JOURNEY TO A DREAM

BY: DEBI DOWLING

FORWARD

“So now I’m giving back to him all the praise he is worthy of.

I’ve been forgiven and that's why I love him sooo much.”

My name is Debra Lynn Dacus (Dowling, now that I am married), and I just want to lift my hands and praise almighty God for the power to overcome sin through the baptism of the Holy Ghost. Thank you, Lord, for letting me see that it is He that hath made us and not we ourselves; thank you, Lord, for being the Lord of my life, you are truly my strength, you are my guide, there is no one else above you. I pray, Lord, for those who seek this understanding of you. I thank you, Lord, for the mercy you have shown us all. I bow before you with a broken heart, empty of all the wickedness that would surely destroy me, taking from me the joy with which you have blessed me. I am yours, Lord, and yours alone. May each person that I come in contact with know of your blessing; Lord, teach me to speak for you. Thank you for the power to overcome! In Jesus’ name bless those on this web site who see your will and have learned through much suffering your true intentions for mankind.

My testimony has suddenly become very essential. My desire is to give comfort to the victims and even provoke the perpetrators to come forward. I would like to offer a place for the victims to speak out, but first it has to be me. My intention is not to hurt, but to provide an opportunity to heal. I feel a responsibility to these people even now. I occasionally go to the services held in my area. My desire is to bring all this to light. There is so much to tell that I don't really know how to start. I feel the opportunity these web sites gives is for each of us to finally receive the truth. Our life with Christ is truly personal. We have all we need in him. Even as a child I refused to trust any man. When it came to judging myself - that is a story in itself. I do believe there are some who have risen above the evil, but are afraid to uncover it. My testimony not only uncovers the church, but my family as well, as my father became a minister. I may need to tell my testimony in parts. I believe each part will help someone else as it has helped me. In reading others’ testimonies, to know that what they experienced was real and we can be healed. For the first time, we are able to know for ourselves who Jesus is. Thank you for this opportunity.

As I sit here sobbing, the pain inflicted on these innocent people overwhelms my heart. I too was a victim. I grew up in Gospel Assembly Church, but Lloyd Goodwin was not favored from our congregation. However, I feel because he was never dealt with, his venom poisoned many children of God. I would like to post my testimony here. I’m not sure how to go about doing so. I can't believe this website is available. The whole thing terrifies me. I am beginning to see how fear is in total contrast to believing in the power that Jesus' resurrection brought to us, fear that something we do or say will keep one of God's children from making the bride, or living an overcoming life.

I read Wanda’s story. It was as though I was reading a story about my own life, aside from the part where Lloyd Goodwin threatened her life. In 1994, I was diagnosed with Post -Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The doctor told me it is the same thing that some Vietnam Veterans have to experience for the rest of their lives, as Wanda’s husband, Robert has described. I must tell you, I find all this so frightening. I am beginning to realize what it is I am walking into. I also can see the divine mercy of our Father. We are blessed. We are free... free at last! We finally are able to have a true, undefiled relationship with our Lord and savior. My heart does rejoice for the victory. I will continue my attempt. If the Lord can get us this far, I'm sure He will take us all the way.

I am trying to face what is happening to me. I am so focused on the new thinking and because it came upon me so suddenly, I am putting it out here to be judged and questioned. I read my own words and find myself breaking down and crying each time. I feel myself believing for the first time that I belong. I don't believe I could ever prove what only I have witnessed. It is funny when a person experiences something really awful, like a car wreck or some other awesome tragedy, they want to tell it over and over and over and how they came through it, and often it starts a chain reaction. Others tell their experiences and you watch how everyone is affected. I am beginning to see that when you begin to speak of emotional or psychological victories, you also have to share the tragedy that brought you to the victory. People are affected and they try to put themselves into that situation and as the storyteller tells his/her story he/she learns to give it in such a way that the listener does feel it, like a preacher.

I question everything, and foremost, I question myself. If I know what keeps others from being honest then I know what keeps me from being honest. My desire is for honesty. I don't want to hide behind lies. I don't want to get so hyped up that I hurt someone else. I just want to serve the Lord with everything I have. I want to be a part of the solution. Thank you guys for listening to me. I am listening to you, all of you. I love relationships, even if they get sticky. I never want to walk away from someone that is reaching out. I believe it takes me getting to know myself before I have anything real to give to someone else. To me this is the teaching of the Gospel Assembly Church in Houston where I grew up.

“What goes up must come down.” Something was overlooked and now it is being taking care of. Hey, that is a part of my healing. I was one of those who were overlooked. I am pretty much beside myself right now. I need to be in a glass house. I need to be in the open. A lot is at stake, a lot of lives and this is what I mean by saying that I will die for this because putting myself out front like this is killing me. "It hasn't been easy but it has been worth it. I still feel the intimidation that I felt as a child, only now I can know if the intimidation is something I really need to fear.

How far have I come? I thought there was no more and I was not asking for any more. I was content and my life has been unbelievably changed. My husband spoils me rotten. He is awesomely good to me. I can't take on a job for too long because I have Post Trauma Stress Syndrome. I hate it, but I am able to cope because I can slow down long enough to take a breath because of my husband. I want to be someone he can depend on and rely on. I am really feeling all this stuff. I feel it personally. I am coming into this with my head back, exposing my jugular vein to Gospel Assembly, trusting, believing; and if they are who they say they are, and if I am who I say I am, then all will be restored. The worst that could happen is I will learn the truths such as, “Are the teachings still true?” Even if we come short of living up to the teachings, and if Gospel Assembly is to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ, they too will have to bow before the Father so they can be given the desires of their hearts. Whatever judgments I have, I bring to the cross for He knows it all. Jesus knows if I lie. The only truth is the gospel. We are all going to have to suffer to receive the understanding. To God is the Glory. He created us to do this and the mystery of Christ lives in us. I heard this song today; it really blessed me. I thought it would be appropriate here. This comes from the CD

“Alabaster Box” by CeCe Winans.

(vs 1)

The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus;

she stumbles through the tears that made her blind.

She felt such pain; some spoke in anger,

heard folks whisper, there's no place here for her kind.

Still on she came through the shame that flushed her face,

till at last she knelt before his feet

and though she spoke no words,

everything she said was heard as she poured her love

for the master from her box of alabaster.

(Chorus)

And I’ve come to pour my praise on him

like oil from Mary’s alabaster box;

don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

and I dry them with my hair.

You weren't there the night he found me;

you did not feel what I felt when

he wrapped his love around me;

and you don't know the cost

of the oil in my alabaster box.

(vs 2)

I can't forget the way life used to be;

I was a prisoner to the sin that bound me;

and I spent my days, poured my life without measure

into a little treasure box I thought I found;

until the day when Jesus came to me and

healed my soul with the wonder of his touch.

So now I’m giving back to him all the praise he is worthy of.

I’ve been forgiven and that's why I love him sooo much.

I have a desire to worship with these people. Even to this day, they are my family, just as I seek peace with my natural family. Both families are guilty of the gross accounts described by testimonies on this web site I feel the sorrow. I also know the deliverance. The one thing that could not be taken from me was my personal relationship with God, with my savior Jesus Christ. His name is wonderful. Through it all, He has become more real to me than ever before. I told Bro. Gary Wright that every time I hear that he is looking for a miracle, I want to raise my hand. I am a miracle. I have had a real struggle with my disconnection from the church. Although I would seek for peace, I could not find it. I feel that the Lord has really worked a great work in my life.

Please understand that I am really trying to get to the root of all this. I think it is dangerous to think about this stuff without an outlet. I choose this outlet because I believe we are all searching for a solution that will heal the soul. I feel that the purpose of this web site is to confront something that has been hidden for a long time. I feel it is very difficult to discuss it. I feel there are people out there holding their breath, hoping for some kind of a magic happening. I feel there are some that believe nothing will change. I am concerned that the damn holding back the rivers of life is made up of fear and disbelief, so I am sharing my story in a more intimate way. As I do, I feel the resistance. This resistance is not new to me. I feel that people don't want the details. I feel that if we don't open up and expose this evil, we are putting ourselves in danger of becoming a part of the damn holding back the waters of life. The damn will be destroyed. It is only by the grace of God it has stood this long. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Whether you are a victim of worshiping a man as your God, or of incest, or of adultery, or of whatever; or if you are a perpetrator, there is forgiveness. If you are with a group of people that will not forgive, do not stop searching until you find the support you need. The Holy Ghost will lead you and direct you. Don't be afraid to trust Him.

I have made a lot of mistakes; I have sinned; He has forgiven. He is a God of peace and good will. I pray that I have not hurt anyone. I pray that the Lord will have His way in our lives. God knows that we cannot judge this righteously and Satan knows it, too. Lord, bring us to the fullness of you. We need you! Our ministers need a special touch. I pray, Lord, you will lift their hearts; make them strong and courageous in your spirit, that all may glorify you. Jesus, I love you sooo much. Thank you for giving me a new life, one without wickedness, one of pure love. What a beautiful way to live! Without you, Lord, it is simply not possible. You are truly a mystery. Thank you; Lord, for making me a part of your mystery. Let each one of us claim the victory over sin and death. Let each of us become wise in the things of God and simple to sin. There is no power in sin. NONE. ZERO. NADA.

Something wonderful has happened to me. My faith has become my belief. It happened right here in my house. If we are to be led by the spirit, I stand on that. My voice will be heard, for there is neither male nor female in the Spirit. This is my testimony: the raising up of the weak in the name of Jesus, who have suffered the cause and have died in Christ and now live in Christ. I’m not the only one. Call me crazy– I’ve been called worse! If I am wrong, so be it! All I know is that something very wonderful and powerful has happened to me.

That is the amazing thing about all that is happening right now. I really prayed about this, am in prayer everyday. I cry myself to sleep over this. My family is talking about it; some of them have never been able to talk about it before. I did not expect to have the strength or courage to do what I am doing now; I am sincere when I say a miracle has taken place in my life, and I am sincere when I say that there is a church here on this earth that was not built by man. As of today, I know who Jesus really is and what He is capable of. If I be judged by anything, I pray to be judged the words that come out of my mouth. Although I do not put my trust in Brother Brown I respect him and he is equal to me, as I am equal to him, and we are both servants of Christ.

I am not here to serve man. Because of this great miracle, I feel I finally have something to give that is real. Some may hear it and some may not. I just know that when I told the truth about the things that happened to me, no one listened to that either. I am truly set free! I know that the kingdom of God is in me. I have sought it out diligently. I only am telling what God has revealed unto me. My salvation does not have anything to do with Gospel Assembly or any other group that builds them selves up as a religion. Jesus founded the church a long time ago. I just know that I am a part of that church by the grace of our Lord. I speak for that church that is unseen by man, and I know there are more. People over the web site need to hear this. Whether they believe or not is their choice, as it is mine. I believe there is something to this that is bigger than I am. I am willing to die for what God has done for me, and I want people to know. If you can know it for yourself, you can know it for others. I am not trying to make anyone look good or to cover anything up. I love you. Please pray for me and I will pray for you. This is my testimony.

I find it to be encouragement as I reach for my dreams. I thank the Lord for the strength He has placed in my life to confront the issues that are upon us. My husband had been telling me to go get my nails done, go to the tanning booth and have a few glasses of wine. I told him, "Honey, thank you, I'll get to all that later. "I can't stop no matter how much it hurts. It is not about me alone. I told him I was trying to understand my "zealousness", my obsession, and my drive. Am I just torturing myself? Then it came to me. It is like being in a serious accident and losing my leg. First there is anger, and then you have to come to accepting the loss. That is where I was before I found this web site. I had come to accept it. I was at peace with God. I was restored in Him but He came to give us life and that more abundantly. All of a sudden I have learned of a miracle that has been offered that would allow full restoration of the missing part of the body. Of course my heart will skip a beat. Of course I will jump forward. I need this miracle. I have waited so long.

I know that God loves us, and I am not afraid to express my fears, for I believe He will touch the hearts of those who read my words and God knows my prayer is for all of us to give Him our religion, our families, and accept the changes He is making for our salvation. The Lord let me know about six months ago that I will learn to hate what He hates and love what He loves. This was before I had made this commitment to serve Him and seek Him in all things. God knows the struggles within me. I am judged as a backslider; rebellious; and will never change. Those who judge me in this way are looking for me to conform and to give the appearance of one of them according to the eyes of man. That is so sad, because God has done an awesome work in my life. I have nothing in my carnal life to give any credibility to support who I am in Christ. I have done nothing to achieve His grace. He loves me. He knows me.

I have received messages of hurt saints, some of whom have not attended Gospel Assembly in years, due to hurt. These people seem to have a desire to forgive. Before I came to this web site, I could not have offered any more than my testimony of faith, which eventually brought me to the cross as I had mentioned before. I have longed to give my testimony of the healing to my family for years, and felt I could not because I did not want to offend the innocent or bring humiliation to the guilty unless it would be unto repentance, that their soul be saved. Jesus brought down the strongholds, leaving us without an excuse to serve Him. At the cross is where it begins. Through this awesome gift, today I can see through the eyes of Jesus rather than through the eyes of Judas, for through Judas' eyes we can only see the sin. Through the eyes of Jesus we see the cross and through the spirit of God, the Holy Ghost, we are able to die in Christ as He has died and resurrected overcoming death and the grave. I believe in miracles for I truly believe in Jesus. If not for Him we suffer for nothing. Our peace is in Him. Gospel Assembly is to be a church, not a religion. As Jesus was betrayed so shall we be betrayed. It was the kiss of Judas that brought the body of Christ to the cross. I have to make it to the cross for Christ did not die for nothing.

These things are true, not because I say so or Billy Brown, Clyde Patton, Tom Jolly or William Sowders. The witness is in the blue in the sky, the green of the grass, the hairs on our heads, the sacrifice of Jesus and the fact that I live. We ask you Lord in faith and believing that you extend you arms of mercy to all those who have suffered, and Lord we receive your blessings with open hearts and open minds. Thank you Lord for giving us a free will. Thank you Lord for the baptism of the Holy Ghost, the baptism of water and the baptism of fire, leaving us wanting nothing, content, and preserved by your grace. Let this be my testimony and my hope for all who have suffered unjustly just as I have. I lift up the body of Christ as you Lord have lifted me. Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth, Peace and Good Will toward Men.

CHAPTER ONE – CHILDHOOD

When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

I remember the deliverance that fell upon the church at the time my family came into the church. The church had just split from Jolly. My experience at the time I received the Holy Ghost was miraculous. I received the Holy Ghost at eight years old. It was an awesome experience. I remember how close I felt to Him; I was safe from evil. I always wondered why didn't I receive it like everyone else? You know you go to church, receive the Holy Ghost, come home, everyone is excited and that's about it. Oh, not me. I had no Christian upbringing. When I received the Holy Ghost. I was under it for 4 to 6 hours. Visions like a picture show. I was astonished as I came to. (I know this sounds sci-fi.) I began telling my mom, "They were eating raw fish!” I could smell the sand; feel the wet of it under my feet. I could feel Paul's personality. It was like I knew these people intimately it was that experience that held me to the truth. It was great to tell of all I had seen.

I also received a lot of special attention that later became a burden. I was thought of as having some special gift that gave me a direct connection with God. I remember the burden getting so heavy that I told my mom it was a devil; that I was not so special. But, the visions did not stop. The blessings I received were so deep. I saw myself walking on this cloud, holding hands with Jesus. My feet got cold, so He picked me up and held me, then explained why my feet were cold. I was walking over the state of California, and they were experiencing an unusual amount of snow. My parents’ read of such an occurrence in the newspaper weeks later.

Still, I did not want the oppression of this kind of attention. There was also a vision or whatever one is more comfortable calling it, where this angel who introduced himself as Gabriel caught me up. We soared across this body of water; I saw a statue in the middle of the water, holding up one arm as if it were a sign of victory. The angel told me that when we passed this way again the image would not be there. And, sure enough, when the angel and I traveled back, this time in a speed that would allow observation, I saw that the image had been destroyed. All of theses visions were given in my childhood.

People who do not lean on the power of the Holy Ghost have visions, just like in the Bible. I think of how the Old Testament astrologers brought understanding to the kings. They were depended on. Daniel received great understanding through the form of visions. So many times we look to signs and wonders to prove to us that God is real. I know I have been guilty of this. Often we overlook the miracles right in front of us. I often thought that the scripture in the Bible that warns us of looking for signs and wonders, if it has something to do with this.

God spoke through a burning bush. He proved Himself with the ordeal with the snakes, the parting of the Red Sea. Throughout the Bible the stories are told of how God has revealed Himself. I think of Jesus as He was performing miracles. He asked. Why do you believe? Is it because of the miracles? Blessed are they that believe and cannot see.” (I feel the witness to this as I think of my own salvation). Overall, the way I see it, is we cannot prove God. We must let him prove Himself through our testimony. I am trying to answer to that calling. Though the request is so simple, the task is so great. I am seeing this as I empty myself out on this web site. It makes me humble; and my compassion for those who are seeking the will of God is enhanced. That in its self is proof to me of the existence of God. This compassion is truly of Him. For I have lived my life in anger. Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth, PEACE. My, my! What an awesome Father, a miracle worker, a beautiful mystery.

Outside of the intimate relation that I had with the Lord, were the other issues of abuse that were ongoing. When the BIG EVENT came down on my head around 10-11 years old, I began to change. I grew more and more angry and frustrated; I felt trapped. The Lord continued to bless me through deep blessings and visions, but I still dealt with the torture in my mind.

My life at home was very scary. My Mom was obsessed with the church. I can remember the beatings, as she would pray over us, casting out demons in the name of Jesus. I grew up thinking I was possessed. I never really learned to take responsibility for my own actions. I had very little grasp of what being a human being was all about. We were raised not to participate in worldly activities or communicate with the world. I lived behind the church. I went to the church school. I remember a time (I was in the first grade and my brother was in the second grade) when my mother could not find her keys to take us to school. She knew one of us kids had hidden them (my brother or myself). My family still talks about this; they all believe I am either devil possessed or blessed of God to endure this incident in the manner that I did. My mother told me she was going to take me in the bathroom and strip me of my clothes; she would begin at my ankles and by the time she got around my neck I would tell her the truth. She did as she had promised. I cried, but she would not stop beating me. I lay across the toilet and gave her my body to do whatever she wished. I dissociated myself from the blows of the belt, which made her angrier.

My brother was so scared for me. That it just the way things were and I had no choice. When the ministry stands up and says, “Honor your father and your mother,” for those that are not in abusive families, this is easily learned. As a child, I believed this was the way it was; I believed all this was for my perfection; I believed it was God's will to take this discipline; my soul was the issue. Well I was half right, I have learned that there is a discipline of Love and my soul is the issue. We listened to church teachings at home. I remember having one of my girlfriends over between services. We were listening to a country and western station on the radio. We had the volume down so low; we had to put our ear up against the radio to hear the music. My mother came in the door. She was angry. She took me in her room and began whipping me with a belt. I remember crying, feeling pity for myself. She continued beating me as she tried casting out evil spirits. I was so weak; when I went to stand up, I fell to the floor. She began beating me again. I can't believe I survived all the beatings. Throughout my life at home, I was marked as a rebellious child. I was continually running away. Then, there was my father. He molested me over and over. I’m not sure how important the details are. There were some incidents I will not mention. He really crossed the line. No one ever believed me.

I will start when my little sister was born. I was 10 years old. I took care of her, changed her diapers and all the mommy stuff. My mother had gone to a ladies’ prayer meeting, and my dad was home with us. My sister's baby bed was in the room my parents slept in, and I was actually in the baby bed with my sister, caring for her. My dad was in his bed and I heard and saw things that I should not have been subjected to. I told mom when she got home and she said he was doing that in his sleep. We moved into a house close to the church on Airline. I had a bed-wetting problem and my father would wake me up and put me in my bed. One night, he ran his tongue in my mouth. I told my mom. Another time, I was in the living room and my father paraded himself in front of me naked. I remember many times my mother would send me out of the room for no apparent reason and I would cry because I never knew what I had done wrong.

My mother got a job at a hamburger place, and my brother, two sisters, and I were home with my dad. He said he had a headache and asked me to lie at the end of the bed to answer the phone if it rang. I still cannot tell of the things that happened because I was so scared. He was making noises and I could feel his fat smothering my face. The phone rang and he answered it. I was pinned down under him and he hung up the phone and began saying, “Praise the Lord,” “Hallelujah,” and “Thank you Lord.” I don’t know how long this went on but I do remember the phone ringing three different times. I don't even remember how I got out of the room because the next thing I remember is that I was standing in my front yard. I was so scared and confused. I ran from him. The safest place I could think of was the church. I began running and my brother chased me down. When I told him what happened, he pushed me into the nearby ditch and ran to get my father. They caught me. When my dad approached me, he held my hand, so gentle and loving and said, “Honey what is wrong? You had a bad dream.” My father to this day does not admit any of this.

I had to sit in a room and wait for my mother to get home. I knew my dad was in big trouble when she got home. Well, dad was not in big trouble. All this went before the ministry, including Brother Clyde Patton, Brother Billy Brown and Brother George Wright, (Gary's dad). They suggested that I be moved into my grandmother's house. On the night of the big event, my father kept telling me it was all a dream.

I was taken down to what was called the "Little Red Barn." My mother, through the advice of the ministry, helped the men in casting out and naming the spirits that possessed me, such as the “spirit of lust.” She believed we had spirits that seduced each other. I remember wanting deliverance so bad. I wanted to be "a perfect overcomer." I wanted to be loved.

At one point, my mother did kick my father out of the house. She had a dream that she felt was an answer to prayer. She kicked my dad out. After my mom kicked dad out, Bro. Clyde Patton said she had done the right thing. He later came back to tell her she needed my father for financial support. In an effort to be obedient to the ministry, she let him come back and he continued to molest me. Not only was he asked to move back, sometime later, he was made pastor of the Willis church. The church was later taken from him because he was not financially responsible. Bro. Patton confronted him in front of everyone. This is what separated my dad from the church. Eventually, my parents divorced. My mother today says the divorce was because of what he did to me. My father was exposed when I was around 10. They divorced when I was in my 20's. No one did anything. I have come back. I look at Bro. Billy Brown; he counseled us throughout the whole event. I never really had much to say to him. I wonder why no one comes up to me now, no one to this day. Maybe we just learn to forgive. I do not go to church there to find comfort for myself. I seek to find the courage to let my life be a testimony for all the survivors.

At the age of twelve, I began to dream of what it would be like to be free. My mind was set on getting away from my home. I loved them all, but I just couldn't take anymore. I became a very rebellious youth. The dreams I had upon receiving the Holy Ghost stayed with me, like falling in love for the first time. It created an absolute bond. This was the one thing that haunted me throughout my life. I would tell only my closest friends. I always questioned it, the dream about California bad weather. I still don't understand the importance of it except that it takes away doubt when I am told, even when I am telling myself, God does not care or He is not paying attention.

I want to thank the Lord for all He has shown me through my afflictions. The joy in my soul has made the journey a blessing rather than a curse. Something for me that keeps coming to mind is that, as the Lord has been dealing with me through the years I am brought back to a memory. When I was young, much younger, early teens maybe, I had this amazing enlightening dream. I remember the emotions I felt in this dream. I knew that we had made it. I saw many of the sisters in the church. Now in this dream the emotion was one of joy, yet, the women in the church were not dressed as they dress now. They were hidden away in something similar to a war vault. They were very oppressed. Their names had been changed. I remember trying to get the point across in this dream. As my story was told, I had many of the saints ask me if they were specifically in the dream. I remember the burden I felt on me, as I watched each one with hope in their eyes. The true meaning of that vision was displaced, as I was too young to deliver it appropriately. I’m not sure I was even a teen at the time.

The dream of the women in oppression: I believe that is about what is going on now. I believe the women have been oppressed, but God has always had His hand in it, for His glory not man's. These women are already a part of the victory. Their sins will be pardoned, and this will release the sins that put them into oppression. All will know the true meaning of the power of forgiveness (this is my feeling); I believe this with all my heart. This blesses me. I believe it so much. I no longer fear the past. I rejoice in the future. I rejoice in my present, for I know if He brought me this far, He will do the rest. This is the dream I had, and I see it. Not only do I see it, I am a part of it, else I would have never had the kind of faith necessary to believe in what I now know. These dreams are a confirmation to me of the power of God. I am so blessed, amazed, and humbled by Him. Oh! My goodness. I wondered about the significance of this information, the vision of the women in oppression, yet rejoicing of their victory, so thankful they had "made it.” The dream where the angel showed me the statue had been destroyed: I knew the meaning of that dream upon receiving it. At the time, I could not imagine a life outside the church, so the dream left an uncomfortable feeling, certainly not one you go around shouting about.

I believe that dream is also about now. I still cannot give the interpretation of it because of the possibility that someone could be offended; someone who is so close to a victory for themselves that administering this information could cause them to lose hope. Some people serve God to find security, because they have not learned what it is, they have in God. He is your insecurity as well as your security.

My connection with the Houston church is through my spiritual birth, as is my connection to my natural family. After my marriage to my present husband, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to come to peace with my spiritual family. I would reason with that desire constantly. I really didn't have any animosity, I felt humiliation and terror every time I was around the familiar atmosphere. I remember one day driving into the parking lot of the church on Airline and crying out loud, “Please, I just want to come home.” I sat in the parking lot and went through the fear, allowing myself to be ripped apart inside, still praying, “Please Lord take this desire away!” I wanted so desperately to be whole again.

A year later, I went to the house where this had happened. This time I took a friend. I pulled off the side of the road and began vomiting. I hated how this had such a strong hold on me. This was one in a million times I had tried to go down that street. This time I made it. I thought to myself, “If this never happened to me, why am I so tormented?” “If I was so delusional, why didn't anyone seek help for me?” I remembered my father standing in the hallway and my mother looking at me, saying, “Now I want you to look your father in the eye and tell him what he did to you.” I was standing at the kitchen cabinets. I began to tell him. He laughed at me and asked me why I hated him so much and did I want him and my mother to get a divorce that bad? I began beating my head against the kitchen cabinets.

This all came back to me as I sat in front of the house where it happened. Or as it has always been said; “where it never happened.” It breaks me completely to think that anyone is going through this. I am afraid they may be overlooked. I am slowing down to grasp the feeling that was portrayed through my mother’s eyes: body language. I always wanted to understand the type of thinking of a person who commits acts of incest or tortures their children. How can they have any concept of love? She has described her view of the relationship of my father and myself. It was as though she were trying to show me how even in my innocence I was guilty. That I was born with the sin of Adam, and my father was the one who was weak. As she has tried to explain these things to me, I began to understand the beating I received from my mother (in the name of Jesus). She was battling her own mind. This is not God’s will. She carries so much guilt. At the same time, I have compassion for her because even when she wanted to do something, she felt she would be disobeying God if she did not obey the ministry. What I am telling her is that there is a church that Paul speaks of and the Lord has truly lifted me into a place of understanding that I am a part of it... by grace. There are others, whether they are imprisoned by the religious demon that has brought this illness on Gospel Assembly, or any other religious group. The point is, it all must come down.

I remember when I was a kid. On Airline Street, the whole street was filled with topless bars. I remember our church protesting against the bars. I got so angry. I lived behind the church. Often I would just watch the people going in and out. I wondered why I never heard of us offering help. I would truly try to figure out why we never offered a hand to people outside the church. I could imagine Jesus walking across the street. He would be dressed in a way that people would not see Him as different. He would blend in. I could imagine the beautiful words that would come out of His mouth, the words of life. I would get so blessed just daydreaming about it. I always felt our approach to overcoming sin was self-righteous. It is no wonder I "backslid.”

I am sure that Jesus would not hang out in topless bars anymore than he hung out with "Christians" or religious groups. The simplicity of Him is what I feel is missing. I feel that we (GAC) are building a place of safety in an effort to be in this world; but not of this world. Because of the influence that I grew up under as a child raised in GAC, I am compelled to believe there is more to that scripture than feeling safe because you attend service, dress a certain way, worship a certain way. The true separation from the world is the internal belief that we are saved by grace. The closer I come to the truth that I am no longer under the law of sin, but under the law of grace, I feel the resurrection of Christ. This is where I receive a new mind. This does not happen by drilling people through service every night or listening to tapes at home, making demands such as do not go outside the church for help (psychiatrists or counseling). I would have never received any kind of help if I had not gone outside the church. No one even believed it enough to offer any help. That is not a safe place; no matter how beautiful the worship is, or how holy the dress is; our hearts are blind to the needs of the people.

My backsliding put me in an honest relationship with myself. I am not happy about the things that I suffered; I am thankful that the Lord has used my life to reflect Him in a very real way. My life is not sugar coated. My testimony is a truth of how Jesus has a personal interest in each and every one of us. My story does not in any way reflect the power of man. I am, and will always be, a member of Gospel Assembly on Airline Drive. They will always be a very special people in my heart. My natural family will always be dear to me as well. I am in a constant struggle when it comes to always putting Jesus first. I am vulnerable to both influences. Then I have my own thinking that I do not trust anymore than I trust the judgment of GAC or the Dacus clan or all those on this web site.

My point is that I never personally developed a belief that the ministers were anything more than messengers of God. I never took that lightly. I feel we are all messengers or vessels of God and He will use us according to our hearts desire. Some are vessels of honor and some are vessels of dishonor. I remember the stir over the young people when we heard that Brother and Sister Brown were going to have a baby. We had heard him teach that we would have to overcome sex. I never thought of overcoming as “not being human.” I always thought of overcoming as giving everything to God, your sins, your lusts, and He would mold you according to His will. To me if two people were married it was only natural that they would have a child. What is the sin in that? Whatever the sin is in that it is covered through the sanctity of marriage because Jesus said so. The message of marriage to me is beautiful. It’s too bad there are so many hang-ups.

My parents taught us all the stuff that I hear over this web site. They enforced the rules as they are spelled out on this web site. I can see Lloyd Goodwin in my mother. The problem I have today is; for the first time I am questioning where they got these ideas? I wonder how much of what they did was because they were "following the ministry.” As my mind recaptures the past I am beginning to see my parents were under a very heavy load. I remember what I thought of Brother Patton as a child. My parents taught me that he was a minister and that God would punish us if we said anything against him. I thought he must be an overcomer. I watched him closely as I was growing up. I thought of Brother Brown in this way and Brother George Wright. There was a Shetland pony around "the ten acres" when I was growing up. There were some of us who wanted to ride him. I had watched several of the guys try it. I watched the pony buck them off. Bro. Patton drove by. I asked him if he thought the pony would buck me off. He said it would not buck little girls. I hopped right on. The pony did not care that I was a little girl. My back was terribly bruised. The pony threw me off and kicked me several times. I could not get up. My mother came running out. She was very angry with me. I am sure he never intended for me to get on the pony. But I truly believed I was safe because BRO. PATTON said so. I never thought of him in that way from that moment on.

God created good and evil. He created evil for its day. This is a thought I have had to go back to all my life. I truly feel that organized religion is an abomination to God. Too often I have looked upon my church as an organized religion. I have heard it preached over and over how different we were compared to other organized religions. I have never been able to agree. Most of the ways I have thought have been looked upon as rebellious. I have never had a minister say this to me. I have never really been under "the ministry" since I have become an adult. I came close.

As I told Darlene, I don't think we remember differently the things that happened in the church. She lived in one environment as the pastor’s daughter and I lived in another. I really appreciate her. Like I have said before, I never knew the ministers as an adult. I had the influence of my parents. My mom had the strongest influence. I did not know Bro. Patton personally. I never saw our church, as a whole; do things for the community openly. Maybe there is a good reason for this. I have always had a desire to reach out. This is not saying anything particularly bad, I have always been curious as to why we never had benefits for the needy outside the church. The influence around me growing up in the church was we were of a higher calling. We were not to partake of any of the world. We were not to associate with them in any way. I honestly don't know if my parents took things to the extreme or if this was the true teaching of the church.

The purpose of me posting on this site is to let out all my negative thoughts, and positive. I desire an open and honest relationship with the church. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety with this. I was taught to look to all the ministers as above my parents in authority; therefore, I am left with the assumption that the life I had at home had to do with their approval. When Bro. Patton heard of the situation in our home the first thing he advised was to move me into my grandmother's. This really upset me. I had a true love for the church. My grandmother was an atheist. Bro. Patton was very aware of the incident with my family and if he were with us today I believe he would never deny it. As a matter of fact, I wish I could have had the courage to talk to him. I wish I had not believed that he was so far above me that he was untouchable. I truly believe he would have worked with me. I believe Bro. Patton and his whole family are very giving people. He did come back just before he passed away to repent to my mom for not having the right answers in our case. He went out of his way to locate her at the courthouse in Conroe. That truly affected our family. He put softness there.

Please try to understand that the fears and distrust associated with the issues implied on this web site are not to hurt or destroy anyone. I will say for myself personally: this matter leaves a feeling of no-trust. I want to overcome this. In order for me to be a part of the church, as I desire to; I cannot leave anything to chance. I wish none of the events of the past had occurred. I really thought that I would never have to deal with them again. Brother Patton was a good man; he, like anyone else, made mistakes, but no one could ever accuse him of being anything like Lloyd Goodwin.

Even though I have received great victory, my heart is in pain as long as I know there are others who need to be heard. I feel angry to think that the victim must remain silent or give his/her story to be counted as a statistic, like we are adding up stories and if we have enough stories to say there is a problem, then we will do something. I can't always be at church. I don't have time to play church. I want to work for the Lord. I am not looking for anything. I hear those crying out for help. I want to open my heart wide and receive them and I am not concerned about how it makes "us" look. If we are not associated with this, why not openly and whole-heartedly disassociate ourselves? It sounds like we are still trying to find out THE TRUTH. How can one know? The only ones who know the truth are the ones who participated in the offense. Let me tell you, from the moment I became aware of what had truly happened to me, I was told it did not happen, it was a dream. Today I have learned much from this.

I am inclined to go to the victims, for I know the weakness. As a child, I had received an awesome experience when I came to the Lord. I felt all of that was taken away due to the sin that was committed against me. I read about Job. I read about Jesus' crucifixion and I saw God as cruel. I blamed God more than anyone and I did not want to Love Him. I did not believe in Him. I could not conceive of Him as one who was given such an awesome intimate experience only to have it taken away by someone I loved so much. I remember my mother saying; “One day the Lord will make you strong from this weakness.” My, my, my, to see this day has been worth it all. I tried positive thinking, but that only works when I am in physical pain. It took a miracle of love and grace, and no greater victory could I have imagined. I know there is more to come from this.

CHAPTER TWO – A VISION

Toni….

"So that is it, nothing more?”

“I had no idea that God had not given up on me.”

It seems to me I have this vision; I am trying to deliver it and I am so limited. There was a time I thought maybe the limitation was a lack of education. I believe, after analyzing my intelligence, rather than my limited education, I found that lack of education was the only limitation. So I took care of the education leaning on the strength of an IQ of 103. My mother was the authority in our home. She believed women did not need an education. My desire was to go to college. She did everything possible to discourage that. My brother wanted to play football– absolutely not! In the home it was taught to us by my mother that the church believed as she did. In my observation of the church I heard ministers who supported her ideas, but I also heard the ministers who supported mine. I always appreciated the fact that people were allowed their own minds. I felt my oppression was due to decisions my parents were making.

I got married at 17 years old to one of the guys in church. Really, we were forced to marry. It was found out that we had sex before marriage, a marriage that was doomed to fail. We were divorced eight months later. I was out of control. His little church girl was not his dream come true. We were divorced after 8-9 months. I was pregnant. I attempted suicide. I was deathly afraid of going home, but I did not have a clue as to how to deal with the real world. I did not feel I could go to the church for help, and the last place I wanted to go to was home.

I remarried when my first-born child was 6 months old. Anyway, I met a guy through a girl at work. We lived together. I got pregnant. We got married, and three months later I left. He had brought another woman into our room to "you know what." I freaked and went home. The abuse was still very prominent. While working at the hospital I became anorexic and was hospitalized. No therapy, just several hours of IVs. I was very depressed, but I tried to show a lot of life so people around me would not feel the same way. I loved my job. I was continuously battling with how to fit in. I was angry with myself because I couldn't just "be happy." I often reflected on my inner happiness that was shrinking away to what I felt was nothing. True love was a fantasy; therefore, God became more and more a fantasy in my mind. By this time I was 22 years old with 2 baby girls. I went home again. There is a lot of misery to share, but I was really trying to grab a hold of something. Overall, I lived from one failure to another.

In 1979 we went to Des Moines to Lloyd Goodwin's church, but that did not work out. The most irritating thing to me about the church is nothing was clear-cut. The thing that made me vulnerable to Lloyd Goodwin was the fact that he got straight to the point. When my family attended his church he singled me out. He took me in the office and began preaching to me and using scriptures to show me I was called out of my family; that the Lord had delivered me from their rebellion. He was going on a trip and, with authority, he told me he expected me to be there when he got back. He caressed my face with his hand. I was very vulnerable to such forwardness. I needed a hero and he represented that to me. I was determined to stay in Des Moines. I felt I could make it there. A family there was very close to us even before our family came into the church in Houston. We came in just after the Tom Jolly incident. I was very young. Anyway, while we were visiting their home, the father in this family grabbed me and french kissed me as I was coming down the stairs. I was 22 years old at the time. I did not stay because of that.

I decided to work in a gentlemen's club; started out as a waitress; made enough money to finally make it on my own. Then I decided to be a dancer. I eventually moved to Austin, Texas. My motto: Never ask of someone else something you would not ask of yourself. I supported my oldest daughters as a dancer in a gentlemen's club.  I kept this from them for their protection. This occupation allowed me flexibility and the money necessary to provide food shelter and clothing for my children.  I felt equal to this environment. I felt this environment was more honest. I had no expectations of the people I associated with; they expected the worst of me. I was highly respected. In this realm I was considered an example to the other women. How ironic. I danced for six years. It is funny how people see women in this career. My sex life was null. My interest in sex was distant. I didn't want the abuse that came with the relationship. I had taken on a new identity. I became bold and brassy, but I felt very safe. Later I got into drugs, which led to the needle. Now I really began to go downhill fast. My whole life became one crisis after another. When I think back, I am amazed that I survived. Suicide was a constant thought on my mind.

I had become very independent. I took a new lover, he was 18 years old and I was 30 years old. The abuse was very bad. I became pregnant at 30 with his child. It was through my pregnancy that I began to want help. I went to everyone I could. I had no pride. I didn't care what people thought of me (I was a misfit, and I didn't want my unborn child to suffer for it). All of a sudden I became aware of the life I was living. I began looking at my beautiful daughters and my heart would break. They deserved so much more.

I was having a real struggle with kicking the drug addiction. I went to my brother for help, as I see him as the most stable in the family. It really hurt me to tell him that I was a drug addict, much less confess everything else. He took my girls. The idea was so I could pull myself together, but his love for them caused him to want to save them from me. This is where my determination kicked in. It was no longer about me; it was about my kids and my unborn child. I couldn't give up dancing, but I knew I had to in order to turn things around. Dancing allowed me to support my children without depending on a man. I only had to work one or two times a week in order to make the money necessary to provide for them. I had tried other jobs and was successful, such as with big oil companies and IBM, but I could not deal with my time apart from the girls. It became easy for me to justify myself at least to the point that I just knew I had to do what I had to do. I paid my rent three months in advance. As an old-timer at the club, I could come and go, as I pleased, no schedule. I closed myself in my apartment and took on the task of overcoming my drug addiction on my own. I loved my kids, and I was sick of feeling sorry for myself. I was disgusted with the whole thing called life. I had to give my kids something. There are no words to describe the illness I allowed to consume my body in order to be free of drugs. I have no conception of the time frame of how long it took. I stayed in my living room on the couch with no lights on. I only got up to bathe and take a rare occasion for food. I hallucinated; I sweated; I vomited. I did not know if I was going to live or die. I would think about calling someone, but I was too depressed to do so.

A real turning point for me in all this was this hallucination. I have been called an artist. I draw pictures to express myself. There was a large picture of a harlot that I had drawn. She was done in colors from my makeup pallet. I always liked this particular drawing because I had used so much detail in her expression of a casual attitude toward life. I was lying on the couch, with very little energy. I began to look at this picture and talk to it, "...and who the hell are you anyway? Why do I have to be afraid of you? I’m not running anymore, so do to me what you will. I am not afraid to die.” Remember, I was in real bad shape. The picture took on a spirit form and became the fullness of the room. I could feel it coming toward me. I felt the fear and I began to scream, "I don't care if you kill me. I’d rather be dead than to live with this mysterious grief." As it came closer as though it were going to devour me. I felt it just pass. I remember the feeling I felt. I found myself saying, "So that is it, nothing more?” I knew then I would be okay, and I did make it. I've been drug-free ever since. I had no idea that God had not given up on me. I feel the gratitude swell in me that God did not desert me. I have already dealt with the issues of the church’s ideas. Compared to the real life, the place where God truly exists is not so much in the church or its doctrine. He exists in the soul of man. Jesus established the church and those who are willing to submit to the spirit of God will know His mystery. Although I was rebellious, full of fear, unholy in every sense of the imagination, He led me home. He took control of the situation.

My daughter had a girlfriend that she was very close to. The little girlfriend was from a Christian family. I decided it would be good if the mother could baby-sit my daughters while I worked. Once the mother became aware of my occupation, the relationship between our daughters was ended with no explanation to my daughter. She was very hurt. This really hit home with me. I decided then I would take on a different occupation. This is after 6 years of doing this for a living. I received a phone call from the welfare office about a week later. A woman was my caseworker and with her help I was able to take a new direction. This was only the beginning and I often thought while I was going through all this that this should be my church helping me.  But I really didn't have time to worry over all that.  Even after overcoming the drugs; which I spoke of earlier, I would still have flashbacks. I could feel the rush of the drug and then the "down" of not having the drug. By now I had moved into an apartment in Houston and had a job with a chiropractor.

Basically, this brought me into a meeting with the two counselors who had been working with me. They took me into a room to pray with me. I denied any thought that came into my head. I was encouraged in the spirit to come before the "Throne of God Boldly.” I pressed forward through all my fears. The Lord revealed to me the sins I had committed due to my anger and hurt. I felt true conviction and repented with a true heart. I was totally forgiven and felt life fill my being. I was so thankful that I stood as a proxy for my father and I prayed that God would forgive him for all the pain I had suffered under his control. I knew that he was forgiven. I know the forgiveness is there for my father. All he has to do is accept it. I do not need his confession. However he may need to confess, as the spirit of God becomes his reality. I will be ready. If he never confesses my heart will be sad for him because of his loss. So I continue to pray for my father and my mother and my family and myself. Even through all this there is still a lot of changes being made. God is not done yet. But He is definitely the ONE to trust.

I have become very sensitive to any message over the pulpit. I am trying to hear what my parents heard. I am different than my parents. I have my share of problems; but I cope totally different than they did. I also know the reason why. Because of what I went through as a child; I trust no one with my life. My life includes all that I love including my children, my church and myself. So you can see how much I need the closeness of Jesus in my life. I am even grateful to have such a need. He makes me feel perfect, wanting nothing.

The church took me in about six years ago. They paid for my apartment. I had 5 children and myself. I had two children, 16 and 17 years old. These kids had been through hell with me. Their fathers abandoned both of them. They were acting out. I was going to church 4 nights a week. I went to one of the ministers about it because I wanted help. I thought there would be counseling. I was told to put them out. I had no choice. Before I mustered up the courage to do this I prayed for them. I began cleaning my house and I was resenting the girls for not working with me. I was grumbling and praying. My 16 year old had a baby; my grandson was 3 years old. As I got to their bedroom, I felt the angels from heaven surrounding me. I heard the sweetness of the Lord say to me "Do Not Exclude, Include." As I approached an area of the room where my older daughter had her things, the Lord stopped me and showed me that He had created an empty place for Himself in my daughter. I was so blessed. I still had to kick them out to keep my residence but they were gone only a few days and I snuck them back in. I felt like a rebellious teenager all over again.

While living in this apartment I decided; through the advice of one of the counselors at the welfare office, to open up and tell my girls what I was going through. Their hearts were broken. It has taken years of love, mercy and forgiveness to bring the healing between my children and myself. To come back to the church after fighting this battle and overcoming so much and to hear them say: “WE KNEW NOTHING,” is heart wrenching. I have already done the groundwork for myself. The message I have is what God has written on the tables of my heart. I know it is difficult to humble yourself before a group of people and say, we did the wrong thing, please forgive us, and then you cannot expect them to forgive you. Then you pray that God will bring the understanding of Himself into the congregation and the church will experience what my family has experienced. The bitterness I have is more at myself for not going on what I knew God had given me.

I married a few months later. To a man I barely knew. I wanted out of the obligation with the church. I don't want to make that same mistake again. Serving God is everything to me. I believe the church is in just as much sin as the people in the topless bar. Even though that is not my lifestyle today, I am no better than them. I am a sinner who loves Jesus. If there be any good in me; it is Him. There is nothing I could ever do to prove Him. He is proof of Himself by the Father.

If our Lord left his safe haven to bring us to His fullness, that His Father's will would be done in the Earth, why do we think it a sin to leave the place within ourselves that we claim as a safe haven and take on the suffering of the sinners amongst ourselves, including ourselves? What am I not seeing? What a joy to praise the almighty God for who He IS, rather than who we hope He IS? In my eyes, that is perfection. That is the place that we are called to be in Him. As we take on His reality, rather than our own, we have answered His call. Mortal man cannot reveal the story of the Savior I adore by admitting our sin. Exposing it completely and honestly does not deny anything but the flesh and empties out the death in our hearts that we may receive Him completely. If we empty half we receive half, resisting the fullness, whether through our innocence or deliberately. Today we can praise the almighty God for this opportunity to empty ourselves completely, fully trusting in Him. We are being asked to take on the shame of the sin whether it is by omission or submission. This is why my soul is leaping, for my soul can feel the nearness of Jesus. My soul has become aware, setting me back in my carnal thinking, bringing me into judgment that I may die in Christ. The nearness of Jesus can heal the leper or make the blind to see. My soul knows, for it is my soul that has partaken of the Tree of Life.

Nothing has changed in God; He is still almighty. Pray for deliverance. I pray that we do not contribute to the destruction, for if we do, we are among the child molesters. This is not the desire of our hearts. The Lord will have His perfect work. I pray that we answer the calling that God has placed in our lives to give this Hope to the weak and defenseless. Any other hope is false hope. I believe in a God who is mighty and great. I believe in the works that He has done. I have felt the power of His Holy Spirit, and I believe, yes I believe in God's dear Son. Thank you Jesus. I thank you Jesus. I thank you Lord, for you have brought us from a mighty, mighty long way.

All I know is each time I do this emptying out I feel deliverance. I can feel His glory all around me. Whoever I am is not important; He made me worthy of love acceptance. This is too much for me to take lightly. To be a servant puts us in a place of always feeling gratitude. Oh, my precious heavenly Father, I feel absolute gratitude to you.

CHAPTER THREE – CROSSROADS

“We are going to have to feel the sorrow to rejoice in the victory.”

“I did not commit this crime. I am not guilty.”

I got to the place where I was ready to face it all at the age of 30. I made a great recovery; everything had been rocking along; then I came across the website by accident, which woke it all up. I came on the site to just share my story.

I have been given a better perspective of where I am on my journey. I have been here before many times at a crossroad. I expect to be at some other crossroads as I go forward. I am not feeling real solid just yet, so I welcome any thoughts. I have dealt with my family: mom, dad, brother and sisters. I have learned to set my limits. I have faced my father. I have taken so much ridicule: I’ve been called a “trouble maker,” and told to “just let it lie, let the dead bury the dead; you just need to get some shock treatments.” I left them for 8 years and moved to Austin (that is a story in itself). All that time I was experiencing things such as: driving down the road and not knowing who I was, or where I was. I did not have a clue that I was experiencing anything associated with my childhood abuse. So many other experiences were leaving me feeling as though I was not in control. I was afraid to seek help. First of all I didn't know where to go. I was afraid for myself. It got worse as time went on; one thing led to another. I thought if I could just get away from them, the church, everything that had anything to do with my confusion.

I just gave a name to this crossroad. I am crossing over from courage to bravery. Thank you; Lord, for this opportunity to make this change. It is the fear of the unknown. I have gained courage through the previous changes in my life and now I have an opportunity to know bravery. If it is not for a greater purpose than for myself, then I can't see a need to tell of it. What is that still small voice inside that I hear telling me that if thou shall confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe with thy heart that thou has raised him from the dead, thou shall be saved? I believe that I was dead and with the little faith that I had I believed through it all that if I were to live again, the only one that could make it possible was the Lord. I did not even realize that was faith. To me that is just a fact. Just like I don't understand the concept of gravity, but it is what keeps me on the ground. Even if I don't believe it, it’s true. Even though I believed, I did not have faith because I could not trust those who delivered the message. Now, I am beginning to see that I am to put my faith in the message, not the messenger. Sounds simple. Well, I am overwhelmed by the simplicity of it.

I am just now aware of the anger I really had against the church. I am amazed at the steps they are taking to bring it all to light. In the midst of all the good that is happening, the other stuff is still there. I do not support Gospel Assembly but I do support the changes I see. I just don't want to get so caught up in the hope of recovery of my spiritual family that I lose sight of my own victory. All of a sudden my focus is on the victory rather than the journey I am on. Am I making sense? I am 43 years old; I am married going on 7 years. I long to feel close to this man who has taken on 4 children, my 3 grandchildren, and me. I long for a place where I can serve God. I have sought many religious groups.

I have very deep problems with intimacy. It has never been about me. Somehow, my internal problems stem from my childhood. This is my first time to deal with the church side of it. All I have is the awesome grace of God, and I just need a place to share that. That is the best I have to offer. It is ALL I have to offer. I have felt so much joy as I give God the praise over this website. I am so amazed to know that all that stuff is living inside of me; all of a sudden I feel like more than just a survivor. I feel like a Vietnam War veteran. I survived (with missing body parts, but I am here). I learned to appreciate my life, my being a mother. My hands became very useful, but as far as trusting anyone for me as one adult to another, I have been incapable. I trust in the Lord. This is not about religion to me. Every time I "get away with sharing my thoughts" I feel myself growing another feather on my wings. I am not breakable, but I am extremely sensitive.

I am told that the reason I cannot be received is because my body language brings all the attention on myself. My God......My God. If they could see me as Jesus saw Mary Magdalene, what a joy to all, to be able to love as Christ loved the church.

One of the curses of the old regime such as; to deny who you are as a human being was to bring us in contact with who we are spiritually. I pray the ministers take a closer look at how this is thinking of the carnal mind, which offers no spiritual growth. I felt the curse of being born female, rather than the blessing. I still struggle with that, but in different ways. Hopefully, I am finally confronting the real issues and can come to a complete healing and share my victory with others. It is the spirit that heals the body. The body cannot heal the spirit. I could go on and on about the effects this kind of thinking had on the girls, who are now women, battling with their own sexuality. Some men don't seem to realize they were taking in the lust by viewing their sisters in such a carnal way. It is scary to think of the suffering their daughters experienced. No wonder the church was not protected from the sexual abuse, we were breeding it. I pray for complete deliverance; today is a day for deliverance.

I can also remember a time as a young girl beating myself in the chest. I did not want to develop into a woman. I remember in my 20's I decided I would become so thin that I would be flat chested. Yes, I am glad that I made it. I surely could not have done it without faith in God. He is the only one who could know of the suffering. No one else could or should have to take on such pain. I love my Lord. He has given me more than I could have even imagined. I am looking forward to the day that we can see one another through His eyes. I will be known purely by my love for the Lord. I am looking for the day I live beyond the phenomenal creature that I am. All this is for His purpose. He could have delivered me at any time He chose. Now sin has been my schoolmaster. Thank you Lord.

I appreciate this poem. When I read it I can feel my self-acceptance as a woman in this carnal body.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies,

I'm not cute or built to fit a fashion models size;

but when I start to tell them, they think I’m telling lies.

I say it's in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips,

the stride of my step, the curl of my lips.

I’m a woman. Phenomenally phenomenal woman, that’s me.

I walk into a room, just a cool as you please,

and to a man the fellows stand or fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me, a hive of honeybees.

I say it’s in the fire in my eyes and the flash of my teeth,

the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet.

I’m a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me.

Men themselves have wondered what they see in me.

They try so hard, but they can't touch my inner mystery.

When I try to show them, they say they still can't see.

I say it’s in the arch of my back,

the sun of my smile, the grace of my style.

I’m a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me.

Now you understand just why my head's not bowed,

I don't shout or jump about or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing, it ought to make you proud.

I say it's in the click of my heels, the bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand, the need for my care, 'cause

I'm a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me.”

If I have gained anything through it all, I have gained more trust in my relationship with God. I no longer feel the need for an intimate relationship with man; yet, through the intimate relationship with God, I am intimately related to man, whether they are of God or not. I am sheltered in the arms of God. My husband tells me I am obsessed with Christianity. All I can say is: something has happened to Debi. My biggest challenge is to believe it, question it, because if the Bible is the word of God and all the stuff we were taught as babes, whether we were under the hands of incest or we experienced serious situations that left us without all the tools that make us presentable in the eyes of man, we are perfect through our faith in believing. I want to believe more than anything. I NEED to believe; I know that is my only hope. I thought that was what we all wanted. I felt alone in my sorrow. I isolated myself so no one would have to feel my sorrow. I feel like I finally got the message. I am learning that I was never alone. I am not the only one battling with my disbelief. My journey has now made me a part of it all. I am overwhelmed to have come this far to learn this. We isolate ourselves by not believing. As we believe in His power and claim Him as the Lord over all things, we become united. Sin separates us from each other and from ourselves. God’s love brings us under the law of grace.

I am observing. I also believe I must show another side of the story to offer a clear mind: it is the face of Jesus I seek. Jesus is more intimate to us than religion. He IS our religion, not by his image but by his Spirit. It seems so hard for men to receive this insight. We must destroy the image that religion has worshiped, and worship through the spirit. Male/female are one; therefore, the carnal idea of male/female is destroyed, bringing us to a safe haven no one dominates, one authority– Jesus Christ. I believe the church will find intimacy through people speaking openly of their pain and hurts, as well as their victory. Men need to stop trying to control the spirit of God. Bring the men down in the spirit of Love that they may be delivered. This is my vision. It will not all happen overnight; we need to be able to communicate with our brothers without intimidation. As far as I am concerned, the only real intimidation is in our minds. In reality, there is no intimidation or separation. That is deliverance.

“I'll have no fear for my Jesus walks beside me,

for I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

So let the storm clouds rise, they don't worry me,

for I’m sheltered safe within the arms of God.

He walks with me and naught of earth shall harm me,

for I’m sheltered in the arms of God.”

Our family has sung this song together many times. We have held our father, each other, knowing of the graciousness of God, comparing our lives against the teachings, believing in the message. That is why we are here, because we believe. We have found so much love in Christ. I watch my family as they compare their joy to what everyone else is going through. I weep for them as I weep for all.

This burden is so heavy. I feel it so strong. I become angry with Satan; he is my true enemy. I know him. I have seen him face to face. He came in my youth. I was untouched; I was pure; I was a virgin. I believed; I prayed diligently; my faith soared in my innocence. He could not destroy what God had created unto Himself. In my ignorance I was brought to live in Christ. In my search for what it true, I see it all too clear. I have nowhere to go but to the Father. I trust Him in all things, for I cannot prove Him. He has proven Himself, and I am forever in debt to Him. This is true deliverance. No longer do I walk in darkness. I know of the resurrection. In my weakness, He has made me strong. As I sit here shaking and trembling, aware of what is upon us, I know we do not have it in our will to overcome sin. We have to give it all up, our will, our knowledge, our own righteousness, our gods or images of our gods. Some will hear and say that I am a backslider, that I have lost my vision. Dear God, please do not let me partake of that lie, for you have delivered me and your presence is upon the church. Yes, we should feel the fear, face it and know our blessed Father. Jesus died that we might live.

The Gospel Assembly, as an organization, has got to go. There is a wheel in the middle of the wheel. We have taught that he is coming back. Either we believe it or we don't. We must pray for all, including my father. He is so blessed to have a family that loves him so dearly. God hates sin but He loves the sinner. I can feel in my heart that my father will be delivered as the victims claim their healing. The weak must be raised up in glory unto the father, not for their honor, for that would be for nothing. If all of a sudden my story were believed and everyone felt bad about it, nothing everlasting could come to me. What would be the gain? I can see the church being restored. Jesus is passing our way. He is my first true love. My greatest loss would be to be without Him. Now that He has made Himself known to me, has brought me through it all, I trust in Him completely. We are all powerless outside of His will; we will gain nothing outside of His will.

It frightens me when I feel this spirit hovering around that wants to give us a spiritual drug to make it easier. It is not going to happen like that this time. We are going to have to feel the sorrow to rejoice in the victory. I do not want to offend the innocent, but if there was news in the neighborhood that a murderer was going around killing the innocent, would we protect only ourselves or would we also make sure our neighbors knew? I did not commit this crime. I am not guilty. The judgement I had to face was holding on to it, not giving it to God, and allowing sin to condemn me to be nothing more than a vessel to be used by evil. God had enough! He loved me through it. He loved me when no one else could. Some could not because the very thought of this sickened them to the point that they turned their head so they could remain unspotted from the world. We have been given an awesome opportunity to make things right. I fear the judgment will be harsh if we turn our heads this time.

If we go to find the knowledge of the good and evil (as I did for years and learned much) it is a diversion of the TRUTH that will set us free. I praise God for the mercy He has truly shown me. When I went to God (come boldly before the throne of God), I prayed, (for I knew much), Lord help me to forgive the trespasser who has trespassed against me. (I had developed a murderous heart. Due to the guilt of having such a heart, I had become suicidal rather than homicidal.) My Lord knew of this, not I. This was the truth that would offer me the freedom my soul cried out for. PLEASE HEAR ME!

As I approached the throne of God, I was sore afraid. As my knowledge ran through my mind, I began to give it up, everything I ever was taught, for none of this knowledge could set me free. I was shown my heart. I felt condemnation, not guilt. I felt the power of the WORD of God. I felt His anointing. I felt the sheltering of His arms and I was able to fall at His feet, at the cross. At that very moment I could have easily been taken. He took away the fear. Now I am learning to trust Him, even through my doubts, fears and insecurities. THAT’S MY JESUS! I LOVE HIM. (I AM SO SORRY FOR EVER DOUBTING YOU.) HE IS EVERYTHING. So lies the issue of transgression at the foot of the cross. The Lord has brought incorruption from corruption. HE IS ABLE TO DELIVER YOU, SET YOU FREE, MAKE YOU WHOLE HE AND HE ALONE, that your life will shine forth HIS truth. For I, one who was wretched and poor, now can sing PRAISE GOD, PRAISE GOD, I'M A CHILD OF THE KING. It's all because of what Jesus did on the cross. This is His church, His people. There is none above Him.

Now I sing a new song, one of grace to endure all things, mercy to the point of grace; everlasting love, everlasting joy, deliverance unto perfection; everlasting life. This is what I live for; this is what I die for; this is the baptism of the Holy Ghost, the very essence of our Father. God, who resurrected His only begotten Son, glorified Him and made the impossible POSITIVELY POSSIBLE. Nothing can come between us. OH GOD THOU ART THE LOVER OF MY SOUL, because of Jesus and for no other reason. I have not suffered in vain, for He loved me when there was NO ONE, NO ONE. LORD LOVE THROUGH ME that all may know you. This is why I live outside of that. It is all death, death. Persecution will fulfill the scriptures, not death, for IN CHRIST there is only life.

At one time I thought I would die with grief due to the things I suffered. Then He turned me completely around. As I turned to the cross, I was given a new birth. My mind was renewed. I took on a new thinking. I realized if my father had taken responsibility for his actions, my mother, the church, I would still be left with a broken heart. I would have no one to blame but God for creating me. I realized the powerful destruction of the ways of man. I realized I could not give to my own children what God had given me. So I willing submit my life to the Father. He saved me, and He alone. We are miracles of His promise. I realized He gave me what my mind could not conceive. He knew my heart better than I. He truly gave me the desires of my heart through His son Jesus Christ, who did not die for nothing. Nothing can separate us – NOTHING– as we walk through this fire together and know that you are not alone. Believe in the Holy Ghost experience. The very Spirit of God, the kingdom of God is in YOU; not because I say so or Lloyd Goodwin or the Baptist preacher down the street. It is true because Jesus said so, anointed of his Father, that where he is there we may be also...saved by grace. Through it all, no one can take the truth from us. Man cannot offer the gift that God has for us, no man. We will not give up and we walk in faith. God will set His people FREE. It has always been the plan.

CHAPTER FOUR – FORGIVENESS

“I was not able to forgive until I knew of my own need of forgiveness.”

I feel so blessed to be able to share this will all of you. The Lord really gave me something special about the issue of forgiveness here. I have worked with other victims, and in doing so I found there are many similarities in the affects abuse has on the victim who is moving on to recovery. One of those similarities is, especially when the perpetrator is someone you feel you must give allegiance to, you feel some kind of obligation to the perpetrator. For instance: the perpetrator in my situation was my biological father. Once I had to accept the fact that he would not be removed from the home, I began to deal with my obligations to him as my father. I am to obey him. I am to honor him, that my days will be long on the earth. There was nothing in me that wanted to be obedient to him or my mother, because in my mind, she was just as guilty as he was. I could find no honor in either of them. My independent thinking was well in bloom at a very tender age. Between the ages of 10 and 36 I have a life that was focused on the fact that I could not keep the 10 commandments for I could not honor and obey my parents.

We cannot prove God. He proves Himself through us. I really don't believe it is His will for us to live in solitude. There is something so beautiful about sharing your thoughts and experiences with others. I feel that God gave us everything we need; that He took away all regrets. Death becomes an opportunity for life from this perspective. There are no secrets IN CHRIST. The Holy Spirit moves through us bringing all our sins forward. All our hurts, all our confusion, this is a death to the carnal man. To give up everything that made you who you are. We hold onto experiences; they are our foundation. When God has called you, He is rebuilding you from the foundation up. Never be silent. Openly confess your heart. Always know: you are not alone. Now is our time to die, let it go. (I am really preachin' to myself here.)

I pray this for Gospel Assembly. I pray for deliverance and the strength for our leaders to take on the challenge that has been set before them, for I believe it is the will of our Lord that we live "Beyond the Darkness." Yet, I praise Him even more. I was not able to forgive until I knew of my own need of forgiveness. What an awesome experience! I understood how Jesus could say, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Thank you, Lord, that all of it led me to the cross that I may stand confident in the day of destruction. I just know that religion is dictatorial, and no matter what church we attend, we must all have the freedom to worship God from wherever our hearts are in Him. The church must become a safe place; the church must correct its wrongs. Maybe the ministers, who have been in this all along, need to come forward and ask forgiveness. What greater healing than this? I believe in miracles: I am one! Upon this rock I stand, in faith believing.

Dealing with issues such as incest, sexual abuse, drug abuse, family violence and alcoholism are difficult enough outside the church. There are no quick solutions, but that is not to say there are NO solutions. I chose to go to hospital psychiatry with a Christian perspective called the "Rapha" center. I went seeking a way to find forgiveness for my father as I approached the throne of God boldly, giving up everything I was ever taught, everything I thought I knew, emptying out completely. I was able to hear him. I began to see my sins. All the things I had done were in anger. I felt that my judgment was sure to be death, but I moved closer to the throne of my heavenly Father. By the time I reached him I was sobbing, my heart was broken. I gave up my self-righteousness. I stood before him, totally stripped of my self-pride, dignity, self honor and he took me in with total forgiveness. I stood as a virgin, untouched by sin. I was so elated. I was filled with such immense gratitude. My heart prayed, “Dear Father, I stand as a proxy for my father. God, I pray you will forgive him of this debt and so it is between my father and me. His debt to me has been paid, under the blood.

At the age of 36 I went into a hospital. I saw a video of a teacher, I don't remember his name, he was showing a group of people how to FEEL honor. He had in his hand a violin that was very tattered. The violin was broken into. It showed no value on the outside. He looked inside the violin and Stradivarius was the signature inside. He explained that this name is what gave value to this broken violin. The crowd went, "ahhhh!" as the speaker explained the monetary value placed on the signature. The name I heard was Jesus. I don't know how to explain the fullness of this experience. The honor is in Jesus for He is the life. If I can honor Jesus, the honor works through EVERY aspect of my life. My parents are vessels. I am just a vessel. I felt a quickening in the spirit that was the life of Christ. I was in the hospital because I was suicidal. Life was nothing to me. I died at the age of 10. This was MY REALITY. But what I felt was the life of Christ. No great big booming voices but a simple kiss from heaven that quickened a hungry soul. More than the experience or the teacher, it is the quickening of the Holy Ghost. Can God speak through a Donkey? If God can speak through a Donkey, do we worship the donkey? Today, what Jesus did on Calvary is VERY personal. The Old and the New Testament come together at the cross. The past and the future come together at the cross. This is what I live for, this is what I die for. To me this is all there is. I am just a sinner saved by grace and Jesus is my GRACE.

The message of honor that day opened my heart. It gave me hope. I felt Him and He touched me emotionally. It made me want to give up my own thinking, all the facts. This was very subtle. It was a quiet deep "awareness." I began praying every day after that. Before this I was in complete rebellion. I had convinced myself that I had been brainwashed and my whole life was a lie. I hated the fact that I was ever born. The whole reality of how children are brought into this world was an overwhelming concept to me. How can sex and love have anything to do with each other? What a lie! Love does not exist in mankind. My beautiful children, my concept of fathers, of men. Life in the carnal is of no meaning. There is no true love. I could not even be the person I wanted to be for my beautiful children because the truth is; there is no good in mankind. God should have destroyed us all. Why does He let us go on? As much as I loved Him as a child, innocent and pure, was not enough to satisfy Him. God is Love? Oh! That’s great. Well, I’d just as soon be dead. There is no God for me. I felt I had nothing to offer this world. I felt I was a burden on society and that I could be nothing more than a disgrace. I felt there was no way out. I was not aware of the TRUE GOD. JEHOVAH. I knew nothing. I was nothing. All I had were facts. He touched me. It was Jesus, Jesus, I missed Him so much. I am so angry Lord. What can I do? Please Lord; if you could help me forgive my father, then I will be free to love. I felt the ache and I still doubted. I did not doubt that I felt Him. I knew it was Him. I recognized Him. He was everything I could not be. He was truly NOT OF THIS WORLD. He did not overwhelm me. He comforted me as I cried the cry of death. Then He gave me a dream.

In this dream: I saw a house that had been burnt down. I recognized the house as one I had lived in with my parents. I (in this dream) was myself in that present state. She was "Toni,” a name and identity I had taken on as a dancer. This identity was a fighter. A warrior. She came into the house. She was frantically searching for Debbie. Debbie is a name that my father gave me. (It is deliberate that I spell my name Debi.) Her thoughts were: "Where the hell are you? D_mn It! You make me so sick! You are so full of self-pity you won't even let me save you. Look at all I have suffered for you. You ungrateful little sh_t." In the dream, I saw Debbie curled up in a ball. She was still 10 years old and scared. She was waiting for her true salvation. She never stopped believing. She was waiting on Jesus. She had to stay. There was no understanding, no direction; only a small bit of faith in something that suddenly was gone without any explanation. This dream was very frightening for me. I shared it with my counselor. I told him that I needed to destroy "Toni.” I felt the suicide was an effort to destroy "Toni.” I was afraid of who I had become. He said, "No, we have to find salvation for Toni.” We need to ask God to forgive her."

This dream became a focal point in my therapy. I began to understand that there was indeed a spiritual event that took place the night that my father attempted to rape me. The only reason I was not penetrated was because he couldn't. I screamed frantically that night. He hurt me. I truly believed he wanted to kill me. He was growling. He prayed over me. He fought with me. I escaped. It is his fault that I was left in this emotional and spiritual dilemma. God did not do this. The whole idea of how God wanted us to be as a family was twisted. My mother is guilty of physical abuse. The beatings are indeed evil. There was no truth to any of the things that were manifested in my home. In order for any of the members in my family to receive the promise of freedom in Christ they must come to a place where the sin is no longer covered up. It must be exposed. It is that exposure that separates us from the identity of this world. Yes, all have sinned and have come short. We do not have to stay in this bondage. It is a trust. What are we willing to do to receive the love of God that surpasses all understanding? This is what was ringing in my ears. I spoke to my counselors openly. The revelations I received each day made me feel as though I was crazy. I was excited about showing up in each session. I did not know how this was going to work out, but somehow I just knew we were onto something.

I will feel the wounds of sin for as long as deliverance is needed, but I hold to the faith that Jesus died for all, and in Him we find rest. As long as there are those who are seeking strength to come to the cross I will feel their tears. I will pray for their deliverance. I know of the deliverance for my father, because I could not forgive him until I saw my own sin. I was not justified by my purity. I was not justified by my innocence. I was justified by having faith that sins are forgiven. Then I received the truth and partook of the mystery of our Lord. I can't explain, yet there is no mystery. All I can say is I know of the promise to my father.

Using him as an example to any that are held in fear that we do not have the power to overcome this demon in our lives, the power is at the cross. The Lord will reveal to you who you must repent to. The Lord will reveal his mystery to you. You do not have to live under the law of sin. You know in your heart what God has called you to do. Salvation is waiting for you on the other side of the cross. There is power in the resurrection. Claim the victory for all, as Christ did answer the call that is upon you. Dear Lord, stay with me.

“He spoke the words that calmed the water

He walked upon that troubled sea

He called my name when I was scared and so ashamed

Jesus that man of Galilee."

The only thing that I want for my dad is complete deliverance. Even now, I feel like he is angry with me. This is my sacrifice, for me to go to church knowing what I know, and witnessing. After all these years, the feeling of being powerless against this evil has caused me to reach to heaven. My soul has connected to the life that is available to us all. Sin has truly been our schoolmaster. There is nothing I can do about the past; all I know is God is in this. He will never leave us or forsake us. This is not just positive thinking.

I think of the years I spent trying to get my father to confess his crime. That never happened. I would hear the stories from my mother as she used the ministry to defend herself for not protecting me as a child. I was set free by the grace of God. If the church did not take responsibility and my parents did not take responsibility, then how could I take responsibility? After all I am the victim. Then I received an empowering message: VICTIM. I began to see. A victim is one who is limited by his environment. I understood from that point that I needed to change my environment. Well, this is how I see God's people: as victims to an oppression of demonic ways and working in the spirit of religion. God is offering us a new environment. For your eyes to be open to the truth is a miracle and when I think of that for myself I praise God. We no longer need any approval from man. I praise God for our deliverance.

I truly do not need a confession from my father.  A confession could restore our relationship as father and daughter, but I no longer need that from him. It would be nice, but the way I see it is there are so many people in this world that do not have their fathers. It is just a loss I had to come to terms with. I forgive him as Christ has forgiven me; which means the opportunity for his confession and repentance is always available. The forgiveness is already there and I have shared this with my dad very openly. I only want him to learn of my story and receive enough understanding of the fullness of the hurt in the family that when he is sitting in front of the family members who wish to confront the issue, he will have a deeper perspective so he can be of some value. Also he may be able to help others.

Jesus feels our infirmities. How is it so? He was made perfect by the things he suffered. So shall it be with any of us to suffer the infirmities of others. We have been called to overcome sin, not suppress it or disguise it, to become the naked truth. For, as the sin in the garden before they partook of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they were the naked truth. They needed no disguise; nothing on the outside to prove who they were they were perfect. BUT GOD HAD A PLAN!!!!!

The foolishness of God is wiser than man. If we know that we are foolish, give it to God. It will make of your foolishness a testimony of faith. Lord, humble me and break me. Without you I have no life. I am dead already.

Well I thank God for the mountains

and I thank Him for the valleys;

I thank Him for the storms

He's brought me through;

for if I never had a problem,

I wouldn't know that

God could solve them,

I'D NEVER KNOW WHAT

FAITH IN GOD COULD DO.

Through it all, through it all,

I've learned to trust in Jesus,

I've learned to trust in God.

Through it all, through it all,

I've learned to depend upon his word,

AIN’T HE EVERYTHING THEY TOLD US AND MORE?

I kinda like the way it has all turned out for me. Christ is truly all I need. Through my relationship with Him I feel I can truly conquer all things. I know we are only at the beginning of this. No matter what, no one can take from me what I know. NO MORE FEAR, NO MORE PAIN, NO MORE LONELINESS. I AM FREE. Now I can share that freedom with all those that I come in contact with.

These words copied from the front page of the CD pamphlet In an endeavor to reach the basic needs of the family and to provide Biblical answers to marital ills. T.D. Jakes has comprised these medicinal lyrics and the healing balm of music. These songs address the need to make Christ the center of our personal relationships. Marriage is a ministry, and children a precious gift. Amen.

The Lady, Her Lover and Lord

She found herself, she found her lover for life,

and then the two of them joined together in the Lord.

Now she’s completed, a three-fold woman, one accord.

The Lady, Her Lover and Lord

(Verse 1)

On bended knees she brought her broken heart.

His answer was a husband, a new start.

He glued the pieces of her broken dreams,

and now the man loves back her self-esteem

Who'd have known she'd survive all her past and move on?

(Verse 2)

He pulled her life together, kissed her, made her better;

the missing part in her is now complete.

What God has joined together is bound to that forever,

a three-fold chord means perfect harmony.

Shirley Murdoch from the T.D. Jakes CD, “Sacred Love Songs.”

CHAPTER FIVE – “THE BODY OF CHRIST”

“We do not live in a perfect world. We cannot hide ourselves in any religion; nothing will be hid.”

Anyone who claims to be the body of Christ must take a deeper look at what he believes. I believe that anyone who gives his life according to the scriptures, according to the will of God, is a part of the Body of Christ." As He is– so are we. That is the beauty of the miracle of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection. I have never believed that if one does not attend the Gospel Assembly church, he is not a part of the “body," nor do I believe that you are not a part of the “body" if you do attend the church. We are saved by grace.

This has been on my mind all day: I think the question to ask is W.W.J.D.? I think of Judas, how Jesus handled Him. Judas might represent the "humanity of man.” Jesus represents "The Body of Christ.” Jesus never excluded Judas (our human behavior is not excluded). Jesus ("The Body of Christ) was brought to the cross by the betrayal of Judas (our human nature, our sinful ways). Human nature will betray the body of Christ, which brings us all to the cross, and we die– all of us– a sinner’s death. We can die like Judas, who became his own judge and jury (I believe the pastors who took on the name of God for themselves are surely guilty of this), and commit spiritual suicide, or we can become members of the body of Christ and recognize that we are no longer under the law of sin and death, but under the law of grace. Though the body must die a sinner’s death on the cross– it will rise again.

Pray that the vision be made clear to the leaders of the church in which you serve; let each of us pray that the Lord bring us together. That will happen as the healing begins – that inward healing – of the saints. I pray the ministers will have the courage to take in the weak. So what if they lose favor with their fellow brothers? At least they suffered for the body of Christ. Let us be a vessel of deliverance, rather than protectors of a name that means nothing compared to the name that we are taking on, the name of Jesus. When I got married I took on my husband's name. If we plan to be the bride to be married to the groom (once we give up our name: Baptist, Catholic, Pentecostal, Gospel Assembly), all churches will have to do this to be "In the name of Jesus." He was a man of no reputation. Or we could, any of us, be accused of becoming a Judas. I pray that we trust in the spirit of truth that none of are deceived, and find that it is Judas we are following, rather than the body of Christ. That will always be a question in my mind.

I think a lot of churches are guilty of the crimes that have been brought out here, due to a narrow focus on how their particular church was brought together. The Baptists: if you cannot conform to their way of thinking, you are never truly accepted. It is not the Baptist name that will save us; but within that religion are people who serve the Lord according to the scriptures. We are saved by grace! The Catholic Church: my grandmother was Catholic, and she has horrible stories to tell. I think following the “body" of Christ is the wisest advise for anyone searching for true religion. It begins with the written word; learn about the body of Christ, seek it as pure gold, never stray from it. Jesus did not come here to condemn the world. Does the church in which you serve condemn the world? Then there is the scripture, “The kingdom of God is within you.” I am just thankful to be able to talk about these things openly. Thank you for listening.

We do not live in a perfect world. We cannot hide ourselves in any religion; nothing will be hid. He who seeks to save his life will lose it. Just because you wear your clothes in a manner to present your carnal interpretation of holiness does not mean you are holy. Just because you have acquired the ability to speak with eloquence doesn’t make you SOMEBODY (or NOBODY). At least now I know the difference. I can say I am more than a survivor. I LIVE! And I do pray for my enemies; I pray for their deliverance; and I will do whatever I can to help bring the church to restoration. The people need it. The church that chooses to take on the weakness will be raised to strength, coming to the full knowledge of the gospel. It will become a part of them.

How can we experience discernment in the spirit when we are not free? When I think of “The Body of Christ,” I picture Him among the world. He did not close Himself up among people like Himself. He went out among the sinners. I have heard it said: we are not going to bring the world in “here.” “Are we afraid of getting "dirty"? I thought these thoughts also as a child. While I was enduring my upbringing to become a perfect overcomer, it was really difficult for me to see myself as any different from anyone else. I had experienced it all before I reached puberty. I lived with these people. The church was my life.

The body must work together equally– can you tell me of any church today that is doing this? I know that is the desire of the over-all church in Gospel Assembly. Go ahead, bring out the sins, for that is the will of God, but don't be surprise if you are not opened up as well, as it happened to me.

The name of Jesus is the only name that will bring healing, peace and deliverance. We have to deal with the NOW. The more I deal with all this stuff; I am realizing that God truly has a plan for us. We need each other. He wants a people that can "learn quick and speak slowly.” What if we are being asked to give up anything that looks like Jesus? What if we are being asked to give up all images of our salvation? Images such as: what parents taught us, our knowledge of the scriptures (even Satan can quote scripture). Maybe God wants us to give Him everything we have. Maybe he wants our good and our bad. Maybe He wants to establish Himself in us in such a way that we will never depart from HIS TRUTH. What we know of the men who founded Gospel Assembly is nothing. We can never have more than half the truth. God knows all. Only God has the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We cannot even judge ourselves.

I don't quite know what to think. I do think that God will call a people unto himself. I do not believe we can decide if we are called. I believe we need to serve the Lord with all our hearts. And so one is a bride member and one is not. It is like saying the hand is better than the eyelash. The feeling that comes from statements that I have heard recently; statements like, "If you are not in this order or under this hand..." I hear it, I know the scriptures that back it up, but something is not right. It is in the spirit. There is something wrong in the spirit of the message. There is no anointing on these words. WHY? This is a real concern.

I have read over the comments regarding the earmarks of the Body of Christ as well as the list of a cult. We are all looking closely at Gospel Assembly on both accounts. I am going through my own experiences in my head. When we first came to the "Body,” this is truly the way Gospel Assembly is represented; and this is just being honest. We were taught not to go to doctors. Ah! Ha! This is an excellent place to start. My brother went through a plate glass door at the church downtown. He had deep cuts between his legs. We pulled glass out of his body for days. My mom was told to trust the Lord. I was a child and I thought it so awesome to trust the Lord in this way as I watched the pain and suffering my brother went through. I got a staph infection in my neck and shoulder area from a fall that had put deep scratches in my shoulders. I ran high fever. We trusted the Lord. People came from the church to anoint me with oil. I love them for that. Although the experience was painful I loved these people so much. It was my brother's prayer that made me determined to claim my healing. I will say God was truly with us. Later my brother cut his foot really bad. We took him to the doctor. My mom suffered so much over the fact that she did not trust God for that incident. Of course we have already established that she was extreme. Her heart was set on doing everything that was taught. Either you believe or you don't.

I remember the thing about the color red. I wondered why would God make elbows if he didn't like elbows or knees? I was at the age of 8 years old to 10 years old. At the age of 11 my life became internal. The outside influences were just something I had to put up with. I thought of the whole thing as just a sad, sad, mistake. Now I am 43 years old and God is calling me back. He is showing me my past in a way I never considered it. We have been under bondage, our ministers as well as ourselves. God has chosen NOW for our deliverance. I am so amazed at the reality of God. For all who have learned to trust in the one and only true and loving God, give your testimony. Shout it to the hilltops. Rejoice in the freedom that is from God. No regrets, as long as I know I did it all for my love to Him. Know that He will never leave you or forsake you. AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU MADE IT? In the eyes of man I am nothing to be desired. My father is a king and I am his prince/princess.

I just got this flashback of a meeting where the ministers were discussing dress codes. I was a teenager by this time. This man was on the platform talking about how he thought that women should wear some makeup. Then he turned around and started talking about women wearing pants and pulled his pants tight across his backside toward the congregation. I can remember sitting there, thinking this man has got a very serious problem. This is also one of the earmarks of the "Body of Christ," the thrashing floor. That is one thing I can say in Gospel Assembly: there were several options as to how one could choose to live their life. No wonder Brother Patton was constantly teaching us NOT to follow a man. I do remember Brother Patton saying over and over not to become a Pattonite or Brownite. A lot of the people in the church would show up when their favorite teacher was teaching. I can also say I do see a lot of change in GA since I was a kid. I never thought I would see change, but I promise you it is there. I also never thought I would know myself the way I do today, but I promise it is there. I figure there is hope as long as you can see change.

I remember something Brother Patton said and did while working at the store at the church. We were going through the foods, dividing the good food from the bad. He was talking to the young people around him. He was saying that we would be able to trust the Lord in a way that we will receive no harm from this world. Then he ate from a jar of peanut butter that had broken glass in it. That incident stayed in my mind. That is how I feel about all the codes and laws. I don't know if I am right, but the spirit in what I feel is right, so I am inclined to believe there is truly a message in this for us all.

The church has changed since then but when I was a child sandals were not permissible. There were other rules like; you could not do any kind of worldly activity, such as Astroworld. I hear of young people going to such places now. It was not like this when I was a kid. We lived, breathed, and ate Gospel Assembly teachings and were taught that this was the only church. I truly believed that because I could not grasp the things that I was taught that I was of the devil. I was constantly put in a chair to have demons cast out. I prayed sincerely that I would be delivered so I could live at peace with my family. I never felt I would measure up and to really make matters worse I had the situation that was invisible with my Dad who was loved and adored by all.

The Lord has given me a small part, but I will give it my all. My part is to stand here and send praises as our brothers and sisters reach down into the root of the problem; and all will stand amazed at His ability to be our LORD AND SAVIOR. He is the lover of my soul. I have no need to fear the night, the terrors it may bring, for while I’m walking with the Lord, I’m walking with the KING.

We serve God by serving one another, and I believe that is the truth that Gospel Assembly wants more than anything, as that desire grows, and they are aware that it is truly the Lord who is bringing our sins forward that we may obtain His mercy and forgiveness. I could not give it all up until I knew it was truly Him. His love brought me home, nothing else. It was all Him. So I have suffered in Christ. He called me. The one thing I could not completely let go of was the experiences that I could not explain, but I did experience them. They were as real as any of the suffering in my life.

BECAUSE OF HIM my soul has known such glory, BECAUSE OF HIM I have a chance to live. I am thinking about the relationship I have now with my father. I am alone a lot. Since I have a tendency to continuously strive for understanding, and I will use any medium to seek understanding, especially when I was so uncertain about the things of God, I would read my Bible. I saw the Bible as a book more readily available to show our society from the beginning, a book of history filled with romance, mystery. I read it to solve the mystery of life. Sound familiar to anyone?

I remember just a few years back I had become so engrossed that I read it cover to cover. I was on my third time around when I began to see humanity and myself. I saw it all as one. That is the best way for me to describe it. The English language is so limited when it comes to expressing insight, whether it be of the things of God, emotion, sometimes even the events of science. I believe there is a lot of stuff discovered in science that we have not even heard about because they have not yet found a way to tell it where people would not go into a panic (just a thought for the thinkers out there).

If you are sitting there thinking that I think too much, that's ok. I've been told that a lot anyway. What I saw is how the light of the New Testament reflected the darkness of the Old Testament. There was a lot more to this revelation. I called my dad, so excited about the way I was receiving this. The spirit of it was so healing. My dad told me of the teachings in the church that this is true; and I thought I had received something unique, a first-time experience. I am still feeling the blessing of that great discovery I am glad to be able to share this with you all.

I have truly come along way and I can see that the church has too. I still feel a little strange. I think that is because of my background. I am not sure as to what is due to my life at home -vs- the true teachings of the church. I know that my life has to show some flexibility because I am to become a witness to many people; each with their own vision. I think of Paul as he said: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. If I get so caught up in the laws of the church I feel that I gain a status, which is not my goal. I am not looking for status. The best I can do is to be myself. I don't believe that our walk with God is based on how we dress. What if I was called to minister to prostitutes or even more simply put, to women of abuse. The over emphasis of dress code would make the words dead in such an atmosphere. Then again I am not aware of our church doing such a ministry yet. I automatically go into a flexible state when I am in a crowd. Does that make me "lukewarm" or sensitive to people?

Written by: Debi Lynn Dacus, Henley, West, Dowling

I want to live my life as though its not my own;

I want to give my sacrifice to the right hand on the throne;

for if not for Him you know that man would be ALONE;

'm livin, by the spirit of God and its takin me home

I claim the victory for all. I pray for the ministers as they come forward to dance this victory with me. A table has been prepared. A celebration is waiting. God's people are delivered. Please come to the feast of forgiveness. You have preached His name in the Synagogues, now bring His name to its fullness that all may be saved. The church has suffered as I have suffered; they shall rejoice as my soul sings praise unto our Lord. I am so glad to be a part of this. I really thought it would not happen in my lifetime, which proves how little I know. Thank you, Lord, for loving me. I can't explain, yet, there is no mystery, for as He lives, I live. Now my heart can sing glory and honor and praises to our King.

CHAPTER SIX – THE SOLUTION?

How can a child get help? What is the view of a child's presence in the church?

The Lord let me know I could have been born anywhere, but I was born at Gospel Assembly in Houston. Just as I have found peace with my natural family, if I am to go on in Christ, I must find peace with this spiritual family. If the spirit of God is not leading us, we can easily become the very thing we hate. How many of God people will be hurt by this public destruction of what GA was supposed to be? I claim the healing for the Houston Assembly as the same healing that has occurred in me just since I started communicating on this message board. I feel frustrated at times with the ministers, and feel that not enough is being done concerning the matters that was so grossly neglected. But if I allow my anger to interfere with my goal, I will be right back where I was before my Savior lifted me from the horror, which I can feel all around me as my heart goes out to others. The tears overwhelm me as I respond to their hearts, crying out. The possibility I am offering is a safe place for healing. I am offering information that I’ve received through some of the experiences I was blessed with in my search for restitution. I have a few suggestions. The one crucial thing that was overlooked in my family was getting personally involved, intimate, compelled to passion, taking on the issue as if it were YOU, administering AGAPE love. I could not get anyone to hear me. I suffered much. There was absolutely no one for me to go to.

The whole ordeal with Tom Jolly is very disturbing. Rather than trying to figure out what we could have done then, know the mercy of God, acknowledge His wisdom. The idea is to bring the victims into victory. This is the here and now. The immoral acts of Tom Jolly have disrupted the foundation of the Gospel Assembly organization. NOW we have an opportunity to bring Jesus in. We need Him more than ever. This need of Him is to our benefit. Jesus is the way, the ONLY way.

Let's say you are the pastor of a church. You see people come into your church. The whole family receives the Holy Ghost, from the youngest to the oldest. This family obeys all the rules, follows the teachings; they gave their service for 16 years. What is the responsibility of a pastor to his member? The issue of incest arises in the family. What do you do to counsel with the family? I am curious. I know that my family was not the only one. How do you deal with the offender? How do you find out the facts? Do you speak to the children? Are we still trying to figure out how to deal with this? I wish someone would be bold enough to tell me exactly what they think of my family.

I don't want to find out that the love that has been shown to my family was sugar coated. How is my father viewed? Isn't he loved by any of the ministers? How many services does he need to attend before he is considered a member? Why doesn't anyone go to him? Are we strangers among you? Are we not the weak? Does no one see the hunger? Does no one see the desire; the struggle? Is everyone just waiting for us to fall again? This breaks my heart. Does anyone care?

I decided when I was quite young that I would never be able to find understanding in the church. The church was not a place to unload such sin. This sin was a true disgrace. There was no way of exposing it without damage to the whole, and my heart was broken by this deep love for my family, although at times I would act out in anger, and each time I would destroy myself with guilt. Please hear me... PLEASE!!!!

How can a child get help? What is the view of a child's presence in the church? I truly believe that because the families are left to themselves in order to deal with the dysfunctions of the family, the safest way is outside the church. My prayer is that this will change as the ministers see the needs of the family. I can also see more of an open attitude toward helping victims. I am very encouraged.

I have been given the opportunity to work with many women and children that have been victimized by their fathers or ministers, as well as strangers, and were left “with child” through the trauma. I hope that I can bring out how, through this man-driven religion, innocent people are being destroyed. I pray that as he deals with this side of the issue, he will be brought to an understanding of his own sin and take it to the cross as I did. And that he will know the awesome power of forgiveness and that he may be set free of the iniquity that oppresses him. I believe there are others who are interested in taking on this responsibility. I believe it was not by chance that I came across this web site. Believe me I feel the fear and I pray my heart stays true to the spirit of truth. I believe with my whole being that this is the day of deliverance. I pray that I do not falter. I fear my own anger that has been pinned up for so many years. My heart races as I read each testimony on this web site. I can feel my blood boil! Anger and sin not. If you only you knew my personality, think of the guy who lost an ear by the hand of Jesus' disciple. I don't want to offend my Lord.

To be very frank, I have had some problems with watching how all this is being handled. I guess the simplest gesture of taking responsibility for what has happened to me is awesome. To me, that is a step in the right direction. However the issue of the abuse has been openly discussed in services. I don’t think the ministers are comfortable in dealing with it. Actually, they seem lost. The way I see it is as though they are hearing it for the first time. I’m glad that some, such as these websites, have been called to keep this in the full light to bring out what everyone considers the past. However it has not yet become the past until it has been dealt with. I am not sure that I am coming across with what has happened to me. I received a complete deliverance. The Lord has brought me to a higher level of thinking and for the sake of time I will just say this "happening" is a part of what others have already started. In other words, these ministers have been given an opportunity to bring the church into a place to find restoration. I believe the reality of how prominent this situation is has been somewhat of a shock, and I believe the Lord is giving them some room in His mercy.

Above all, I know from what has happened to me that God is here. He hears us, and deliverance will come, whomever it may come through. We have to run this race in confidence. I just want to answer the call that the Lord has called me to do. I am so thankful that we don't have to do this alone. I am beginning to see this is bigger than I thought. I don't think these ministers have a full picture; they need more information. I get angry at times when they take down statistics. To me, if it happened to one, that is too many. I don't understand the mindset, the lack of compassion. But great things are happening in this whole situation, and no one will be able to stand in the way, once God has had enough. All I can say is I pray that they do the right thing for their own salvation.

Here are some of my thoughts. It seems that more of the victims need to speak out. I have a problem with them being asked to bring their story out to become a statistic, so I propose a hotline, a safe haven. I know this is the beginning. I see that the ones who have come out of the abuse are the ones who really have the tools to deal with the situation. The victims who have survived are the overcomers. There is so much victory; this is the power that will overcome the sickness. I see even ministers under the spell of dizziness that Satan employs to keep us from grasping the true evil that is upon us. It is so evil that there is no proper fear. The one advantage I have is that I am one who has come through it. As I told Brother Brown, I had no choice. I could not say, "Did this happen?" I was bound by the truth. I did not have to seek out the truth. Yes, this is a true evil. Instead of seeing it as destruction to all I believe we can praise God that it has all come out that we may release these people from bondage.

There are many problems under this. The perpetrator, as I am beginning to see, has lost sight of his identity. The ministers, I am afraid, are trying to receive healing by doing a good deed, save the victim. I am here to tell you God is our deliverer. They need to pray for their deliverance; they need to seek out their responsibility in this. I feel that Satan is trying to hide in the confusion right now. I feel the power of prayer. That is what I have to do. Each day I am seeing things more clearly. I am watching God move right before my eyes; I stand amazed. It is so good to see you Lord. I knew you would come. My soul has stepped up and has received all that the Lord has to offer. I am headed toward the victory, for all he gave me is something worth giving. I am going to give it. Someone needs an ear, and I am making myself available. My husband has even felt the blessings from what the Lord has done.

Ministers cannot change people. They can, as Christ, offer a choice. If people in the congregation choose to commit these sins, the best one can do is to offer a place for repentance. It is the responsibility of the family to do what they think is right to clean up the sin in their own lives. As parents, it is our responsibility to know the will of God for our children and ourselves. It is our responsibility to know the law, to choose this day whom we shall serve. And if we fall short of that responsibility, we must suffer the outcome. If man murders, by law his wife doesn't have to say anything. The church holds the position (although Lloyd Goodwin was very manipulative and controlling, or Brother Patton may have been passive, or I was rebellious and a rebel) that we all have come short and are in need of forgiveness and we all must come unto repentance. I can see this is taking place. Not all will forgive; therefore, not all will be forgiven, for there is no forgiveness to those who cannot forgive, putting us all under submission to the Father. He is no respecter of persons.

Whatever Brother Brown was in the past, that is not who he is today. I see the difference. For him to even show up on the web site is different from the man I knew as a child. I believe in miracles; I claim this one. I stand-alone. I am not even a churchgoer. I went to see. I prayed that I would find something to say publicly that was true. Brother Brown gave a beautiful message. The one thing that hurt me the most was I could not trust God. I was serving a false God. God is not my religion; Jesus is not my religion. There is no religion or truth until one comes to know the power of forgiveness. All religions are perverted, and do not know why there is no escape. I know this. I ask you to pray with me for the ministers who are taking a stand against this sin of betrayal. In other words, addressing this issue publicly in their assemblies. Brother Brown did this at the watch night service. He has opened the subject and is trying to offer a safe place for those who have committed these offenses to make it right. If that does not happen, there will be open rebuke; and if that doesn't happen, dis-fellowship.

I do believe the Lord gave me a testimony that will glorify His name. I owe Him everything, so I will take it one step at a time. I will support Brother Brown as long as his intentions are to bring healing to the wounded; the kind of healing that brings them to the full knowledge of their Lord. Miracles don't save people; we live in a world filled with miracles everyday, and still don't believe. When a miracle is realized it does humble one’s thinking, giving an opportunity to receive the fullness of God. Hey! I have something to think about. When reading the Bible, I see that God created male and female; then he says he did not have a man to till the ground and FORMED Adam; and from Adam came Eve. I have never heard anyone teach this; I truly see a message in this. May we become wise to the ways of God and simple to evil. I love Jesus! I praise the Father for His wisdom. His Life is my comfort.

I would not even bother with this if it were not for a broader vision. I am beginning to see things that I would have never considered. This is such a gross situation. I hate it! I want to do whatever I can to eliminate it, even the smallest healing is a place for life to start in this sort of evil. All this stuff infuriates me! Something is definitely not right in the Gospel Assembly organization side of the church, but I am also aware of another side of Gospel Assembly that I feel is a victim, just as I was a victim; and as a victim to this seducing spirit that has oppressed God's people in most if not every religious order, I seek deliverance. I believe there is a women’s ministry and it is rising, but we have to find peace with our brothers. I seek that peace. I am aware of my resistance, but I cannot let go of that resistance or I will be drawn in. God has no intention of me failing; therefore, I will not fail this task.

I spoke with The Center For Battered Woman, to find out what type of services can be offered to woman seeking for help. I have learned of several options. Also I have gathered enough information and purchased a book that will help us in leading groups into recovery. I am aware that I am dealing with ordinary "men of God.” All this will not happen overnight. But I am committed to the point of suggesting a women's ministry in Gospel Assembly. I can feel the resistance. I feel like I am sacrificing myself to be stoned but I am willing to die for this. As for me, I know..."the foolishness of God is wiser than man." God did not fill women with the Holy Ghost to come under the authority of man and as a woman, men may see me as foolish, but I am the foolishness of God.

This website could use a hotline. I really see that the website allows openness, which is a part of the healing process. Where else could I go to speak my heart? I know it is my blessing, but why does my soul want to grab each person I see, just reach out and touch them with this miracle of love?

My cry today is to let it be known to all the leaders in the church in the country, in our families, OUR POINTMEN, take on the humbleness provided in the Holy Ghost. Seek for the compassion in the spirit; take on the humility of this sin. Let it have a perfect work in you. Let the Holy Ghost be your eyes; see the completeness of what God is doing. He does not pour out His mercy because we deserve it. It is because we need it. We need to search out why we are receiving so much power, BECAUSE WE NEED IT TO OVERCOME the sins of the family. Thank you Lord for the change in me. I want to serve you. YOU ARE HOLY! YOU, LORD, ARE MY COMPLETENESS.

How can I say thanks for the things Christ has done for me?

Things so undeserved, yet He came and gave His life for me.

The voices of a million angels cannot express my gratitude.

All that I am and ever hope to be, I owe it all to Calvary.

“To God be the glory! To God be the glory! To God be the glory for all of the things that He has done.”

TO BE CONTINUED….THE LAST CHAPTER

PERSONAL STORIES