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JOURNEY TO A
DREAM BY: DEBI DOWLING CHAPTER THREE –
CROSSROADS
“We are going to have to feel
the sorrow to rejoice in the victory.” “I did not commit this crime. I
am not guilty.”
I got to the place where I was ready to face it all at
the age of 30. I made a great recovery; everything had been rocking along;
then I came across the website by accident, which woke it all up. I came on
the site to just share my story. I have been given a better perspective of where I am on
my journey. I have been here before many times at a crossroad. I expect to be
at some other crossroads as I go forward. I am not feeling real solid just
yet, so I welcome any thoughts. I have dealt with my family: mom, dad,
brother and sisters. I have learned to set my limits. I have faced my father.
I have taken so much ridicule: I’ve been called a “trouble maker,” and told
to “just let it lie, let the dead bury the dead; you just need to get some
shock treatments.” I left them for 8 years and moved to Austin (that is a
story in itself). All that time I was experiencing things such as: driving
down the road and not knowing who I was, or where I was. I did not have a
clue that I was experiencing anything associated with my childhood abuse. So
many other experiences were leaving me feeling as though I was not in
control. I was afraid to seek help. First of all I didn't know where to go. I
was afraid for myself. It got worse as time went on; one thing led to
another. I thought if I could just get away from them, the church, everything
that had anything to do with my confusion.
I just gave a name to this crossroad. I am crossing over from
courage to bravery. Thank you; Lord, for this opportunity to make this change.
It is the fear of the unknown. I have gained courage through the previous
changes in my life and now I have an opportunity to know bravery. If it is
not for a greater purpose than for myself, then I can't see a need to tell of
it. What is that still small voice inside that I hear telling me that if thou
shall confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe with thy heart
that thou has raised him from the dead, thou shall be saved? I believe that I
was dead and with the little faith that I had I believed through it all that
if I were to live again, the only one that could make it possible was the
Lord. I did not even realize that was faith. To me that is just a fact. Just
like I don't understand the concept of gravity, but it is what keeps me on
the ground. Even if I don't believe it, it’s true. Even though I believed, I
did not have faith because I could not trust those who delivered the message.
Now, I am beginning to see that I am to put my faith in the message, not the
messenger. Sounds simple. Well, I am overwhelmed by the simplicity of
it. I am just now aware of the anger I really had against the
church. I am amazed at the steps they are taking to bring it all to light. In
the midst of all the good that is happening, the other stuff is still there.
I do not support Gospel Assembly but I do support the changes I see. I just
don't want to get so caught up in the hope of recovery of my spiritual family
that I lose sight of my own victory. All of a sudden my focus is on the
victory rather than the journey I am on. Am I making sense? I am 43 years
old; I am married going on 7 years. I long to feel close to this man who has
taken on 4 children, my 3 grandchildren, and me. I long for a place where I
can serve God. I have sought many religious groups. I have very deep problems with intimacy. It has never been
about me. Somehow, my internal problems stem from my childhood. This is my
first time to deal with the church side of it. All I have is the awesome
grace of God, and I just need a place to share that. That is the best I have
to offer. It is ALL I have to offer. I have felt so much joy as I give God
the praise over this website. I am so amazed to know that all that stuff is
living inside of me; all of a sudden I feel like more than just a survivor. I
feel like a Vietnam War veteran. I survived (with missing body parts, but I
am here). I learned to appreciate my life, my being a mother. My hands became
very useful, but as far as trusting anyone for me as one adult to another, I
have been incapable. I trust in the Lord. This is not about religion to me.
Every time I "get away with sharing my thoughts" I feel myself
growing another feather on my wings. I am not breakable, but I am extremely
sensitive. I am told that the reason I cannot be received is because my
body language brings all the attention on myself. My God......My God. If they
could see me as Jesus saw Mary Magdalene, what a joy to all, to be able to
love as Christ loved the church. One of the curses of the old regime such as;
to deny who you are as a human being was to bring us in contact with who we
are spiritually. I pray the ministers take a closer look at how this is
thinking of the carnal mind, which offers no spiritual growth. I felt the
curse of being born female, rather than the blessing. I still struggle with
that, but in different ways. Hopefully, I am finally confronting the real
issues and can come to a complete healing and share my victory with others.
It is the spirit that heals the body. The body cannot heal the spirit. I
could go on and on about the effects this kind of thinking had on the girls,
who are now women, battling with their own sexuality. Some men don't seem to
realize they were taking in the lust by viewing their sisters in such a
carnal way. It is scary to think of the suffering their daughters
experienced. No wonder the church was not protected from the sexual abuse, we
were breeding it. I pray for complete deliverance; today is a day for
deliverance. I can also remember a time as a young girl beating
myself in the chest. I did not want to develop into a woman. I remember in my
20's I decided I would become so thin that I would be flat chested. Yes, I am
glad that I made it. I surely could not have done it without faith in God. He
is the only one who could know of the suffering. No one else could or should
have to take on such pain. I love my Lord. He has given me more than I could
have even imagined. I am looking forward to the day that we can see one
another through His eyes. I will be known purely by my love for the Lord. I
am looking for the day I live beyond the phenomenal creature that I am. All
this is for His purpose. He could have delivered me at any time He chose. Now
sin has been my schoolmaster. Thank you Lord. I appreciate
this poem. When I read it I can feel my self-acceptance as a woman in this
carnal body. Phenomenal Woman Pretty women wonder where my secret lies, I'm not cute or built to fit a fashion models size; but when I start to tell them, they think I’m telling lies. I say it's in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips. I’m a woman. Phenomenally phenomenal woman, that’s me. I walk into a room, just a cool as you please, and to a man the fellows stand or fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, a hive of honeybees. I say it’s in the fire in my eyes and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet. I’m a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me. Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so hard, but they can't touch my inner mystery. When I try to show them, they say they still can't see. I say it’s in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile, the grace of my style. I’m a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me. Now you understand just why my head's not bowed, I don't shout or jump about or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing, it ought to make you proud. I say it's in the click of my heels, the bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, the need for my care, 'cause I'm a woman, phenomenally phenomenal woman, that's me.”
If I have gained anything through it all, I have gained more
trust in my relationship with God. I no longer feel the need for an intimate
relationship with man; yet, through the intimate relationship with God, I am
intimately related to man, whether they are of God or not. I am sheltered in
the arms of God. My husband tells me I am obsessed with Christianity. All I
can say is: something has happened to Debi. My biggest challenge is to
believe it, question it, because if the Bible is the word of God and all the
stuff we were taught as babes, whether we were under the hands of incest or
we experienced serious situations that left us without all the tools that
make us presentable in the eyes of man, we are perfect through our faith in
believing. I want to believe more than anything. I NEED to believe; I know
that is my only hope. I thought that was what we all wanted. I felt alone in
my sorrow. I isolated myself so no one would have to feel my sorrow. I feel
like I finally got the message. I am learning that I was never alone. I am
not the only one battling with my disbelief. My journey has now made me a
part of it all. I am overwhelmed to have come this far to learn this. We
isolate ourselves by not believing. As we believe in His power and claim Him
as the Lord over all things, we become united. Sin separates us from each
other and from ourselves. God’s love brings us under the law of grace. I am observing. I also believe I must show another side of the
story to offer a clear mind: it is the face of Jesus I seek. Jesus is more
intimate to us than religion. He IS our religion, not by his image but by his
Spirit. It seems so hard for men to receive this insight. We must destroy the
image that religion has worshiped, and worship through the spirit.
Male/female are one; therefore, the carnal idea of male/female is destroyed,
bringing us to a safe haven no one dominates, one authority– Jesus Christ. I
believe the church will find intimacy through people speaking openly of their
pain and hurts, as well as their victory. Men need to stop trying to control
the spirit of God. Bring the men down in the spirit of Love that they may be
delivered. This is my vision. It will not all happen overnight; we need to be
able to communicate with our brothers without intimidation. As far as I am
concerned, the only real intimidation is in our minds. In reality, there is
no intimidation or separation. That is deliverance. “I'll have no
fear for my Jesus walks beside me, for I'm
sheltered in the arms of God. So let the
storm clouds rise, they don't worry me, for I’m
sheltered safe within the arms of God. He walks with
me and naught of earth shall harm me, for I’m
sheltered in the arms of God.” Our family has sung this song together many times. We have held
our father, each other, knowing of the graciousness of God, comparing our
lives against the teachings, believing in the message. That is why we are
here, because we believe. We have found so much love in Christ. I watch my
family as they compare their joy to what everyone else is going through. I
weep for them as I weep for all. This burden is so heavy. I feel it so strong. I become angry
with Satan; he is my true enemy. I know him. I have seen him face to face. He
came in my youth. I was untouched; I was pure; I was a virgin. I believed; I
prayed diligently; my faith soared in my innocence. He could not destroy what
God had created unto Himself. In my ignorance I was brought to live in
Christ. In my search for what it true, I see it all too clear. I have nowhere
to go but to the Father. I trust Him in all things, for I cannot prove Him.
He has proven Himself, and I am forever in debt to Him. This is true
deliverance. No longer do I walk in darkness. I know of the resurrection. In
my weakness, He has made me strong. As I sit here shaking and trembling,
aware of what is upon us, I know we do not have it in our will to overcome
sin. We have to give it all up, our will, our knowledge, our own
righteousness, our gods or images of our gods. Some will hear and say that I
am a backslider, that I have lost my vision. Dear God, please do not let me
partake of that lie, for you have delivered me and your presence is upon the
church. Yes, we should feel the fear, face it and know our blessed Father.
Jesus died that we might live. The Gospel
Assembly, as an organization, has got to go. There is a wheel in the middle
of the wheel. We have taught that he is coming back. Either we believe it or
we don't. We must pray for all, including my father. He is so blessed to have
a family that loves him so dearly. God hates sin but He loves the sinner. I
can feel in my heart that my father will be delivered as the victims claim
their healing. The weak must be raised up in glory unto the father, not for
their honor, for that would be for nothing. If all of a sudden my story were
believed and everyone felt bad about it, nothing everlasting could come to
me. What would be the gain? I can see the church being restored. Jesus is
passing our way. He is my first true love. My greatest loss would be to be
without Him. Now that He has made Himself known to me, has brought me through
it all, I trust in Him completely. We are all powerless outside of His will;
we will gain nothing outside of His will.
It frightens me
when I feel this spirit hovering around that wants to give us a spiritual
drug to make it easier. It is not going to happen like that this time. We are
going to have to feel the sorrow to rejoice in the victory. I do not want to
offend the innocent, but if there was news in the neighborhood that a
murderer was going around killing the innocent, would we protect only
ourselves or would we also make sure our neighbors knew? I did not commit
this crime. I am not guilty. The judgement I had to face was holding on
to it, not giving it to God, and allowing sin to condemn me to be nothing
more than a vessel to be used by evil. God had enough! He loved me through
it. He loved me when no one else could. Some could not because the very
thought of this sickened them to the point that they turned their head so
they could remain unspotted from the world. We have been given an awesome
opportunity to make things right. I fear the judgment will be harsh if we
turn our heads this time. If we go to find
the knowledge of the good and evil (as I did for years and learned much) it
is a diversion of the TRUTH that will set us free. I praise God for the mercy
He has truly shown me. When I went to God (come boldly before the throne of
God), I prayed, (for I knew much), Lord help me to forgive the trespasser who
has trespassed against me. (I had developed a murderous heart. Due to the
guilt of having such a heart, I had become suicidal rather than homicidal.)
My Lord knew of this, not I. This was the truth that would offer me the
freedom my soul cried out for. PLEASE HEAR ME! As I approached
the throne of God, I was sore afraid. As my knowledge ran through my mind, I
began to give it up, everything I ever was taught, for none of this knowledge
could set me free. I was shown my heart. I felt condemnation, not guilt. I
felt the power of the WORD of God. I felt His anointing. I felt the
sheltering of His arms and I was able to fall at His feet, at the cross. At
that very moment I could have easily been taken. He took away the fear. Now I
am learning to trust Him, even through my doubts, fears and insecurities.
THAT’S MY JESUS! I LOVE HIM. (I AM SO SORRY FOR EVER DOUBTING YOU.) HE IS
EVERYTHING. So lies the issue of transgression at the foot of the cross. The
Lord has brought incorruption from corruption. HE IS ABLE TO DELIVER YOU, SET
YOU FREE, MAKE YOU WHOLE HE AND HE ALONE, that your life will shine forth HIS
truth. For I, one who was wretched and poor, now can sing PRAISE GOD, PRAISE
GOD, I'M A CHILD OF THE KING. It's all because of what Jesus did on the
cross. This is His church, His people. There is none above Him. Now I sing a new
song, one of grace to endure all things, mercy to the point of grace;
everlasting love, everlasting joy, deliverance unto perfection; everlasting
life. This is what I live for; this is what I die for; this is the baptism of
the Holy Ghost, the very essence of our Father. God, who resurrected His only
begotten Son, glorified Him and made the impossible POSITIVELY POSSIBLE. Nothing
can come between us. OH GOD THOU ART THE LOVER OF MY SOUL, because of Jesus
and for no other reason. I have not suffered in vain, for He loved me when
there was NO ONE, NO ONE. LORD LOVE THROUGH ME that all may know you. This is
why I live outside of that. It is all death, death. Persecution will fulfill
the scriptures, not death, for IN CHRIST there is only life. At one time I
thought I would die with grief due to the things I suffered. Then He turned
me completely around. As I turned to the cross, I was given a new birth. My
mind was renewed. I took on a new thinking. I realized if my father had taken
responsibility for his actions, my mother, the church, I would still be left
with a broken heart. I would have no one to blame but God for creating me. I
realized the powerful destruction of the ways of man. I realized I could not
give to my own children what God had given me. So I willing submit my life to
the Father. He saved me, and He alone. We are miracles of His promise. I
realized He gave me what my mind could not conceive. He knew my heart better
than I. He truly gave me the desires of my heart through His son Jesus
Christ, who did not die for nothing. Nothing can separate us – NOTHING– as we
walk through this fire together and know that you are not alone. Believe in
the Holy Ghost experience. The very Spirit of God, the kingdom of God is in
YOU; not because I say so or Lloyd Goodwin or the Baptist preacher down the
street. It is true because Jesus said so, anointed of his Father, that where
he is there we may be also...saved by grace. Through it all, no one can take
the truth from us. Man cannot offer the gift that God has for us, no man. We
will not give up and we walk in faith. God will set His people FREE. It has
always been the plan.
CHAPTER FOUR
– FORGIVENESS
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