusts, and He would mold you according to His will. To me if two people were married it was only natural that they would have a child. What is the sin in that? Whatever the sin is in that it is covered through the sanctity of marriage because Jesus said so. The message of marriage to me is beautiful. It’s too bad there are so many hang-ups.

My parents taught us all the stuff that I hear over this web site. They enforced the rules as they are spelled out on this web site. I can see Lloyd Goodwin in my mother. The problem I have today is; for the first time I am questioning where they got these ideas? I wonder how much of what they did was because they were "following the ministry.” As my mind recaptures the past I am beginning to see my parents were under a very heavy load. I remember what I thought of Brother Patton as a child. My parents taught me that he was a minister and that God would punish us if we said anything against him. I thought he must be an overcomer. I watched him closely as I was growing up. I thought of Brother Brown in this way and Brother George Wright. There was a Shetland pony around "the ten acres" when I was growing up. There were some of us who wanted to ride him. I had watched several of the guys try it. I watched the pony buck them off. Bro. Patton drove by. I asked him if he thought the pony would buck me off. He said it would not buck little girls. I hopped right on. The pony did not care that I was a little girl. My back was terribly bruised. The pony threw me off and kicked me several times. I could not get up. My mother came running out. She was very angry with me. I am sure he never intended for me to get on the pony. But I truly believed I was safe because BRO. PATTON said so. I never thought of him in that way from that moment on.

God created good and evil. He created evil for its day. This is a thought I have had to go back to all my life. I truly feel that organized religion is an abomination to God. Too often I have looked upon my church as an organized religion. I have heard it preached over and over how different we were compared to other organized religions. I have never been able to agree. Most of the ways I have thought have been looked upon as rebellious. I have never had a minister say this to me. I have never really been under "the ministry" since I have become an adult. I came close.

As I told Darlene, I don't think we remember differently the things that happened in the church. She lived in one environment as the pastor’s daughter and I lived in another. I really appreciate her. Like I have said before, I never knew the ministers as an adult. I had the influence of my parents. My mom had the strongest influence. I did not know Bro. Patton personally. I never saw our church, as a whole; do things for the community openly. Maybe there is a good reason for this. I have always had a desire to reach out. This is not saying anything particularly bad, I have always been curious as to why we never had benefits for the needy outside the church. The influence around me growing up in the church was we were of a higher calling. We were not to partake of any of the world. We were not to associate with them in any way. I honestly don't know if my parents took things to the extreme or if this was the true teaching of the church.

The purpose of me posting on this site is to let out all my negative thoughts, and positive. I desire an open and honest relationship with the church. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety with this. I was taught to look to all the ministers as above my parents in authority; therefore, I am left with the assumption that the life I had at home had to do with their approval. When Bro. Patton heard of the situation in our home the first thing he advised was to move me into my grandmother's. This really upset me. I had a true love for the church. My grandmother was an atheist. Bro. Patton was very aware of the incident with my family and if he were with us today I believe he would never deny it. As a matter of fact, I wish I could have had the courage to talk to him. I wish I had not believed that he was so far above me that he was untouchable. I truly believe he would have worked with me. I believe Bro. Patton and his whole family are very giving people. He did come back just before he passed away to repent to my mom for not having the right answers in our case. He went out of his way to locate her at the courthouse in Conroe. That truly affected our family. He put softness there.

Please try to understand that the fears and distrust associated with the issues implied on this web site are not to hurt or destroy anyone. I will say for myself personally: this matter leaves a feeling of no-trust. I want to overcome this. In order for me to be a part of the church, as I desire to; I cannot leave anything to chance. I wish none of the events of the past had occurred. I really thought that I would never have to deal with them again. Brother Patton was a good man; he, like anyone else, made mistakes, but no one could ever accuse him of being anything like Lloyd Goodwin.

Even though I have received great victory, my heart is in pain as long as I know there are others who need to be heard. I feel angry to think that the victim must remain silent or give his/her story to be counted as a statistic, like we are adding up stories and if we have enough stories to say there is a problem, then we will do something. I can't always be at church. I don't have time to play church. I want to work for the Lord. I am not looking for anything. I hear those crying out for help. I want to open my heart wide and receive them and I am not concerned about how it makes "us" look. If we are not associated with this, why not openly and whole-heartedly disassociate ourselves? It sounds like we are still trying to find out THE TRUTH. How can one know? The only ones who know the truth are the ones who participated in the offense. Let me tell you, from the moment I became aware of what had truly happened to me, I was told it did not happen, it was a dream. Today I have learned much from this.

I am inclined to go to the victims, for I know the weakness. As a child, I had received an awesome experience when I came to the Lord. I felt all of that was taken away due to the sin that was committed against me. I read about Job. I read about Jesus' crucifixion and I saw God as cruel. I blamed God more than anyone and I did not want to Love Him. I did not believe in Him. I could not conceive of Him as one who was given such an awesome intimate experience only to have it taken away by someone I loved so much. I remember my mother saying; “One day the Lord will make you strong from this weakness.” My, my, my, to see this day has been worth it all. I tried positive thinking, but that only works when I am in physical pain. It took a miracle of love and grace, and no greater victory could I have imagined. I know there is more to come from this.

CHAPTER TWO – A VISION

Toni….

"So that is it, nothing more?”

“I had no idea that God had not given up on me.”

It seems to me I have this vision; I am trying to deliver it and I am so limited. There was a time I thought maybe the limitation was a lack of education. I believe, after analyzing my intelligence, rather than my limited education, I found that lack of education was the only limitation. So I took care of the education leaning on the strength of an IQ of 103. My mother was the authority in our home. She believed women did not need an education. My desire was to go to college. She did everything possible to discourage that. My brother wanted to play football– absolutely not! In the home it was taught to us by my mother that the church believed as she did. In my observation of the church I heard ministers who supported her ideas, but I also heard the ministers who supported mine. I always appreciated the fact that people were allowed their own minds. I felt my oppression was due to decisions my parents were making.

I got married at 17 years old to one of the guys in church. Really, we were forced to marry. It was found out that we had sex before marriage, a marriage that was doomed to fail. We were divorced eight months later. I was out of control. His little church girl was not his dream come true. We were divorced after 8-9 months. I was pregnant. I attempted suicide. I was deathly afraid of going home, but I did not have a clue as to how to deal with the real world. I did not feel I could go to the church for help, and the last place I wanted to go to was home.

I remarried when my first-born child was 6 months old. Anyway, I met a guy through a girl at work. We lived together. I got pregnant. We got married, and three months later I left. He had brought another woman into our room to "you know what." I freaked and went home. The abuse was still very prominent. While working at the hospital I became anorexic and was hospitalized. No therapy, just several hours of IVs. I was very depressed, but I tried to show a lot of life so people around me would not feel the same way. I loved my job. I was continuously battling with how to fit in. I was angry with myself because I couldn't just "be happy." I often reflected on my inner happiness that was shrinking away to what I felt was nothing. True love was a fantasy; therefore, God became more and more a fantasy in my mind. By this time I was 22 years old with 2 baby girls. I went home again. There is a lot of misery to share, but I was really trying to grab a hold of something. Overall, I lived from one failure to another.

In 1979 we went to Des Moines to Lloyd Goodwin's church, but that did not work out. The most irritating thing to me about the church is nothing was clear-cut. The thing that made me vulnerable to Lloyd Goodwin was the fact that he got straight to the point. When my family attended his church he singled me out. He took me in the office and began preaching to me and using scriptures to show me I was called out of my family; that the Lord had delivered me from their rebellion. He was going on a trip and, with authority, he told me he expected me to be there when he got back. He caressed my face with his hand. I was very vulnerable to such forwardness. I needed a hero and he represented that to me. I was determined to stay in Des Moines. I felt I could make it there. A family there was very close to us even before our family came into the church in Houston. We came in just after the Tom Jolly incident. I was very young. Anyway, while we were visiting their home, the father in this family grabbed me and french kissed me as I was coming down the stairs. I was 22 years old at the time. I did not stay because of that.

I decided to work in a gentlemen's club; started out as a waitress; made enough money to finally make it on my own. Then I decided to be a dancer. I eventually moved to Austin, Texas. My motto: Never ask of someone else something you would not ask of yourself. I supported my oldest daughters as a dancer in a gentlemen's club.  I kept this from them for their protection. This occupation allowed me flexibility and the money necessary to provide food shelter and clothing for my children.  I felt equal to this environment. I felt this environment was more honest. I had no expectations of the people I associated with; they expected the worst of me. I was highly respected. In this realm I was considered an example to the other women. How ironic. I danced for six years. It is funny how people see women in this career. My sex life was null. My interest in sex was distant. I didn't want the abuse that came with the relationship. I had taken on a new identity. I became bold and brassy, but I felt very safe. Later I got into drugs, which led to the needle. Now I really began to go downhill fast. My whole life became one crisis after another. When I think back, I am amazed that I survived. Suicide was a constant thought on my mind.

I had become very independent. I took a new lover, he was 18 years old and I was 30 years old. The abuse was very bad. I became pregnant at 30 with his child. It was through my pregnancy that I began to want help. I went to everyone I could. I had no pride. I didn't care what people thought of me (I was a misfit, and I didn't want my unborn child to suffer for it). All of a sudden I became aware of the life I was living. I began looking at my beautiful daughters and my heart would break. They deserved so much more.

I was having a real struggle with kicking the drug addiction. I went to my brother for help, as I see him as the most stable in the family. It really hurt me to tell him that I was a drug addict, much less confess everything else. He took my girls. The idea was so I could pull myself together, but his love for them caused him to want to save them from me. This is where my determination kicked in. It was no longer about me; it was about my kids and my unborn child. I couldn't give up dancing, but I knew I had to in order to turn things around. Dancing allowed me to support my children without depending on a man. I only had to work one or two times a week in order to make the money necessary to provide for them. I had tried other jobs and was successful, such as with big oil companies and IBM, but I could not deal with my time apart from the girls. It became easy for me to justify myself at least to the point that I just knew I had to do what I had to do. I paid my rent three months in advance. As an old-timer at the club, I could come and go, as I pleased, no schedule. I closed myself in my apartment and took on the task of overcoming my drug addiction on my own. I loved my kids, and I was sick of feeling sorry for myself. I was disgusted with the whole thing called life. I had to give my kids something. There are no words to describe the illness I allowed to consume my body in order to be free of drugs. I have no conception of the time frame of how long it took. I stayed in my living room on the couch with no lights on. I only got up to bathe and take a rare occasion for food. I hallucinated; I sweated; I vomited. I did not know if I was going to live or die. I would think about calling someone, but I was too depressed to do so.

A real turning point for me in all this was this hallucination. I have been called an artist. I draw pictures to express myself. There was a large picture of a harlot that I had drawn. She was done in colors from my makeup pallet. I always liked this particular drawing because I had used so much detail in her expression of a casual attitude toward life. I was lying on the couch, with very little energy. I began to look at this picture and talk to it, "...and who the hell are you anyway? Why do I have to be afraid of you? I’m not running anymore, so do to me what you will. I am not afraid to die.” Remember, I was in real bad shape. The picture took on a spirit form and became the fullness of the room. I could feel it coming toward me. I felt the fear and I began to scream, "I don't care if you kill me. I’d rather be dead than to live with this mysterious grief." As it came closer as though it were going to devour me. I felt it just pass. I remember the feeling I felt. I found myself saying, "So that is it, nothing more?” I knew then I would be okay, and I did make it. I've been drug-free ever since. I had no idea that God had not given up on me. I feel the gratitude swell in me that God did not desert me. I have already dealt with the issues of the church’s ideas. Compared to the real life, the place where God truly exists is not so much in the church or its doctrine. He exists in the soul of man. Jesus established the church and those who are willing to submit to the spirit of God will know His mystery. Although I was rebellious, full of fear, unholy in every sense of the imagination, He led me home. He took control of the situation.

My daughter had a girlfriend that she was very close to. The little girlfriend was from a Christian family. I decided it would be good if the mother could baby-sit my daughters while I worked. Once the mother became aware of my occupation, the relationship between our daughters was ended with no explanation to my daughter. She was very hurt. This really hit home with me. I decided then I would take on a different occupation. This is after 6 years of doing this for a living. I received a phone call from the welfare office about a week later. A woman was my caseworker and with her help I was able to take a new direction. This was only the beginning and I often thought while I was going through all this that this should be my church helping me.  But I really didn't have time to worry over all that.  Even after overcoming the drugs; which I spoke of earlier, I would still have flashbacks. I could feel the rush of the drug and then the "down" of not having the drug. By now I had moved into an apartment in Houston and had a job with a chiropractor.

Basically, this brought me into a meeting with the two counselors who had been working with me. They took me into a room to pray with me. I denied any thought that came into my head. I was encouraged in the spirit to come before the "Throne of God Boldly.” I pressed forward through all my fears. The Lord revealed to me the sins I had committed due to my anger and hurt. I felt true conviction and repented with a true heart. I was totally forgiven and felt life fill my being. I was so thankful that I stood as a proxy for my father and I prayed that God would forgive him for all the pain I had suffered under his control. I knew that he was forgiven. I know the forgiveness is there for my father. All he has to do is accept it. I do not need his confession. However he may need to confess, as the spirit of God becomes his reality. I will be ready. If he never confesses my heart will be sad for him because of his loss. So I continue to pray for my father and my mother and my family and myself. Even through all this there is still a lot of changes being made. God is not done yet. But He is definitely the ONE to trust.

I have become very sensitive to any message over the pulpit. I am trying to hear what my parents heard. I am different than my parents. I have my share of problems; but I cope totally different than they did. I also know the reason why. Because of what I went through as a child; I trust no one with my life. My life includes all that I love including my children, my church and myself. So you can see how much I need the closeness of Jesus in my life. I am even grateful to have such a need. He makes me feel perfect, wanting nothing.

The church took me in about six years ago. They paid for my apartment. I had 5 children and myself. I had two children, 16 and 17 years old. These kids had been through hell with me. Their fathers abandoned both of them. They were acting out. I was going to church 4 nights a week. I went to one of the ministers about it because I wanted help. I thought there would be counseling. I was told to put them out. I had no choice. Before I mustered up the courage to do this I prayed for them. I began cleaning my house and I was resenting the girls for not working with me. I was grumbling and praying. My 16 year old had a baby; my grandson was 3 years old. As I got to their bedroom, I felt the angels from heaven surrounding me. I heard the sweetness of the Lord say to me "Do Not Exclude, Include." As I approached an area of the room where my older daughter had her things, the Lord stopped me and showed me that He had created an empty place for Himself in my daughter. I was so blessed. I still had to kick them out to keep my residence but they were gone only a few days and I snuck them back in. I felt like a rebellious teenager all over again.

While living in this apartment I decided; through the advice of one of the counselors at the welfare office, to open up and tell my girls what I was going through. Their hearts were broken. It has taken years of love, mercy and forgiveness to bring the healing between my children and myself. To come back to the church after fighting this battle and overcoming so much and to hear them say: “WE KNEW NOTHING,” is heart wrenching. I have already done the groundwork for myself. The message I have is what God has written on the tables of my heart. I know it is difficult to humble yourself before a group of people and say, we did the wrong thing, please forgive us, and then you cannot expect them to forgive you. Then you pray that God will bring the understanding of Himself into the congregation and the church will experience what my family has experienced. The bitterness I have is more at myself for not going on what I knew God had given me.

I married a few months later. To a man I barely knew. I wanted out of the obligation with the church. I don't want to make that same mistake again. Serving God is everything to me. I believe the church is in just as much sin as the people in the topless bar. Even though that is not my lifestyle today, I am no better than them. I am a sinner who loves Jesus. If there be any good in me; it is Him. There is nothing I could ever do to prove Him. He is proof of Himself by the Father.

If our Lord left his safe haven to bring us to His fullness, that His Father's will would be done in the Earth, why do we think it a sin to leave the place within ourselves that we claim as a safe haven and take on the suffering of the sinners amongst ourselves, including ourselves? What am I not seeing? What a joy to praise the almighty God for who He IS, rather than who we hope He IS? In my eyes, that is perfection. That is the place that we are called to be in Him. As we take on His reality, rather than our own, we have answered His call. Mortal man cannot reveal the story of the Savior I adore by admitting our sin. Exposing it completely and honestly does not deny anything but the flesh and empties out the death in our hearts that we may receive Him completely. If we empty half we receive half, resisting the fullness, whether through our innocence or deliberately. Today we can praise the almighty God for this opportunity to empty ourselves completely, fully trusting in Him. We are being asked to take on the shame of the sin whether it is by omission or submission. This is why my soul is leaping, for my soul can feel the nearness of Jesus. My soul has become aware, setting me back in my carnal thinking, bringing me into judgment that I may die in Christ. The nearness of Jesus can heal the leper or make the blind to see. My soul knows, for it is my soul that has partaken of the Tree of Life.

Nothing has changed in God; He is still almighty. Pray for deliverance. I pray that we do not contribute to the destruction, for if we do, we are among the child molesters. This is not the desire of our hearts. The Lord will have His perfect work. I pray that we answer the calling that God has placed in our lives to give this Hope to the weak and defenseless. Any other hope is false hope. I believe in a God who is mighty and great. I believe in the works that He has done. I have felt the power of His Holy Spirit, and I believe, yes I believe in God's dear Son. Thank you Jesus. I thank you Jesus. I thank you Lord, for you have brought us from a mighty, mighty long way.

All I know is each time I do this emptying out I feel deliverance. I can feel His glory all around me. Whoever I am is not important; He made me worthy of love acceptance. This is too much for me to take lightly. To be a servant puts us in a place of always feeling gratitude. Oh, my precious heavenly Father, I feel absolute gratitude to you.

CHAPTER THREE – CROSSROADS

“We are going to have to feel the sorrow to rejoice in the victory.”

“I did not commit this crime. I am not guilty.”

I got to the place where I was ready to face it all at the age of 30. I made a great recovery; everything had been rocking along; then I came across the website by accident, which woke it all up. I came on the site to just share my story.

I have been given a better perspective of where I am on my journey. I have been here before many times at a crossroad. I expect to be at some other crossroads as I go forward. I am not feeling real solid just yet, so I welcome any thoughts. I have dealt with my family: mom, dad, brother and sisters. I have learned to set my limits. I have faced my father. I have taken so much ridicule: I’ve been called a “trouble maker,” and told to “just let it lie, let the dead bury the dead; you just need to get some shock treatments.” I left them for 8 years and moved to Austin (that is a story in itself). All that time I was experiencing things such as: driving down the road and not knowing who I was, or where I was. I did not have a clue that I was experiencing anything associated with my childhood abuse. So many other experiences were leaving me feeling as though I was not in control. I was afraid to seek help. First of all I didn't know where to go. I was afraid for myself. It got worse as time went on; one thing led to another. I thought if I could just get away from them, the church, everything that had anything to do with my confusion.

I just gave a name to this crossroad. I am crossing over from courage to bravery. Thank you; Lord, for this opportunity to make this change. It is the fear of the unknown. I have gained courage through the previous changes in my life and now I have an opportunity to know bravery. If it is not for a greater purpose than for myself, then I can't see a need to tell of it. What is that still small voice inside that I hear telling me that if thou shall confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe with thy heart that thou has raised him from the dead, thou shall be saved? I believe that I was dead and with the little faith that I had I believed through it all that if I were to live again, the only one that could make it possible was the Lord. I did not even realize that was faith. To me that is just a fact. Just like I don't understand the concept of gravity, but it is what keeps me on the ground. Even if I don't believe it, it’s true. Even though I believed, I did not have faith because I could not trust those who delivered the message. Now, I am beginning to see that I am to put my faith in the message, not the messenger. Sounds simple. Well, I am overwhelmed by the simplicity of it.

I am just now aware of the anger I really had against the church. I am amazed at the steps they are taking to bring it all to light. In the midst of all the good that is happening, the other stuff is still there. I do not support Gospel Assembly but I do support the changes I see. I just don't want to get so caught up in the hope of recovery of my spiritual family that I lose sight of my own victory. All of a sudden my focus is on the victory rather than the journey I am on. Am I making sense? I am 43 years old; I am married going on 7 years. I long to feel close to this man who has taken on 4 children, my 3 grandchildren, and me. I long for a place where I can serve God. I have sought many religious groups.

I have very deep problems with intimacy. It has never been about me. Somehow, my internal problems stem from my childhood. This is my first time to deal with the church side of it. All I have is the awesome grace of God, and I just need a place to share that. That is the best I have to offer. It is ALL I have to offer. I have felt so much joy as I give God the praise over this website. I am so amazed to know that all that stuff is living inside of me; all of a sudden I feel like more than just a survivor. I feel like a Vietnam War veteran. I survived (with missing body parts, but I am here). I learned to appreciate my life, my being a mother. My hands became very useful, but as far as trusting anyone for me as one adult to another, I have been incapable. I trust in the Lord. This is not about religion to me. Every time I "get away with sharing my thoughts" I feel myself growing another feather on my wings. I am not breakable, but I am extremely sensitive.

I am told that the reason I cannot be received is because my body language brings all the attention on myself. My God......My God. If they could see me as Jesus saw Mary Magdalene, what a joy to all, to be able to love as Christ loved the church.

One of the curses of the old regime such as; to deny who you are as a human being was to bring us in contact with who we are spiritually. I pray the ministers take a closer look at how this is thinking of the carnal mind, which offers no spiritual growth. I felt the curse of being born female, rather than the blessing. I still struggle with that, but in different ways. Hopefully, I am finally confronting the real issues and can come to a complete healing and share my victory with others. It is the spirit that heals the body. The body cannot heal the spirit. I could go on and on about the effects this kind of thinking had on the girls, who are now women, battling with their own sexuality. Some men don't seem to realize they were taking in the lust by viewing their sisters in such a carnal way. It is scary to think of the suffering their daughters experienced. No wonder the church was not protected from the sexual abuse, we were breeding it. I pray for complete deliverance; today is a day for deliverance.

I can also remember a time as a young girl beating myself in the chest. I did not want to develop into a woman. I remember in my 20's I decided I would become so thin that I would be flat chested. Yes, I am glad that I made it. I surely could not have done it without faith in God. He is the only one who could know of the suffering. No one else could or should have to take on such pain. I love my Lord. He has given me more than I could have even imagined. I am looking forward to the day that we can see one another through His eyes. I will be known purely by my love for the Lord. I am looking for the day I live beyond the phenomenal creature that I am. All this is for His purpose. He could have delivered me at any time He chose. Now sin has been my schoolmaster. Thank you Lord.

I appreciate this poem. When I read it I can feel my self-acceptance as a woman in this carnal body.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies,

I'm not cute or built to fit a fashion models size;

but when I start to tell them, they think I’m telling lies.

I say it's in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips,

the stride of my step, the curl of my lips.

I’m a woman. Phenomenally phenomenal woman, that’s me.

I walk into a room, just a cool as you please,

and to a man the fellows stand or fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me, a hive of honeybees.

I say it’s in the fire in my eyes and the flash of my teeth,

the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet.

I’m a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me.

Men themselves have wondered what they see in me.

They try so hard, but they can't touch my inner mystery.

When I try to show them, they say they still can't see.

I say it’s in the arch of my back,

the sun of my smile, the grace of my style.

I’m a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me.

Now you understand just why my head's not bowed,

I don't shout or jump about or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing, it ought to make you proud.

I say it's in the click of my heels, the bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand, the need for my care, 'cause

I'm a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me.”

If I have gained anything through it all, I have gained more trust in my relationship with God. I no longer feel the need for an intimate relationship with man; yet, through the intimate relationship with God, I am intimately related to man, whether they are of God or not. I am sheltered in the arms of God. My husband tells me I am obsessed with Christianity. All I can say is: something has happened to Debi. My biggest challenge is to believe it, question it, because if the Bible is the wor