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My Life Has Been Touched (June-2000) You are
of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that
is in you, than he that is in the world.
1 John 4:4
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Through it all I have learned to trust in
Jesus and yes to trust in God. In my life I have had many pains, angers,
resentments and fears. I've had depression, anxiety and nightmares. For a long
time I thought this was all God's fault. I would say "God why did you let
this happen? If you're God and you're really up there then please why did this
happen? This went on for a long time. At the age of almost thirty-three I had
been through enough and I was at the end of my rope, nowhere to go and nobody
to help me.
I am going on thirty-five now and
rejoicingly will spend my birthday with my family and friends. I really am
privileged. I had sought answers and found none. I looked everywhere for
answers and found none. I had clung to the past with a vengeance and hatred
that I felt I deserved. After all it was me that had suffered. I had known God
as a child and in my growing up somewhere along the line had lost my contact
with him. The things that I had been taught about God from preachers led me to
believe that if I wasn't perfect and did all that they said to do, because they
were men of God then something terrible would happen to my family. I now know
that God expects obedience out of me toward him and not man and that what I was
taught was mere words of man, not God.
At the age of twenty-seven to the age of
thirty-three I went through a terrible depression, anxiety and nightmares resulting
from my childhood at home and my childhood at church. I couldn't go on that
way. Two weeks before my thirty-third birthday I had planned to commit suicide.
I was at the end of my rope and I had thought of suicide many times before but
I would always have my husband and children's faces come before me and I just
could not go through with it. This time when their faces came before me I
thought; I do love them and no I don't want to hurt them. I just can't live
like this any more. I was tired, broken down and empty and that day I knelt
down to ask God for some strange reason to forgive me for what I was going to
do. I didn't really want to die but there was no other way out. That was what I
thought anyway. I asked forgiveness of him. I also began to tell him if he
would have helped me I wouldn't be doing this and then a small still voice
spoke to me and said: "Wait one week." I said in anger: "I have
waited five years and still nothing has happened." Again that small still
voice said wait one week, open up your heart and let God really have a chance.
Pray everyday with an open heart." In anger I said: "All right, you
have your one week but in my mind I kept thinking this is so silly because I
have prayed for five years and all this time nothing has happened but I kept my
word with my week.
Three days came and went and nothing
happened and I thought why did I say I would give one week, nothing is changing
and I am still praying and nothing is happening. The fourth day came and that
morning was different. I woke up and wanted to get out of bed. I wanted to see
my wonderful husband and my children and my family. I wanted to see the trees,
the flowers, and the sun and to smell the honeysuckle again. What a strange
feeling it was, something that I hadn't felt in several years, I really felt
alive. On that morning I said: "Thank you God that I am alive." I
said it before I even realized what I had said and then I thought what am I
saying this can't be me saying this, not some one who hated life so bad, but
yes it was me. God had heard my prayers.
As I knelt to pray that day, I thanked God
for what he done for me. I had taken medications for depression and anxiety and
had went to counseling for this and it wasn't much help but hitting rock bottom
and opening my heart to Christ, his will, and his way was my help. It was a
process that I am thankful for, I know to some that will sound strange or even
off the wall but today I can say I appreciate life. I have found more help in
the last two years in Christ my Shepherd than I found in the many years that I
spent in church. Some may say this is a fluke, but I know better. With the
anxiety and depression gone, I had peace of mind but letting go of the past was
another thing to conquer and I knew that if Christ has set me free from
depression that he could also work this out of me and give me freedom.
What happened to me as a child, that, I
couldn't change. I still have the scars that remind me that it is there but I
no longer carry the pain, anger and nightmares. When I look upon the scars I
think: "Dear Lord, always lead and guide my life so that I will never
cause anyone to carry scars like this. Also may I be a help to others that have
been through what I have and for them to know that there is peace in Christ
that will come. A lot of people may say: "Well if you believe in God then
why did he let this happen?" Well, God didn't let it happen. He gives us a
choice in right and wrong and when we aren't following his voice then wrong is
committed, not by his choice but by the person committing the wrong. The one
thing that I do know is that my father the one who committed the wrong did ask
for forgiveness. At that time it seemed a small thing to me because the damage
was already done, so why bother to ask forgiveness? Today I know why he asked
forgiveness. It was because he was led of Christ to ask forgiveness, not one
because of being afraid that he was caught but he had also found forgiveness in
God, his life had been changed. I held my Mother in contempt because I wondered
how she could allow these things. I wondered how could she just go on with the
knowledge that my father was mean and not try to change anything? I now know
that my mother did the best that she could then with what she did know.
At this point in my life I can now look back and see the good with the
bad instead of seeing and feeling all the bad. I see a lot of things in my
mother that I had never allowed myself to see before such as love, kindness and
the things that she taught me. Things that today I love to do, like cooking,
cleaning, blowing bubbles with bubble gum and jumping rope. She encouraged me
to read when I had such a hard time reading. She taught me how to make
Christmas sugar cookies and the icing to put on them, to take care of plants
and flowers, little things but important things to me. I do see a lot of good
in the past and these things I learned from the one I held in contempt, yes my
wonderful mom. I love my mom and today I no longer hold the past against her
nor do I hold it against my father. My father taught me things too, good things
like how to change a tire or to make sure the oil in my vehicle was changed
every three thousand miles. He taught me how to fish, to put a worm on a hook
and how to hold a fish to get it off a hook so it doesn't fin me.
Yes, these things that have happened in my
life brought a lot of grief and pain but today I am free. I can look at my mom
and know that I do love her and if my father were here yes I would love him
too. This letting go of my childhood past started in January of this year. I no
longer feel the need to carry this with me any more and all this I owe to
Jesus. I am learning a new way of life in him. He has given me a new heart and
a new mind and a new way of thinking. I am learning about him, a one on one
connection with Jesus. I am asking him to lead me and guide me in all that I do
and say and to live my life the way he wants me to. As I see it, letting go of
the past was a new start of life for me. Christ gave to me a new mind and a new
heart that. This is a start of a new life, which I will ever be thankful for
and I appreciate what I have right now and the family, and friends that I have
right now and to love them for them. All this I owe to Jesus, as it is he that
is working this freedom in me.
Hitting rock bottom was where I had to go
before I could really see that I was holding on to something that I didn't
need. I lived everyday in fear and depression and anxiety. That is a terrible
life for anyone to live. I am not perfect nor will I ever be but I know to keep
my eyes on Christ and him only. I know that through all the hurts and pains
that I have found peace, love, happiness, and the joy of being with friends and
family. I am not saying that I don't still have hard times but I just know
where to go with my hard times.
You see, I see Christ in a different light,
not this mean ogre that destroys people and if I don't follow some man that God
isn't going to punish me. I know that God is everywhere and that he resides in
my soul where he belongs. This is how he leads and guides us, through a one on
one with him. If Christ truly resides in us then we won't use people for our
own means of getting ahead. If he leads us and guides us on how to treat
others, and to give them love and kindness, and to help the sick, and the
lonely and those that are down and out, this is love that comes from the one
and only one true shepherd, CHRIST.
I have found that the only way to be saved
is through Christ, not by my works, by man, or going to church. It is through
Christ and him only. When I looked upon him as one that loved me instead of a
terrible taskmaster, then I began to see things differently. I saw Christ as
one with mercy, kindness and love, and that he loved me for me. When things in
my life needed to change that he led me into those changes mercifully and with
care. Change doesn't come over night and if we seek it with an open heart and
mind then it will come. As for myself, if Christ had changed my life instantly
then I doubt that I would appreciate what I have today and what I went through
allowed me to see Christ in a different light and know that the freedom that I
am receiving is through him only.
Debbie Falter
Read PART
I: THE
EARLY YEARS and
how I came to the place that I now am.
“THE CHURCH
ITSELF” By: Ken Purcell