JOURNEY TO A DREAM

BY: DEBI DOWLING

CHAPTER FOUR – FORGIVENESS

“I was not able to forgive until I knew of my own need of forgiveness.”

I feel so blessed to be able to share this will all of you. The Lord really gave me something special about the issue of forgiveness here. I have worked with other victims, and in doing so I found there are many similarities in the affects abuse has on the victim who is moving on to recovery. One of those similarities is, especially when the perpetrator is someone you feel you must give allegiance to, you feel some kind of obligation to the perpetrator. For instance: the perpetrator in my situation was my biological father. Once I had to accept the fact that he would not be removed from the home, I began to deal with my obligations to him as my father. I am to obey him. I am to honor him, that my days will be long on the earth. There was nothing in me that wanted to be obedient to him or my mother, because in my mind, she was just as guilty as he was. I could find no honor in either of them. My independent thinking was well in bloom at a very tender age. Between the ages of 10 and 36 I have a life that was focused on the fact that I could not keep the 10 commandments for I could not honor and obey my parents.

We cannot prove God. He proves Himself through us. I really don't believe it is His will for us to live in solitude. There is something so beautiful about sharing your thoughts and experiences with others. I feel that God gave us everything we need; that He took away all regrets. Death becomes an opportunity for life from this perspective. There are no secrets IN CHRIST. The Holy Spirit moves through us bringing all our sins forward. All our hurts, all our confusion, this is a death to the carnal man. To give up everything that made you who you are. We hold onto experiences; they are our foundation. When God has called you, He is rebuilding you from the foundation up. Never be silent. Openly confess your heart. Always know: you are not alone. Now is our time to die, let it go. (I am really preachin' to myself here.)

I pray this for Gospel Assembly. I pray for deliverance and the strength for our leaders to take on the challenge that has been set before them, for I believe it is the will of our Lord that we live "Beyond the Darkness." Yet, I praise Him even more. I was not able to forgive until I knew of my own need of forgiveness. What an awesome experience! I understood how Jesus could say, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Thank you, Lord, that all of it led me to the cross that I may stand confident in the day of destruction. I just know that religion is dictatorial, and no matter what church we attend, we must all have the freedom to worship God from wherever our hearts are in Him. The church must become a safe place; the church must correct its wrongs. Maybe the ministers, who have been in this all along, need to come forward and ask forgiveness. What greater healing than this? I believe in miracles: I am one! Upon this rock I stand, in faith believing.

Dealing with issues such as incest, sexual abuse, drug abuse, family violence and alcoholism are difficult enough outside the church. There are no quick solutions, but that is not to say there are NO solutions. I chose to go to hospital psychiatry with a Christian perspective called the "Rapha" center. I went seeking a way to find forgiveness for my father as I approached the throne of God boldly, giving up everything I was ever taught, everything I thought I knew, emptying out completely. I was able to hear him. I began to see my sins. All the things I had done were in anger. I felt that my judgment was sure to be death, but I moved closer to the throne of my heavenly Father. By the time I reached him I was sobbing, my heart was broken. I gave up my self-righteousness. I stood before him, totally stripped of my self-pride, dignity, self honor and he took me in with total forgiveness. I stood as a virgin, untouched by sin. I was so elated. I was filled with such immense gratitude. My heart prayed, “Dear Father, I stand as a proxy for my father. God, I pray you will forgive him of this debt and so it is between my father and me. His debt to me has been paid, under the blood.

At the age of 36 I went into a hospital. I saw a video of a teacher, I don't remember his name, he was showing a group of people how to FEEL honor. He had in his hand a violin that was very tattered. The violin was broken into. It showed no value on the outside. He looked inside the violin and Stradivarius was the signature inside. He explained that this name is what gave value to this broken violin. The crowd went, "ahhhh!" as the speaker explained the monetary value placed on the signature. The name I heard was Jesus. I don't know how to explain the fullness of this experience. The honor is in Jesus for He is the life. If I can honor Jesus, the honor works through EVERY aspect of my life. My parents are vessels. I am just a vessel. I felt a quickening in the spirit that was the life of Christ. I was in the hospital because I was suicidal. Life was nothing to me. I died at the age of 10. This was MY REALITY. But what I felt was the life of Christ. No great big booming voices but a simple kiss from heaven that quickened a hungry soul. More than the experience or the teacher, it is the quickening of the Holy Ghost. Can God speak through a Donkey? If God can speak through a Donkey, do we worship the donkey? Today, what Jesus did on Calvary is VERY personal. The Old and the New Testament come together at the cross. The past and the future come together at the cross. This is what I live for, this is what I die for. To me this is all there is. I am just a sinner saved by grace and Jesus is my GRACE.

The message of honor that day opened my heart. It gave me hope. I felt Him and He touched me emotionally. It made me want to give up my own thinking, all the facts. This was very subtle. It was a quiet deep "awareness." I began praying every day after that. Before this I was in complete rebellion. I had convinced myself that I had been brainwashed and my whole life was a lie. I hated the fact that I was ever born. The whole reality of how children are brought into this world was an overwhelming concept to me. How can sex and love have anything to do with each other? What a lie! Love does not exist in mankind. My beautiful children, my concept of fathers, of men. Life in the carnal is of no meaning. There is no true love. I could not even be the person I wanted to be for my beautiful children because the truth is; there is no good in mankind. God should have destroyed us all. Why does He let us go on? As much as I loved Him as a child, innocent and pure, was not enough to satisfy Him. God is Love? Oh! That’s great. Well, I’d just as soon be dead. There is no God for me. I felt I had nothing to offer this world. I felt I was a burden on society and that I could be nothing more than a disgrace. I felt there was no way out. I was not aware of the TRUE GOD. JEHOVAH. I knew nothing. I was nothing. All I had were facts. He touched me. It was Jesus, Jesus, I missed Him so much. I am so angry Lord. What can I do? Please Lord; if you could help me forgive my father, then I will be free to love. I felt the ache and I still doubted. I did not doubt that I felt Him. I knew it was Him. I recognized Him. He was everything I could not be. He was truly NOT OF THIS WORLD. He did not overwhelm me. He comforted me as I cried the cry of death. Then He gave me a dream.

In this dream: I saw a house that had been burnt down. I recognized the house as one I had lived in with my parents. I (in this dream) was myself in that present state. She was "Toni,” a name and identity I had taken on as a dancer. This identity was a fighter. A warrior. She came into the house. She was frantically searching for Debbie. Debbie is a name that my father gave me. (It is deliberate that I spell my name Debi.) Her thoughts were: "Where the hell are you? D_mn It! You make me so sick! You are so full of self-pity you won't even let me save you. Look at all I have suffered for you. You ungrateful little sh_t." In the dream, I saw Debbie curled up in a ball. She was still 10 years old and scared. She was waiting for her true salvation. She never stopped believing. She was waiting on Jesus. She had to stay. There was no understanding, no direction; only a small bit of faith in something that suddenly was gone without any explanation. This dream was very frightening for me. I shared it with my counselor. I told him that I needed to destroy "Toni.” I felt the suicide was an effort to destroy "Toni.” I was afraid of who I had become. He said, "No, we have to find salvation for Toni.” We need to ask God to forgive her."

This dream became a focal point in my therapy. I began to understand that there was indeed a spiritual event that took place the night that my father attempted to rape me. The only reason I was not penetrated was because he couldn't. I screamed frantically that night. He hurt me. I truly believed he wanted to kill me. He was growling. He prayed over me. He fought with me. I escaped. It is his fault that I was left in this emotional and spiritual dilemma. God did not do this. The whole idea of how God wanted us to be as a family was twisted. My mother is guilty of physical abuse. The beatings are indeed evil. There was no truth to any of the things that were manifested in my home. In order for any of the members in my family to receive the promise of freedom in Christ they must come to a place where the sin is no longer covered up. It must be exposed. It is that exposure that separates us from the identity of this world. Yes, all have sinned and have come short. We do not have to stay in this bondage. It is a trust. What are we willing to do to receive the love of God that surpasses all understanding? This is what was ringing in my ears. I spoke to my counselors openly. The revelations I received each day made me feel as though I was crazy. I was excited about showing up in each session. I did not know how this was going to work out, but somehow I just knew we were onto something.

I will feel the wounds of sin for as long as deliverance is needed, but I hold to the faith that Jesus died for all, and in Him we find rest. As long as there are those who are seeking strength to come to the cross I will feel their tears. I will pray for their deliverance. I know of the deliverance for my father, because I could not forgive him until I saw my own sin. I was not justified by my purity. I was not justified by my innocence. I was justified by having faith that sins are forgiven. Then I received the truth and partook of the mystery of our Lord. I can't explain, yet there is no mystery. All I can say is I know of the promise to my father.

Using him as an example to any that are held in fear that we do not have the power to overcome this demon in our lives, the power is at the cross. The Lord will reveal to you who you must repent to. The Lord will reveal his mystery to you. You do not have to live under the law of sin. You know in your heart what God has called you to do. Salvation is waiting for you on the other side of the cross. There is power in the resurrection. Claim the victory for all, as Christ did answer the call that is upon you. Dear Lord, stay with me.

“He spoke the words that calmed the water

He walked upon that troubled sea

He called my name when I was scared and so ashamed

Jesus that man of Galilee."

The only thing that I want for my dad is complete deliverance. Even now, I feel like he is angry with me. This is my sacrifice, for me to go to church knowing what I know, and witnessing. After all these years, the feeling of being powerless against this evil has caused me to reach to heaven. My soul has connected to the life that is available to us all. Sin has truly been our schoolmaster. There is nothing I can do about the past; all I know is God is in this. He will never leave us or forsake us. This is not just positive thinking.

I think of the years I spent trying to get my father to confess his crime. That never happened. I would hear the stories from my mother as she used the ministry to defend herself for not protecting me as a child. I was set free by the grace of God. If the church did not take responsibility and my parents did not take responsibility, then how could I take responsibility? After all I am the victim. Then I received an empowering message: VICTIM. I began to see. A victim is one who is limited by his environment. I understood from that point that I needed to change my environment. Well, this is how I see God's people: as victims to an oppression of demonic ways and working in the spirit of religion. God is offering us a new environment. For your eyes to be open to the truth is a miracle and when I think of that for myself I praise God. We no longer need any approval from man. I praise God for our deliverance.

I truly do not need a confession from my father.  A confession could restore our relationship as father and daughter, but I no longer need that from him. It would be nice, but the way I see it is there are so many people in this world that do not have their fathers. It is just a loss I had to come to terms with. I forgive him as Christ has forgiven me; which means the opportunity for his confession and repentance is always available. The forgiveness is already there and I have shared this with my dad very openly. I only want him to learn of my story and receive enough understanding of the fullness of the hurt in the family that when he is sitting in front of the family members who wish to confront the issue, he will have a deeper perspective so he can be of some value. Also he may be able to help others.

Jesus feels our infirmities. How is it so? He was made perfect by the things he suffered. So shall it be with any of us to suffer the infirmities of others. We have been called to overcome sin, not suppress it or disguise it, to become the naked truth. For, as the sin in the garden before they partook of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they were the naked truth. They needed no disguise; nothing on the outside to prove who they were they were perfect. BUT GOD HAD A PLAN!!!!!

The foolishness of God is wiser than man. If we know that we are foolish, give it to God. It will make of your foolishness a testimony of faith. Lord, humble me and break me. Without you I have no life. I am dead already.

Well I thank God for the mountains

and I thank Him for the valleys;

I thank Him for the storms

He's brought me through;

for if I never had a problem,

I wouldn't know that

God could solve them,

I'D NEVER KNOW WHAT

FAITH IN GOD COULD DO.

Through it all, through it all,

I've learned to trust in Jesus,

I've learned to trust in God.

Through it all, through it all,

I've learned to depend upon his word,

AIN’T HE EVERYTHING THEY TOLD US AND MORE?

I kinda like the way it has all turned out for me. Christ is truly all I need. Through my relationship with Him I feel I can truly conquer all things. I know we are only at the beginning of this. No matter what, no one can take from me what I know. NO MORE FEAR, NO MORE PAIN, NO MORE LONELINESS. I AM FREE. Now I can share that freedom with all those that I come in contact with.

These words copied from the front page of the CD pamphlet In an endeavor to reach the basic needs of the family and to provide Biblical answers to marital ills. T.D. Jakes has comprised these medicinal lyrics and the healing balm of music. These songs address the need to make Christ the center of our personal relationships. Marriage is a ministry, and children a precious gift. Amen.

The Lady, Her Lover and Lord

She found herself, she found her lover for life,

and then the two of them joined together in the Lord.

Now she’s completed, a three-fold woman, one accord.

The Lady, Her Lover and Lord

(Verse 1)

On bended knees she brought her broken heart.

His answer was a husband, a new start.

He glued the pieces of her broken dreams,

and now the man loves back her self-esteem

Who'd have known she'd survive all her past and move on?

(Verse 2)

He pulled her life together, kissed her, made her better;

the missing part in her is now complete.

What God has joined together is bound to that forever,

a three-fold chord means perfect harmony.

Shirley Murdoch from the T.D. Jakes CD, “Sacred Love Songs.”

CHAPTER FIVE – THE BODY OF CHRIST

PERSONAL STORIES